Get The Hell Out Of Dodge (And Maybe Don't Come Back)

We move into chapter 21 with Ana waking up to a bright light.

Nope, she's not dead.

She's waking up to sunny Seattle.

Because if there's one thing Seattle, Washington is known for it's the sun.

And Ana comes up with the best metaphor for this whole damned relationship - that she and Christian are like two people in the middle of a see-saw, wondering why it doesn't work. Of course she's not sure if they're on opposite ends of give and take.... don't worry, they're not.

Ana wanders off to find Christian but instead finds another evil blonde woman....



It's Christian's housekeeper and Ana is embarrassed because the only thing she's in is a t-shirt.  Probably nothing to be too embarrassed about, Christian's housekeeper is probably the one responsible for sanitizing the red room of pain and is probably used to Christian's shenanigans.  She too, probably had to sign a confidentiality agreement when she was hired.

She offers to make Ana breakfast, but Ana is too worried about when and if Christian fucked this woman.

I scuttle of toward the study, mortified. Why does Christian only have attractive blondes working for him? And a nasty thought comes involuntarily into my mind - Are they all ex-subs? I refuse to entertain that hideous idea.

I'm not too surprised here, she entertains this idea with any other woman she ever meets ever.  Especially if they're blonde.

Ana finally finds Christian in the study where he's being completely all business like:

"Unless that company's P&L improves, I'm not interested, Ros. We're not carrying dead weight... I don't need any more lame excuses... Have Marco call me, it's shit or bust time..

Impressive.  That mother fucker can speak an ampersand (knit picking, I know, but seriously..)  And who says "it's shit or bust time?"  Never mind... I'll try to forget how British these American kids sound.

I'm also glad to see Christian "working" considering he makes like, $100,000 per hour, I was wondering what he did.  He speaks in ampersands... that's why.

Glancing up, he notices me at the door. A slow, sexy smile spreads across is beautiful face, and I'm rendered speechless as my insides melt. He is without a doubt the most beautiful man on the planet, too beautiful for the little people below, too beautiful for me.

We get it.  He's purdy.

After some chit chat which is basically about when she's leaving for Georgia, this gets her hot I guess.  And she kisses him - full tongue kiss.... before brushing her teeth.

-sigh- Desperation love conquers all.

"You want it, you got it, baby," he mutters, producing a foil packet from his pants pocket while he unzips his pants. Oh Mr. Boy Scout. He rolls the condom over his erection and gazes down at me. "I sure hope you're ready," he breathes, a salacious smile across his face.

Ugh... the amount of horrendous "foreplay" in this book.  He sounds like the cliche 18 year old who thinks he's the shit and wore those obnoxious misogynist shirts in college.  You know, like this:

Except now he's in a suit.

I also find it weird how he just happened to have a condom on him... and even more surprising that Ana's not wondering if it was meant for the maid since she thinks anything with a vagina wants to fuck "her precious."

But alas, in this book, here's they key that every woman who has a significant other, has missed.  Here's why women are loving this book:

Wrapping my legs around his waist, I hold him the only way I can as he stays standing, staring down at me, gray eyes glowing, passionate and possessive. He starts to move, really move. This is not making love, this is fucking - and I love it.

And I thought all this time when my husband and I were making love/having sexy times.  Nope.  Apparently we were "just fucking".  Next time we'll try to lay as still as possible. Thank God for this sexual intervention, I thought we were expressing our romantic feelings.  NOPE! Just fucking.  I can die satisfied now.

So they continue to fuck, there's a lot of these - - -, and him telling her to "come on", and finally she has a "surprising orgasm."  Why it's surprising, is beyond me.  She practically orgasms at the sound of her name.

"What the hell are you doing to me?" he breathes as he nuzzles my neck. "You completely beguile me, Ana. You weave some powerful magic." He releases my wrists, and I run my fingers through his hair, coming down from my high. I tighten my legs around him."I'm the one beguiled," I whisper.

Oh for fuck's sake... how is she beguiling?  How is he beguiling?  There is no connection between these two characters other than he thinks she makes a good sub because she's easy to manipulate.  End of story.

