You know... I had someone on facebook approach me and say that this relationship wasn't abusive - it's two people falling in love, and who doesn't want that.
I'm going to get kinda serious here, no silly gifs or tom-fuckery going on here. I'm talking, legitimate seriousness in why this book is bad for women desiring this.
When I was in college I had to take a lot of courses in psychology, because I went to school to be able to work with kids (teenagers to be specific). There was a good chunk of a chapter dedicated on how to spot if you were in a relationship with an abusive person. I kept my psychology books, I dug the one out that these specifics. Here it is if you want to buy it:
There's some "Universal Red Flags" that this book goes down, I'd like to take a moment to break this down.
You feel uncomfortable about something he has said or done, and the feeling remains. I don't think we need to cite any one particular incident where Ana has been made uncomfortable by Christian Grey. This is prevalent throughout the book. Ana is not herself when she's around him, and the only time she ever has the inkling of a voice is when she e-mails him...
You wish he would go away, you want to cry, and you want to run away from him. Ana often thinks about how she can "escape" Christian, how she needs to find an exit, how she can't handle being around him because she can't trust herself to think clearly. In just the portion of the book we've reviewed so far, Ana has ended three of her encounters with Christian as a sobbing mess, a mess. We're talking laying in a parking garage kind of mess.
You have the urge to "love him into emotional wellness," if that were possible. Again, based on the chapters we've reviewed here so far, Ana does seem to believe that she can change him, or that he has psychological wounds that need to be healed. It's how we left off the last chapter that she was going to "change him". There is a big difference between wanting to see someone better them self and changing them to fit your standards - that shit does not work.
You feel bad about yourself when you are around him. One of the clearest indicators, to me, anyway, that there is a power imbalance in their relationship is the fact that Ana constantly compares herself - how she looks, how she acts, how she's dressed - to Christian and his very wealthy lifestyle, and she always finds herself lacking. She often wonders why he's interested in her; NOT to mention he hones in on this and uses it to his advantage.
You only feel good about yourself when you are with him. Conversely, Ana doesn't have a nice word to say about herself unless it is confirmed by Christian. When her roommate tells her that she's pretty, Ana interprets it as a patronizing compliment Kate can't possibly mean, but when Christian Grey calls Ana beautiful, she suddenly believes that she is. In fact, the only time she believes anything good about herself is when it's Christian pointing it out.
You feel that he wants too much from you. I think this one requires very little explanation. Not only does he want more than she wishes to give, he constantly pressures her to give him what he wants. Not just the contract, but just basic human decency is involved here.
You are emotionally tired from him; you feel he "sucks the life out of you." Now, Ana never says, "he sucks the life out of me." But again, even if we just look at the first half of this book, she's doing a lot of crying herself to sleep, needing to get away from him because he's too intense, etc.
Your value system and his are very different, and it's problematic. I have this phrase I trot out from time to time with my friends who are dating: If you have to "work on" the relationship within the first month, it's not going to work out. Sometimes, people are simply incompatible. Ana and Christian have spent most of their relationship with Ana trying to find ways around giving Christian what he wants, and Christian refusing to bend on his expectations. This is not going to clear up in a few more dates, and the fact that the relationship is based solely on Christians needs and wants, this clearly isn't great or ideal either.
Your past and his are very different, and the two of you have conflicts over it. Spoiler alert, Christian is obsessive and controlling about food because he went hungry as a child. I know we haven't gotten to that part of the book in the review yet, but it fits in here. And that's just one of the ways their pasts differ in problematic ways. While Ana sees his earlier relationship with a much older woman as statutory rape, Christian believes that it was appropriate and has a continuing friendship with the woman, which makes Ana uncomfortable. Ana doesn't even want the type of relationship Christian is after, they both are aware of this fact, and he continues to pursue her, and she continues to "love him into well being." There is a BIG difference between varying upbringing. For instance, my husband came from a broken home and I came from an intact home. He went to public school, I was homeschooled. He is the oldest of 5, I am the oldest of 2. But overall, things were normal and common place - it's the same reason that if you're a Christian and you marry a Muslim, you're probably gonna have a bad time, especially when you have kids.
You tell your friends you are "unsure about the relationship" Ana has already had this conversation with Kate in the part we've reviewed.
You feel isolated from other relationships with friends and family. Ana doesn't just feel isolated, she is isolated, by the nondisclosure agreement Christian asked her to sign. She finds herself living a double life in order to please Christian and still maintain her relationships with her loved ones.
