We're half way there folks... half way into the trash pile. If this were the Labyrinth, we'd be at about the Bog of Eternal Stench.
Chapter 15
Christian, through his
Did I get that right? I hope so. This love story is for winners!
So now he's just showed up at her apartment... with Champagne.
Can no one just have a soda? Even before I got pregnant I didn't drink THIS much. It's not attractive. Stop. (But there's more!)
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This doesn't exist in 50 Shades. Ever. |
So Ana heads to the kitchen to get glasses, why they don't just stick a straw in it and share is beyond me, but whatever. And while she's in there she's:
* Nervous
* Compares Christian to a Mountain Lion because he's unpredictable and predatory
I think the word that women are interchanging with unpredictable is spontaneous. Spontaneous is my husband waking me up exclaiming "Let's go to the zoo today!" and it being... you know... SPONTANEOUS because it wasn't planned.
Unpredictable is when you can never feel at ease because you never know where the person is coming from.
These two words are not the same, just for clarification.
Here is unpredictable:
When she comes back from the kitchen she sees him looking over the books she wants to return to him and she's worried this may become a fight.
Can I just ask why Christian is such a wonderful man? Seriously. Someone explain this to me, because I'm obviously missing it.
Wait, I bet this is why:
"You see, this is what I was talking about, you defying me. I want you to have them, and that's the end of the discussion. It's very simple. You don't have to think about this. As a submissive you would just be grateful for them. You just accept what I buy you because it pleases me for you to do so.""I wasn't a submissive when you bought them for me," I whisper."No... but you've agreed, Anastasia." His eyes turn wary.
I didn't know that once you've agreed to his terms it goes back from Day 1. So fuck you, Christian.
Also, this whole bull shit of "defying" and "you being in control" and "just be grateful".... you, sir, can go die in a fire. I mean that. With every fiber of my body, I mean it. If it were a real person, I probably wouldn't wish this... but I would wish that their pecker falls off or something.
So now Ana is starting to have second thoughts about this whole "don't think" thing. Second thoughts? Honey,
I would have been running... but whatever. He does make your vagina tingly. When Christian informs her that he's going to buy stuff because he can, she thinks that makes her a ho. So he responds with this:
I would have been running... but whatever. He does make your vagina tingly. When Christian informs her that he's going to buy stuff because he can, she thinks that makes her a ho. So he responds with this:
"It shouldn't. You're over-thinking it, Anastasia. Don't place some vague moral judgement on yourself based on what others might think. Don't waste your energy. It's only because you have no reservations about our arrangement, that's perfectly natural. You don't know what you're getting yourself into."
Eh, to a degree I can agree with him. If someone want to buy you something, let them. BUT it's Christian's reasoning a whole as to why he does... he owns the person, it's his way or no way, and he's weaving himself into every category of their life. But then again I have the balls (that's right, balls) to say "Thanks!" and then politely usher them away and not sleep with them. Like guys who believe that you should sleep with them because they bought you dinner. Mother fucker, please. My vagina cannot be bought.
So after mundane talk about the wine at graduation... because it ups the word count of the book, we finally get to the "goods"
What Ana is and isn't willing to do.
Fisting is the first thing Christian brings up. Don't know what fisting is? Oh... you poor soul.... Literally, it's when a FIST is INSERTED into your HOOHAA (or anus, if you're a dude and into that). I'm serious. Whole series of porn dedicated to it (Rule 34 of the internet is that there is porn for everything. Seriously. EVERYTHING.) Some people are into it, whatever rocks their socks. You need to know what you're doing because it can do bad shit to your intestines or something... not my cup of tea. Surprisingly, Christian agrees to the no fisting thing. Point for chivalry.
The next thing Ana checks off her list of things is Anal Sex. His response: "I'd like to claim to ass Anastasia; but we'll wait for that. Besides, it's not something we can dive into."
...."We can dive into..." "We can dive into..." "We can dive into..." "WE CAN DIVE INTO."
Oh my God. I laughed so hard.
Geez YA THINK?
Christian at least wants her to try anal... if this were a normal relationship, I'd so "meh, to each their own. Let them figure it out..." except he's not willing to try anything to Ana's benefit. So again. Fuck him.
Then Christian reveals Mrs. Robinson was a booty plunderer... which totally baffles Ana because Ms. Virgin ears and eyes has never heard of a strap on. This. Book.
So then we get to a spreader bar... she asks him not to laugh because she doesn't know what that is (bet you didn't either, I didn't, I had to google. Wish I had't.) and he responds with:
"I promise not to laugh. I've apologized twice." He glares at me. "Don't make me do it again," he warns. And I think I visibly shrink... oh, he's so bossy. "A spreader is a bar with cuffs for ankles and/or wrists. They're fun."