Know how I know he's manipulative? Watch this!

He asks her if she's going to go to Georgia, and when she says yes, he abruptly withdraws from her making her wince.  You show her Christian, how dare she want to go see her mother.

It's time for Ana to go get ready and she's mortified that the housekeeper has done her laundry.  Ana, people work, yo.  That's the housekeepers job.  And because we can't have much of a scene without some sort of angst in it, Ana notes that Christian is acting weirder than normal.

So of course while she's showering, we'e privy to this angst.

In the shower, I try to figure out what's up with Christian. He is the most complicated person I know, and I cannot understand his ever-changing moods. He seemed fine when I went into his study. We had sex... and then he wasn't. No, I don't get it. I look to my subconscious. She's whistling with her hands behind her back and looking anywhere but at me. She hasn't got a clue, and my inner goddess is still basking in  remnant of post-coital glow. No - we're all clueless.

Of course you're clueless.

I towel-dry my hair, comb it through with Christian's one and only hair implement, and put my hair up in a bun. Kate's plum dress hangs laundered and ironed in the closet along with my clean bra and panties. Mrs. Jones is a marvel.

Oh! So when Mrs.Jones is all slutty housekeeper, you want to kill her.  But she does your laundry and she's cool?   I'll add that to my list of asinine things Ana like in "friends."

She wanders back to the kitchen for breakfast where she tells Christian that she hasn't bought a plane ticket yet to Georgia, but she'll just buy one on the internet... because unemployed, fresh out of college kids have THAT sort of money to just willy nilly buy a plane ticket that short notice.

Christian offers her his jet.  She says no.

He wants to know where she's got her job interviews lines up. She won't tell him.

Remember... no one ever says no to Christian.  Ever.

He threatens to track her phone and then discuss how much they'll miss each other.

Wat?

How could he mean so much to me in such a short time? He's got right under my skin... literally.

Actually, the word you're looking for is figuratively... unless he gave you scabies or something.  

Scabies a better love story than this shit.

And the reason why he "means so much" is because of something called "forced intimacy."  And because the author wants it so... so there's that.

So now she's off to her job interview, we actually aren't privy to her first one (YAY!) but we are for her second...

The receptionist is a young African-American woman with large silver earrings and long straightened hair. She has a bohemian look about her, the sort of woman I could be friendly with. The thought is comforting. Every few moments, she glances up at me, away from computer and smiles reassuringly. I tentatively return her smile.

Oh Ana.  Your black guilt is totally showing.  Just wear a shirt that says "I'M NOT RACIST" why don't you. Maybe if you had this attitude towards any other woman you met, I wouldn't quirk my brow.  But since every other woman you meet you see as a threat, this is pretty fucking obvious.  

My flight is booked; my mother is in seventh heaven that I am visiting; I am packed, and Kate has agreed to drive me to the airport. Christian has ordered me to take my BlackBerry and the Mac. I roll my eyes at the memory of his overbearing bossiness, but I realize now that's just the way he is. He likes control over everything, including me.

OH!  Well that makes his behavior okay, it's "just the way it is."  Got it.  I used to teach in an after school program, and anytime we had a kid bully others or back talk or just be an obnoxious little shit that was the excuse the parent gave us.  "He's JUST that way, you HAVE to tolerate it."  No. No I don't.  Your kid can't come back because BITING is not okay.  This is the same jist here, making the excuse that bad behavior is okay because that's how a person is.  No, its how a person expects to be treated and not be held accountable. 

Ana has her interview, and I won't bore you with the details.

Ana goes home to find gorgeous Kate unpacking boxes, because Ana's been too busy fucking her boyfriend to help.  Ana also decides now's the time to chide Kate for bringing up her comment about Jose.

."Incidentally - will you please stop winding Christian up? Your comment about Jose at dinner yesterday was out of line. He's a jealous guy. It doesn't do any good, you know."

I wish Ana would say what she means: "Don't make Christian jealous, because if you do, he beats me."