You feel in the wrong because he is always right and goes to great lengths to show you he is right. This was most obviously displayed in chapter fourteen, where Christian responds to all of Ana's concerns and questions with long explanations that dance around actual answers.
You are uncomfortable because he continually says he knows what is best for you. He isn't pressuring her into signing a contract that allows him to act out his sexual fantasies on her for him. It's all about her, and her happiness. He just wants what's best for her, just like when he showed up at the bar when she asked him not to, and his concerns about her car. This can later go into, "well, I feel like this affair is best because it reminds me of what I have with you," or "I feel like not giving our kids medicine, because I think it's best even though I'm not a doctor."
You notice he needs you too frequently, too much, or too intensely. Christian goes so far as to say that he wants her too much, or that he can't control himself in her presence because of the intensity of his passion for her.
You notice he quickly discloses information about his past or present or his emotional pain. After they go out for coffee, their first encounter that is not tied to the interview, he warns her off from him with cryptic, tortured statements like, "I'm not the man for you."
You sense he is pushing too quickly for an emotional connection with you. Okay, this one, Ana wouldn't check off, but I would. From an outside observer standpoint, Christian is running a very good game of "pull her in, push her away," which is forcing an emotional connection with Ana. After having coffee with the guy once, she's on the floor of a parking garage sobbing. This isn't just Ana being emotionally immature, it's Ana being emotionally manipulated by Christian.
You find yourself accepting him "for now" even though you have plenty of red flags that would help you to terminate the relationship if you paid attention to them. Ana is already aware that what she wants from the relationship and what Christian wants are two vastly different, completely incompatible things, but she commits to the relationship despite knowing it has no hope of a future.
You wish he would go away, you want to cry, and you want to run away from him. Ana often thinks about how she can "escape" Christian, how she needs to find an exit, how she can't handle being around him because she can't trust herself to think clearly. In just the portion of the book we've reviewed so far, Ana has ended three of her encounters with Christian as a sobbing mess, a mess. We're talking laying in a parking garage kind of mess.
You have the urge to "love him into emotional wellness," if that were possible. Again, based on the chapters we've reviewed here so far, Ana does seem to believe that she can change him, or that he has psychological wounds that need to be healed. It's how we left off the last chapter that she was going to "change him". There is a big difference between wanting to see someone better them self and changing them to fit your standards - that shit does not work.
You feel bad about yourself when you are around him. One of the clearest indicators, to me, anyway, that there is a power imbalance in their relationship is the fact that Ana constantly compares herself - how she looks, how she acts, how she's dressed - to Christian and his very wealthy lifestyle, and she always finds herself lacking. She often wonders why he's interested in her; NOT to mention he hones in on this and uses it to his advantage.
You only feel good about yourself when you are with him. Conversely, Ana doesn't have a nice word to say about herself unless it is confirmed by Christian. When her roommate tells her that she's pretty, Ana interprets it as a patronizing compliment Kate can't possibly mean, but when Christian Grey calls Ana beautiful, she suddenly believes that she is. In fact, the only time she believes anything good about herself is when it's Christian pointing it out.
You feel that he wants too much from you. I think this one requires very little explanation. Not only does he want more than she wishes to give, he constantly pressures her to give him what he wants. Not just the contract, but just basic human decency is involved here.
You are emotionally tired from him; you feel he "sucks the life out of you." Now, Ana never says, "he sucks the life out of me." But again, even if we just look at the first half of this book, she's doing a lot of crying herself to sleep, needing to get away from him because he's too intense, etc.
Your value system and his are very different, and it's problematic. I have this phrase I trot out from time to time with my friends who are dating: If you have to "work on" the relationship within the first month, it's not going to work out. Sometimes, people are simply incompatible. Ana and Christian have spent most of their relationship with Ana trying to find ways around giving Christian what he wants, and Christian refusing to bend on his expectations. This is not going to clear up in a few more dates, and the fact that the relationship is based solely on Christians needs and wants, this clearly isn't great or ideal either.
Your past and his are very different, and the two of you have conflicts over it. Spoiler alert, Christian is obsessive and controlling about food because he went hungry as a child. I know we haven't gotten to that part of the book in the review yet, but it fits in here. And that's just one of the ways their pasts differ in problematic ways. While Ana sees his earlier relationship with a much older woman as statutory rape, Christian believes that it was appropriate and has a continuing friendship with the woman, which makes Ana uncomfortable. Ana doesn't even want the type of relationship Christian is after, they both are aware of this fact, and he continues to pursue her, and she continues to "love him into well being." There is a BIG difference between varying upbringing. For instance, my husband came from a broken home and I came from an intact home. He went to public school, I was homeschooled. He is the oldest of 5, I am the oldest of 2. But overall, things were normal and common place - it's the same reason that if you're a Christian and you marry a Muslim, you're probably gonna have a bad time, especially when you have kids.