Look here, ass hole. You apologize when you exhibit bad behavior, which is like, constantly. Like laughing when someone who barely knows what a vibrator is asks what a spreader bar is. Jack ass.
Next Ana is worried about gagging. So he "takes note." How charming.
Ana gets brave next...
"Do you like tying your submissives up so they can't touch you?" He gazes at me, his eyes widening.
"That's one of the reasons," he says quietly.
"Is that why you've tied my hands?"
"Yes."
"You don't like talking about that," I murmur.
"No, I don't. Would you like another drink? It's making you brave, and I need to know how you feel about pain."
So, in other words, his plan really is to get her drunk so she'll consent to just about anything. By this point in the book we're at four refills. Of course, by this point in the book, Ana is basically a pro at drinking, because she's doing it all the time.
Ana was never spanked as a child, so she has no idea how she feels about it. It could be awesome, it could suck, she has no clue. She asks him if he could, you know, not do that whole pain part, but it's non-negotiable. And really, what did she think that room full of whips and canes was about? Christian promises that they'll work up to it, and you know, as creepy possessive weird as this guy is, I can believe he'd be an okay dominant in that capacity.(See I can give some credit where it's due) If he's at the point where he's requiring a contract about what is and isn't okay in bed, this is a guy who takes his shit seriously. It's all the emotional manipulation and the horror show of unresolved issues that should make her want to run, not the BDSM stuff. Then, he drops a bombshell:
It's a car.
So the relationship is still on his terms, because if she wants a "boyfriend" only "one night a week" bitch better be happy with her car.
I've been accused of not having much nice to say about this book; something about the adage, if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. Well, I for one, call bull shit. Because since getting pregnant, I've had all kinds of not nice things thrown at me about cloth diapering, making my own baby food, weight gain, weight loss, breast feeding, not revealing the gender the day, and countless other bull shit things because other people feel a need to interject. So fuck that rule. Gloves are off.
Here's the thing with this book, anytime something remotely good happens, for instance him buying her a car. Something that is great and charming and "woo worthy". But it totally gets ruined by things I can't reconcile my morals or values over. While they argue over whether or not she'll take the car -let me just interject here that she can totally throw herself into an arrangement that she's not completely okay with just to be with him, but she can't accept a fucking car- he says something that's arguably pretty hot. I mean that. If my husband ever said that to me, we wouldn't make it inside:
"It's taking all my self control not to fuck you on the hood of this car right now, just to show you that you are mine, and if I want to buy you a fucking car, I'll buy you a fucking car," he growls. "Now let's get you inside and naked."
Now aside from every other horrible thing in this book about this man, this is pretty hot. But then, like whip lash, it gets ruined.
Boy, he's angry. He grabs my hand and leads me back into the apartment and straight to my bedroom... no passing go. My subconscious is behind the sofa again, head hidden under her hands. He switches on the sidelight and halts, staring at me.
"Please don't be angry with me," I whisper.
His gaze is impassive; his gray eyes cold shards of smoky glass.
"I'm sorry about the car and the books," I trail off. He remains silent and brooding.
"You scare me when you're angry," I breathe, staring at him.
These two things are not like the other, and I can no longer say "that's hot." Nope. But then he compliments her and she's all hot again.
Sexy times ensue... it's not that great... at least not this whole "mind blowing, change your relationship" kind of sex I keep hearing about.
She does however manage to get a condom on him.... first try....
No.
I'm 26. Pretty open about my sexuality. I'll admit I'm a kinky person. And I can't even get a condom on a cucumber at those sex toy parties. So no. I don't believe you E.L. James. Not for one second.
So after mundane talk about the wine at graduation... because it ups the word count of the book, we finally get to the "goods"
What Ana is and isn't willing to do.
Fisting is the first thing Christian brings up. Don't know what fisting is? Oh... you poor soul.... Literally, it's when a FIST is INSERTED into your HOOHAA (or anus, if you're a dude and into that). I'm serious. Whole series of porn dedicated to it (Rule 34 of the internet is that there is porn for everything. Seriously. EVERYTHING.) Some people are into it, whatever rocks their socks. You need to know what you're doing because it can do bad shit to your intestines or something... not my cup of tea. Surprisingly, Christian agrees to the no fisting thing. Point for chivalry.
The next thing Ana checks off her list of things is Anal Sex. His response: "I'd like to claim to ass Anastasia; but we'll wait for that. Besides, it's not something we can dive into."
...."We can dive into..." "We can dive into..." "We can dive into..." "WE CAN DIVE INTO."
Oh my God. I laughed so hard.
Geez YA THINK?
Christian at least wants her to try anal... if this were a normal relationship, I'd so "meh, to each their own. Let them figure it out..." except he's not willing to try anything to Ana's benefit. So again. Fuck him.