So Kate... who senses that something is wrong, asks Ana if she's going to Georgia to escape Christian and tells Ana that she offers a no judgement zone if Ana needs to open up.

This could go well.  It doesn't.

"Oh, Kate." I hug her. "I think I've really fallen for him.""Ana, anyone can see that. And he's fallen for you. He's mad about you. Won't take his eyes off you."I laugh uncertainly."Do you think so?""Hasn't he told you?""Not in so many words.""Have you told him?""Not in so many words." I shrug apologetically."Ana! Someone has to make the first move, otherwise you'll never get anywhere." What... tell him how I feel?
"I'm just afraid I'll frighten him away.""And how do you know he's not feeling the same?"

OH MY GOD.  Yes, let's heal this mother fucker with love.  Because if you love him, and he loves you and you tell each other, then EVERYTHING will be better and alright.

You can have all my NOPES, because this is horse shit.

Ana tells Kate that she and Christian don't talk a whole lot, and Kate says that's cool... because as long as they're sexing it up, it's half the battle.

No. No it's not.  The battle here is the fact that Ana can barely think for herself, talk to her friends or family, and if she wants to she must first endure manipulation and abuse at the hands of her "boyfriend."  That's the battle.  All of it.

Ana has some more angst, e-mails Christian to ask if the housekeeper was a sub... she wasn't.  Christian asks if she'd work for his firm... she won't.  Then she leaves for the air port.

And she finds out she's been upgraded to 1st class.

Which pisses her the fuck off.

HEEEEERE'S JOHNNY!!!

Funny image of the day:

The next generation is going to be dumb as fuck. God help us.

Christian bursts through the wooden door of the boathouse and pauses to flick on some lights.



Christian sets me on my feet on the wooden floor...I don't have time to examine my surroundings-

Good. I won't have to hear about...

He pauses at the doorway and touches another switch - halogens this time, they are softer, on a dimmer - and we're in an attic room with sloping ceilings. It's decorated with a nautical New England theme: navy blues and creams with a dash of red. The furnishings are sparse, just a couple of couches are all I can see.

Mother fuck. Nevermind. I guess we will hear about it...

She asks him not to hit her... (I'm containing my rage for now, I won't lecture you right now about how this is bad and you should feel bad.  'Cause you should.)

But then she goes on to say that she doesn't really care to be spanked in his parents boat house and tries to kiss him.  Which throws Christian Grey for a loop.

It was along the lines of the over used phrase ever in the history of "romance."

"What are you doing to me?"

Is it about the kiss? No.  It's about her saying no to him.... because no one ever says no to Christian.

Today's post brought to by a mother who hopes to raise a child that isn't a selfish little fucker.
Because I will spank them till they're 16, I swear it.

What did she say no about?  That he couldn't finger bang her underneath the table and he finds this "hot."

Well that doesn't sound like a rapist at all.

And what the fuck does he mean "no one's ever said to no to him?"  Ana's been saying "no" to him quite a lot lately. You just plow right through them like the kool-aid man with threats and alcohol to get her to say "yes" and do your bidding, you arrogant fuck.

Then I read this line.... and just when I think I can't get any angrier at a character, oh... oh how I'm proven wrong.  

"I'm mad because you never mentioned Georgia to me. I'm mad because you went drinking with that guy who tried to seduce you when you were drunk and who left you when you were ill with an almost complete stranger. What kind of friend does that?

Excuse me, dear sir, but aren't you the one who:

• Was a complete stranger to Ana and her friends but STILL took her back to your hotel room when she was drunk and passed out?
• Who told Jose to leave to Ana alone, while she was still puking?  This was BEFORE she passed out, you dumb fuck.
• Never mentioned Georgia... says the man who keeps literally everything but his walking erection to himself.

It takes incredible gonads to have the audacity to stand there and say "Well that guy is terrible because he didn't stop me from taking you out of the club in the first place, even though you were unconscious, even though I was the one who told him to leave us alone.... even though I shouldn't have done that in the first goddamn place."