You tell your friends you are "unsure about the relationship" Ana has already had this conversation with Kate in the part we've reviewed.
You feel isolated from other relationships with friends and family. Ana doesn't just feel isolated, she is isolated, by the nondisclosure agreement Christian asked her to sign. She finds herself living a double life in order to please Christian and still maintain her relationships with her loved ones.
You feel in the wrong because he is always right and goes to great lengths to show you he is right. This was most obviously displayed in chapter fourteen, where Christian responds to all of Ana's concerns and questions with long explanations that dance around actual answers.
You are uncomfortable because he continually says he knows what is best for you. He isn't pressuring her into signing a contract that allows him to act out his sexual fantasies on her for him. It's all about her, and her happiness. He just wants what's best for her, just like when he showed up at the bar when she asked him not to, and his concerns about her car. This can later go into, "well, I feel like this affair is best because it reminds me of what I have with you," or "I feel like not giving our kids medicine, because I think it's best even though I'm not a doctor."
You notice he needs you too frequently, too much, or too intensely. Christian goes so far as to say that he wants her too much, or that he can't control himself in her presence because of the intensity of his passion for her.
You notice he quickly discloses information about his past or present or his emotional pain. After they go out for coffee, their first encounter that is not tied to the interview, he warns her off from him with cryptic, tortured statements like, "I'm not the man for you."
You sense he is pushing too quickly for an emotional connection with you. Okay, this one, Ana wouldn't check off, but I would. From an outside observer standpoint, Christian is running a very good game of "pull her in, push her away," which is forcing an emotional connection with Ana. After having coffee with the guy once, she's on the floor of a parking garage sobbing. This isn't just Ana being emotionally immature, it's Ana being emotionally manipulated by Christian.
You find yourself accepting him "for now" even though you have plenty of red flags that would help you to terminate the relationship if you paid attention to them. Ana is already aware that what she wants from the relationship and what Christian wants are two vastly different, completely incompatible things, but she commits to the relationship despite knowing it has no hope of a future.
If most of this books readers were more along the lines of "meh, the book was lame, but the sex was hot.. I'm just in this because it makes my vagina tingly" I wouldn't be here reviewing this book. But when people get not only defensive about it but lament their significant others for not being more like Christian, I have to control every fiber in my being to not say something. It's why this blog has been so lethargic for me; so now anytime someone is all "WELL HAVE YOU READ IT MS. SMARTY PANTS?" I can reply, "Yes. I have. I still concur it's shit. Here's my blog about it."
It contributes to the mindset that women will placate these abusive men if it means some distorted view of "happily ever after."
It contributes to rape culture.
It's one ginormous leap backwards to women's rights, we haven't had the right to vote that long and I can see why people question our judgement when you're on the floor of your bathroom boo-hooing because your husband who's oblivious in the next room isn't this brooding, manipulative, ass hole in this book.
If it weren't for the fact that I downloaded this book from the internet, I would have flung it clear out of my house by now. And you can be damned sure that as soon as I'm done with these reviews I'm deleting it. I have no tolerance for this bull shit, none. I will gladly and with great effort tell you why this is bad; and the more I think about it, the more I am depressed by the message of this book, a message that so many women have embraced as a romantic ideal. While in the end, Ana does not stay with Christian (spoiler alert), there are two more books in the series. I do not have enough faith that those books will rectify the glorification of emotional-abuse-as-love in the first book enough to read them. The more I delve into this book, the more disturbing I find it, and its popularity.
It's one ginormous leap backwards to women's rights, we haven't had the right to vote that long and I can see why people question our judgement when you're on the floor of your bathroom boo-hooing because your husband who's oblivious in the next room isn't this brooding, manipulative, ass hole in this book.
If it weren't for the fact that I downloaded this book from the internet, I would have flung it clear out of my house by now. And you can be damned sure that as soon as I'm done with these reviews I'm deleting it. I have no tolerance for this bull shit, none. I will gladly and with great effort tell you why this is bad; and the more I think about it, the more I am depressed by the message of this book, a message that so many women have embraced as a romantic ideal. While in the end, Ana does not stay with Christian (spoiler alert), there are two more books in the series. I do not have enough faith that those books will rectify the glorification of emotional-abuse-as-love in the first book enough to read them. The more I delve into this book, the more disturbing I find it, and its popularity.
