Get The Hell Out Of Dodge (And Maybe Don't Come Back)

We move into chapter 21 with Ana waking up to a bright light.

Nope, she's not dead.

She's waking up to sunny Seattle.

Because if there's one thing Seattle, Washington is known for it's the sun.

And Ana comes up with the best metaphor for this whole damned relationship - that she and Christian are like two people in the middle of a see-saw, wondering why it doesn't work. Of course she's not sure if they're on opposite ends of give and take.... don't worry, they're not.

Ana wanders off to find Christian but instead finds another evil blonde woman....



It's Christian's housekeeper and Ana is embarrassed because the only thing she's in is a t-shirt.  Probably nothing to be too embarrassed about, Christian's housekeeper is probably the one responsible for sanitizing the red room of pain and is probably used to Christian's shenanigans.  She too, probably had to sign a confidentiality agreement when she was hired.

She offers to make Ana breakfast, but Ana is too worried about when and if Christian fucked this woman.

I scuttle of toward the study, mortified. Why does Christian only have attractive blondes working for him? And a nasty thought comes involuntarily into my mind - Are they all ex-subs? I refuse to entertain that hideous idea.

I'm not too surprised here, she entertains this idea with any other woman she ever meets ever.  Especially if they're blonde.

Ana finally finds Christian in the study where he's being completely all business like:

"Unless that company's P&L improves, I'm not interested, Ros. We're not carrying dead weight... I don't need any more lame excuses... Have Marco call me, it's shit or bust time..

Impressive.  That mother fucker can speak an ampersand (knit picking, I know, but seriously..)  And who says "it's shit or bust time?"  Never mind... I'll try to forget how British these American kids sound.

I'm also glad to see Christian "working" considering he makes like, $100,000 per hour, I was wondering what he did.  He speaks in ampersands... that's why.

Glancing up, he notices me at the door. A slow, sexy smile spreads across is beautiful face, and I'm rendered speechless as my insides melt. He is without a doubt the most beautiful man on the planet, too beautiful for the little people below, too beautiful for me.

We get it.  He's purdy.

After some chit chat which is basically about when she's leaving for Georgia, this gets her hot I guess.  And she kisses him - full tongue kiss.... before brushing her teeth.

-sigh- Desperation love conquers all.

"You want it, you got it, baby," he mutters, producing a foil packet from his pants pocket while he unzips his pants. Oh Mr. Boy Scout. He rolls the condom over his erection and gazes down at me. "I sure hope you're ready," he breathes, a salacious smile across his face.

Ugh... the amount of horrendous "foreplay" in this book.  He sounds like the cliche 18 year old who thinks he's the shit and wore those obnoxious misogynist shirts in college.  You know, like this:

Except now he's in a suit.

I also find it weird how he just happened to have a condom on him... and even more surprising that Ana's not wondering if it was meant for the maid since she thinks anything with a vagina wants to fuck "her precious."

But alas, in this book, here's they key that every woman who has a significant other, has missed.  Here's why women are loving this book:

Wrapping my legs around his waist, I hold him the only way I can as he stays standing, staring down at me, gray eyes glowing, passionate and possessive. He starts to move, really move. This is not making love, this is fucking - and I love it.

And I thought all this time when my husband and I were making love/having sexy times.  Nope.  Apparently we were "just fucking".  Next time we'll try to lay as still as possible. Thank God for this sexual intervention, I thought we were expressing our romantic feelings.  NOPE! Just fucking.  I can die satisfied now.

So they continue to fuck, there's a lot of these - - -, and him telling her to "come on", and finally she has a "surprising orgasm."  Why it's surprising, is beyond me.  She practically orgasms at the sound of her name.

"What the hell are you doing to me?" he breathes as he nuzzles my neck. "You completely beguile me, Ana. You weave some powerful magic." He releases my wrists, and I run my fingers through his hair, coming down from my high. I tighten my legs around him."I'm the one beguiled," I whisper.

Oh for fuck's sake... how is she beguiling?  How is he beguiling?  There is no connection between these two characters other than he thinks she makes a good sub because she's easy to manipulate.  End of story.

Know how I know he's manipulative? Watch this!

He asks her if she's going to go to Georgia, and when she says yes, he abruptly withdraws from her making her wince.  You show her Christian, how dare she want to go see her mother.

It's time for Ana to go get ready and she's mortified that the housekeeper has done her laundry.  Ana, people work, yo.  That's the housekeepers job.  And because we can't have much of a scene without some sort of angst in it, Ana notes that Christian is acting weirder than normal.

So of course while she's showering, we'e privy to this angst.