Does Ana argue with his fucked up logic? Nope.  So when he says he's going to fuck her for HIS pleasure, and not hers, she rolls with it.  What is she to him?  A walking vagina with a major in English.

When he's done he demands that she not touch herself because he wants her frustrated and he wants to deny her something since she's denied what's "his."

So let me just get this straight, so we're all on the same page.

Christian believes that:

• He has the right to sexually humiliate his girlfriend in front of his parents and her friend?
• Control who she talks to/hangs out with
• When and if she can leave the stage

And let's not mention the contract, because she hasn't fucking signed it yet.  

Mia interrupts their tryst to announce that Elliot and Kate are getting ready to depart.  And it was reading here I was like "Why have I heard Ana and Mia before?"

Oh... that's right....

 

Tween girls use the terms Ana and Mia to refer to their BFF's Anorexia and Bulimia   Do I think E.L. James knew this?  Yes.  Why?  She's a fan fic writer, tweens are in abundance of those things.  Do I think this is some sort of subliminal message? Maybe.  As much as self-hating that Ana does, I can't help but wonder.

Personally, I couldn't be either.  I love food too goddamn much, also, I really love my boobs. Vain as hell, I know.  Whatever.  When my milk comes in, I expect porn star status to be achieved.

Moving on...

So they swagger their way back to the house and Ana hisses at Kate:

"I need to speak to you about antagonizing Christian," I hiss quietly in her ear as she embraces me."He needs antagonizing, then you can see what he's really like. Be careful, Ana - he's so controlling." she whispers. "See you later."I KNOW WHAT HE'S REALLY LIKE - YOU DON'T! - I scream at her in my head. I'm fully aware that her actions come from a good place, but sometimes she just oversteps the mark, and right now so far that she's into the neighboring state.

Said every woman in an abusive relationship ever.

You know, I'm sure you're sick of me pointing out the abuse in the relationship - I'll stop commenting, because if it isn't fucking obvious by now....

On the way  back to Christian's, Ana comments on how she was thinking Christian was trapped into bringing her to dinner with his parents; and Christian comments that he was delighted that she met his parents and that she's such a strong, self-contained young woman.

Again... I don't see the qualities in Ana.  The writer has done nothing to show these qualities.... but because the writer has written it, it is so.

Again.  This is how cults start.

Christian asks Ana why she wants to go to Georgia... and she responds to "think about their relationship."  Mr. Grey is stunned... why?  Why would she need to think about their relationship, because on his end, I'm sure things seem hunky dorey.  We get battered around in her head more about what she wants to say:

Holy crap. How did this suddenly become such and intense and meaningful conversation? It's been sprung on me, like an exam that I'm not prepared for. What do I say? Because I think I love you, and you just see me as a toy. Because I can't touch you, because I'm too frightened to show you any affection in case you flinch or tell me off or worse - beat me?

Again... I'd like to point out she's not viewing this as a consensual BDSM relationship.. just want to point that out.  Right there.  See it?

Ana describes her batman, dark knight in Christian and just wants to "lead him to the light..."

Remember, abuse in relationships can mean "loving someone to well being..." but I'll just leave that there.

The get back to his place and have some hanky panky in the elevator, and I started to wonder... is this place an actual place?

http://www.escalamidtown.com/

HOLY FUCK!!! IT IS.

..... great.  This place is going to become the biggest goddamn biohazard on the west coast because of people getting jiggy with it in the elevator.

Ana wants to "make love" but that's a "hard limit" for Christian, and since it's only his universe that matters and not Ana's hard limits, that shit is a no go. Because expecting someone to just make love to you is a big fucking deal, but he has no qualms about trying to finger bang you at the dinner table.

After some toothbrush sharing she asks why touching is such a hard limit, and it leads to his fucked up childhood but he doesn't want to burden her with that information.  She tries to bargain with him, "you can spank me if you tell me."  At first Christian is like "hells to the no" (because again, it's his way or no way) but eventually concedes and brings out the Ben Wal balls.

What are those, pray tell, to those of you who have never peered into the realm of kinky?