Then Christian reveals Mrs. Robinson was a booty plunderer... which totally baffles Ana because Ms. Virgin ears and eyes has never heard of a strap on. This. Book.
So then we get to a spreader bar... she asks him not to laugh because she doesn't know what that is (bet you didn't either, I didn't, I had to google. Wish I had't.) and he responds with:
"I promise not to laugh. I've apologized twice." He glares at me. "Don't make me do it again," he warns. And I think I visibly shrink... oh, he's so bossy. "A spreader is a bar with cuffs for ankles and/or wrists. They're fun."
Look here, ass hole. You apologize when you exhibit bad behavior, which is like, constantly. Like laughing when someone who barely knows what a vibrator is asks what a spreader bar is. Jack ass.
Next Ana is worried about gagging. So he "takes note." How charming.
Ana gets brave next...
"Do you like tying your submissives up so they can't touch you?" He gazes at me, his eyes widening.
"That's one of the reasons," he says quietly.
"Is that why you've tied my hands?"
"Yes."
"You don't like talking about that," I murmur.
"No, I don't. Would you like another drink? It's making you brave, and I need to know how you feel about pain."
So, in other words, his plan really is to get her drunk so she'll consent to just about anything. By this point in the book we're at four refills. Of course, by this point in the book, Ana is basically a pro at drinking, because she's doing it all the time.
Ana was never spanked as a child, so she has no idea how she feels about it. It could be awesome, it could suck, she has no clue. She asks him if he could, you know, not do that whole pain part, but it's non-negotiable. And really, what did she think that room full of whips and canes was about? Christian promises that they'll work up to it, and you know, as creepy possessive weird as this guy is, I can believe he'd be an okay dominant in that capacity.(See I can give some credit where it's due) If he's at the point where he's requiring a contract about what is and isn't okay in bed, this is a guy who takes his shit seriously. It's all the emotional manipulation and the horror show of unresolved issues that should make her want to run, not the BDSM stuff. Then, he drops a bombshell:
"Well then. Look, earlier today you were talking about wanting more," he halts, uncertain all of a sudden.Oh my... where is this going?Well rapturous joy. I'm sure every female every where started planning their wedding at this point in the book... but let's not jump up and down like a child waiting for ice cream... like Ana's inner goddess. The dude said he'd try maybe one night a week. And not only that, but this deal comes with conditions... of course. She has to "graciously accept his graduation gift."
He clasps my hand."Outside of the time you're my sub, perhaps we could try. I don't know if it will work. I don't know about separating everything. It may not work. But I'm willing to try. Maybe one night a week. I don't know."Holy cow... my mouth drops open, my subconscious is in shock. Christian Grey is up for more! He's willing to try!
It's a car.
So the relationship is still on his terms, because if she wants a "boyfriend" only "one night a week" bitch better be happy with her car.
I've been accused of not having much nice to say about this book; something about the adage, if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. Well, I for one, call bull shit. Because since getting pregnant, I've had all kinds of not nice things thrown at me about cloth diapering, making my own baby food, weight gain, weight loss, breast feeding, not revealing the gender the day, and countless other bull shit things because other people feel a need to interject. So fuck that rule. Gloves are off.
Here's the thing with this book, anytime something remotely good happens, for instance him buying her a car. Something that is great and charming and "woo worthy". But it totally gets ruined by things I can't reconcile my morals or values over. While they argue over whether or not she'll take the car -let me just interject here that she can totally throw herself into an arrangement that she's not completely okay with just to be with him, but she can't accept a fucking car- he says something that's arguably pretty hot. I mean that. If my husband ever said that to me, we wouldn't make it inside:
"It's taking all my self control not to fuck you on the hood of this car right now, just to show you that you are mine, and if I want to buy you a fucking car, I'll buy you a fucking car," he growls. "Now let's get you inside and naked."
Now aside from every other horrible thing in this book about this man, this is pretty hot. But then, like whip lash, it gets ruined.
Boy, he's angry. He grabs my hand and leads me back into the apartment and straight to my bedroom... no passing go. My subconscious is behind the sofa again, head hidden under her hands. He switches on the sidelight and halts, staring at me.
"Please don't be angry with me," I whisper.
His gaze is impassive; his gray eyes cold shards of smoky glass.
"I'm sorry about the car and the books," I trail off. He remains silent and brooding.
"You scare me when you're angry," I breathe, staring at him.
These two things are not like the other, and I can no longer say "that's hot." Nope. But then he compliments her and she's all hot again.
Sexy times ensue... it's not that great... at least not this whole "mind blowing, change your relationship" kind of sex I keep hearing about.
She does however manage to get a condom on him.... first try....
No.
I'm 26. Pretty open about my sexuality. I'll admit I'm a kinky person. And I can't even get a condom on a cucumber at those sex toy parties. So no. I don't believe you E.L. James. Not for one second.