In the shower, I try to figure out what's up with Christian. He is the most complicated person I know, and I cannot understand his ever-changing moods. He seemed fine when I went into his study. We had sex... and then he wasn't. No, I don't get it. I look to my subconscious. She's whistling with her hands behind her back and looking anywhere but at me. She hasn't got a clue, and my inner goddess is still basking in  remnant of post-coital glow. No - we're all clueless.

Of course you're clueless.

I towel-dry my hair, comb it through with Christian's one and only hair implement, and put my hair up in a bun. Kate's plum dress hangs laundered and ironed in the closet along with my clean bra and panties. Mrs. Jones is a marvel.

Oh! So when Mrs.Jones is all slutty housekeeper, you want to kill her.  But she does your laundry and she's cool?   I'll add that to my list of asinine things Ana like in "friends."

She wanders back to the kitchen for breakfast where she tells Christian that she hasn't bought a plane ticket yet to Georgia, but she'll just buy one on the internet... because unemployed, fresh out of college kids have THAT sort of money to just willy nilly buy a plane ticket that short notice.

Christian offers her his jet.  She says no.

He wants to know where she's got her job interviews lines up. She won't tell him.

Remember... no one ever says no to Christian.  Ever.

He threatens to track her phone and then discuss how much they'll miss each other.

Wat?

How could he mean so much to me in such a short time? He's got right under my skin... literally.

Actually, the word you're looking for is figuratively... unless he gave you scabies or something.  

Scabies a better love story than this shit.

And the reason why he "means so much" is because of something called "forced intimacy."  And because the author wants it so... so there's that.

So now she's off to her job interview, we actually aren't privy to her first one (YAY!) but we are for her second...

The receptionist is a young African-American woman with large silver earrings and long straightened hair. She has a bohemian look about her, the sort of woman I could be friendly with. The thought is comforting. Every few moments, she glances up at me, away from computer and smiles reassuringly. I tentatively return her smile.

Oh Ana.  Your black guilt is totally showing.  Just wear a shirt that says "I'M NOT RACIST" why don't you. Maybe if you had this attitude towards any other woman you met, I wouldn't quirk my brow.  But since every other woman you meet you see as a threat, this is pretty fucking obvious.  

My flight is booked; my mother is in seventh heaven that I am visiting; I am packed, and Kate has agreed to drive me to the airport. Christian has ordered me to take my BlackBerry and the Mac. I roll my eyes at the memory of his overbearing bossiness, but I realize now that's just the way he is. He likes control over everything, including me.

OH!  Well that makes his behavior okay, it's "just the way it is."  Got it.  I used to teach in an after school program, and anytime we had a kid bully others or back talk or just be an obnoxious little shit that was the excuse the parent gave us.  "He's JUST that way, you HAVE to tolerate it."  No. No I don't.  Your kid can't come back because BITING is not okay.  This is the same jist here, making the excuse that bad behavior is okay because that's how a person is.  No, its how a person expects to be treated and not be held accountable. 

Ana has her interview, and I won't bore you with the details.

Ana goes home to find gorgeous Kate unpacking boxes, because Ana's been too busy fucking her boyfriend to help.  Ana also decides now's the time to chide Kate for bringing up her comment about Jose.

."Incidentally - will you please stop winding Christian up? Your comment about Jose at dinner yesterday was out of line. He's a jealous guy. It doesn't do any good, you know."

I wish Ana would say what she means: "Don't make Christian jealous, because if you do, he beats me."

So Kate... who senses that something is wrong, asks Ana if she's going to Georgia to escape Christian and tells Ana that she offers a no judgement zone if Ana needs to open up.

This could go well.  It doesn't.

"Oh, Kate." I hug her. "I think I've really fallen for him.""Ana, anyone can see that. And he's fallen for you. He's mad about you. Won't take his eyes off you."I laugh uncertainly."Do you think so?""Hasn't he told you?""Not in so many words.""Have you told him?""Not in so many words." I shrug apologetically."Ana! Someone has to make the first move, otherwise you'll never get anywhere." What... tell him how I feel?
"I'm just afraid I'll frighten him away.""And how do you know he's not feeling the same?"

OH MY GOD.  Yes, let's heal this mother fucker with love.  Because if you love him, and he loves you and you tell each other, then EVERYTHING will be better and alright.

You can have all my NOPES, because this is horse shit.

Ana tells Kate that she and Christian don't talk a whole lot, and Kate says that's cool... because as long as they're sexing it up, it's half the battle.

No. No it's not.  The battle here is the fact that Ana can barely think for herself, talk to her friends or family, and if she wants to she must first endure manipulation and abuse at the hands of her "boyfriend."  That's the battle.  All of it.

Ana has some more angst, e-mails Christian to ask if the housekeeper was a sub... she wasn't.  Christian asks if she'd work for his firm... she won't.  Then she leaves for the air port.

And she finds out she's been upgraded to 1st class.

Which pisses her the fuck off.