Anal beads. okay?  They're anal beads.  You shove them in your ass... and you're gonna need more than SPIT to lubricate them, unlike what Mr. Grey does in this scene.  You'll need some serious lube.

After the spank sesh with the ben wa balls, they fuck and have the following pillow talk:

"The woman who brought me into this world was a crack whore...Go to sleep."

Well, fuck, that's lovely to end a sex session with.  

Commando

Editors Note: This chapter took me for-fucking-ever to write, because this chapter just seemed to drag.  Maybe it was just me.

HEY! Want your eardrums to try to jump out of your head and commit suicide?!

Christian wakes Ana up with a kiss (how shweet) and the declaration that she has be ready in 30 minutes to leave for dinner with his parents.

I'd be pissed, yo.  Waking me up after a screw and telling me that we're meeting your parents in 30 is gonna put me in a bad mood.  Especially if it's the first time meeting your parents.  I'm gonna need more than 30 minutes to compose myself and make myself look like a lady and not a lady of the night.

And now Christian has done this to Ana who does so much self-brooding and hating on the entire female population for being prettier than her, so NOW I'm worried I have to go through some angst ridden pity ply from her.

Luckily we're only stuck with her quest to find her panties.  Oh where, oh where are they?  OH SHIT! CHRISTIAN HAS THEM IN HIS POCKET! (He stuck them there after sniffing them earlier)

She likens his panty sniffing behavior as barbaric.

Haha. No.

More like this:

But I digress.

I steal into the bathroom, bewildered by my lack of underwear. While drying myself after my enjoyable but far too brief shower, I realize he's done this on purpose. He wants me to be embarrassed and ask for my panties back, and he'l either say yes or no. My inner goddess grins at me. Hell... two can play at that particular game. Resolving there and then not to ask him for them and not give him that satisfaction, I shall go meet his parents sans culottes. Anastasia Steele! My subconscious chides me, but I don't want to listen to her - I almost hug myself with glee because I know this will drive him crazy.

Why is it such a big deal to go without your panties?  I'm actually kinda worried if this is the sexual awakening that women have been looking for, because commando is a favorite of mine.  For realsies.  Well, except now... because, you know... pregnancy turns you into a mucus factory.  And YEAH, even on my period, because I'm a feminist and wear a diva cup.  I haven't had to buy tampons or pads in years. It's awwwwwesome!!

ANYWAY.  Why she thinks it's a big deal, is beyond me.  But then again, she's never heard of a dildo so I'll cut her some slack.  But I assure you, it's not.  I can guarantee if you were around me before pregnancy, I probably wasn't wearing underwear.  Don't you feel dirty now? ;) Viva La Sexual Revolution.

So she's doing it to impress her boyfriend/master of her universe.  Whatevs.  She gets dressed with the rest of her clothes and notices a drink Christian left behind.It's pale pink. What's this? Cranberry and sparkling water. Hmm... it tastes delicious and quenches my thirst.

Bet they'll sponsor the movie now!

She finds Christian with his pants hanging in just that way and Frank Sinatra is playing over the speakers and he goes to touch her cheek (ah romance!) and she feels it all the way down there.

Girl, you just had your clit lit on fire by a riding crop, why can't you just say pussy, or vagina, or something.  Seriously.  Let's stop making it feel dirty to call our parts what they are.  It's a vagina, own it!.

They dance a little bit (and no one was killed by her lack of grace) and then they're off!!  But not before Christian tries to get her to take the bait about where her panties are.

"Okay. If that's the way you want to play it, Miss Steele." He grabs my hand, collects his jacket which is hanging on one of the barstools, and leads me through the foyer to the elevator. Oh, the many faces of Christian Grey. Will I ever be able to understand this mercurial man?

Spoiler: She will not.

I peek up at him in the elevator. He's enjoying a private joke, a trace of a smile flirting with his beautiful mouth. I fear that it may be at my expense. What was I thinking? I'm going to see his parents and I'm not wearing any underwear. My subconscious gives me an unhelpful I told you so expression. In the relative safety of his apartment, it seemed like a fun, teasing idea. Now, I'm almost outside with No Panties! He peers down at me, and it's there, the charge building between us. The amused look disappears from his face and his expression clouds, his eyes dark... oh my.

Ana. Panties aren't just going to materialize because you've "won" the game. Where is this smugness you had a few moments ago?  Actions have consequences.  Ugh.
On the drive there Christian has become detached and distant.  (Sometimes my husband gets this way, I just ignore him) and she tries to draw him out of his shell by asking him where he learned how to dance.  Mrs. Robinson The Rapist The Seducer.  Now it's time for me to get my rage face back...

Ana wonders if Christian would be different if Mrs. Robinson had never entered the picture, and by better, she means not into BDSM.  So now Ana is angry at Mrs. Robinson, not because she raped him. Nope. But because now Christian is all into BDSM is thus ruined in the eyes of Ana.  Because the most important person in this story is Ana.

What in the flying fuck?  First, not all people into BDSM have been raped; and if both partners are in it for their shits and giggles and both consent fully - what's the big deal?  Two consenting adults entering into a mutually beneficial sexual relationship isn't damaged goods.  I don't chide people for one night stands, if that's what they wanted - more power to them (unless you're married... then I'm gonna judge you so hard. Marriage is a different ball game.  Don't fucking cheat on your spouse. Ever. This is not okay. I'm not an advocate for divorce and think you should work on your problems and stay fucking married, BUT if you're gonna cheat at least have the balls/ovaries to not be a skeez bucket, ok?) But if you're single and want to bar hop and sleep with someone you met only to get up the next morning and go to Ihop by yourself and never see that person again, have at it.

And let's not forget that Mrs. Robinson IS A RAPIST. 

Next we get a contradictory statement so quick it gave me literary whiplash.

At first Ana thinks that her first real experience in the red room of pain was bearable; and she'd do it all again if it meant she could be with him.  So she reaches a bottom line that if that's what it takes to be with him, she's game.    At this point, I,the reader, am like "THANK YOU, NO MORE ANGST."

Then Ana is all "I want to be in his world, but on his terms?  I just don't know..."

The hell?

Ana you just said.... WORDS MEAN THINGS.

That's another thing I hate about this book, every car/helicopter (HE HAS ONE. DID YOU KNOW THAT?!) scene has to do with Ana's flip flopping emotions.  This book would have been shorter if the car rides were just typical "They got in the car to go to such and such.  They arrived. The end."

They get to Christian's parents house and we meet an all annoying sister (who may or may not have been a character in Twilight.  Did you know this is a Twilight fan fic? 'Cause it is.  Look up the world plagiarize)  

The sister is literally like that valley high school girl:

"OH EM GEE!!! IS THAT HER?!?!"

I don't know what Christian has told his family about Ana... but whatever it is, it's to make us, the reader, cheer on Ana and her independent, brave, smart, charming witty spirit - because otherwise, that type of Ana is not existent in the book.

Christian's dad offers wine... because you know... alcohol.  If these characters don't have it, they may stop functioning.

Through his family''s overly touchy feeling she notices how at ease Kate is with Elliot and it hits Ana.  Christian only invited her because Elliot had invited Kate.  Not because he wanted to. He was trapped.  No. Ana was trapped when he weaseled his way into meeting her dad.  Trust me, for a man who sets boundaries as easily as it takes him to take a piss, I hardly think he was trapped.  But let's not focus on that, let's hate on Kate and her normal relationship with Elliot.

I glance at Kate, and she grins, her eyes bright and wide. She's delighted. Katherine Kavanagh, show some dignity!

Dignity?  Sorry everyone isn't dreading their orgasms, fearing their abusers, boyfriend, Dom; and if you enjoy sex you're a dirty, dirty whore.  -rolls eyes-  I really hate the heroine in this book because women feel like they have to be Ana now a days.  Ugh.  Bull shit, I say, all of it.

Luckily Christian's father pipes in so we don't have to hear about how pretty Kate is.

"Are you taking a break now you've finished your degree?" Mr. Grey asks.
"I'm thinking about going to Georgia for a few days," I reply.
Christian gapes at me, blinking a couple of times, his expression unreadable. Oh shit.
I haven't mentioned this to him.
"Georgia?" he murmurs.
"My mother lives there, and I haven't seen her for a while."
"When were you thinking of going?" His voice is low.
"Tomorrow, late evening."

Excuse me, Mr. Bossy Pants, she hasn't signed a contract yet.  And contract aside, she can fucking do as she damn well pleases you ass hat. Only a psychopath would actually assume he has complete control over someone....

How does Christian react?  Like a pompous ass, that's how:

Kate and Elliot follow Mr. Grey and Mia out of the room. I go to follow, but Christian clutches my elbow, bringing me to an abrupt halt.
"When were you going to tell me you were leaving?" he asks urgently. His tone is soft, but he's masking his anger.
"I'm not leaving, I'm going to see my mother, and I was only thinking about it."
"What about our arrangement?"
"We don't have an arrangement yet."
He narrows his eyes, and then seems to remember himself. Releasing my hand, he takes my elbow and leads me out of the room.
"This conversation is not over," he whispers threateningly as we enter the dining room.

If by chance, a man, boy I was dating said to me "this conversation is not over" I would  beg to differ.  The hell it isn't.  Discussion done.  If I want to fly across the world, I can.  Not your property, dude.

So they go into the next room for more wine where they're questioned about how they met, but Ana is too busy pleading for Christian to not get mad at her.

Kate interjects"What are you two whispering about?" Kate interjects.
I flush, and Christian glares at her in a butt-out-of-this-Kavanagh kind of way - even Kate wilts under his stare.
"Just about my trip to Georgia," I say sweetly, hoping to diffuse their mutual hostility.
Kate smiles, a wicked gleam in her eye.
"How was Jose when you went to the bar with him on Friday?" Holy fuck, Kate. I widen my eyes at her. What is she doing? She widens her eyes back at me, and I realize she's trying to make Christian jealous.How little she knows. I thought I'd got away with this.
"He was fine," I murmur.
Christian leans over.
"Palm-twitchingly mad," he whispers. "Especially now." His tone is quiet and deadly.

Kate... you've shown concern for Ana's safety with Christian.  Why in the ever-living-FUCK would you goade the man?  If you have a friend in an abusive relationship, don't chide the mother fucker.  Your friend will either end up with a black eye or someone is going to be ID-ing a body.  But let's not linger because here comes another evil blonde.

Grace reappears carrying two plates, followed by a pretty young woman with blonde pigtails, dressed smartly in pale blue, carrying a tray of plates. Her eyes immediately find Christian in the room. She blushes and gazes at him from under long mascara'd lashes.
What!

Yeah, what a hoe, being blonde and having long lashes.  

But let's not focus on Christian's anger... oh wait...

My mind is working furiously. Damn Kate, what game is she playing? Will he punish me? I quail at the thought. I haven't signed that contract yet. Perhaps I won't. Perhaps I'll stay in Georgia where he can't reach me.

Except he'll probably track you down and murder you.  Because I'm pretty sure he's capable of doing that.

Wait... another blonde...

As we finish our starters, Gretchen appears, and not for the first time, I wish I felt able to put my hands freely on Christian just to let her know - he may be fifty shades of fucked-up, but he's mine. She proceeds to clear the table, brushing rather too closely to Christian for my liking. Fortunately, he seems oblivious to her, but my inner goddess is smoldering and not in a good way.

He may be some abusive pseudo boyfriend, but he's hot  he's hers.  All that matters.  

How many fucking times have I heard: "I can't leave him, he's my only chance/baby daddy/sooo hot/he has money."

ANYWAY, dinner is served and Christian tries to finger bang her underneath the table. After dinner, Christian offers Ana a tour of the grounds and when they leave he throws her over her shoulder, smacks her ass.

Ana is wondering what she did this time... was it Georgia? Seeing Jose? Biting her lip?  Who the hell knows and Christian probably doesn't fucking care because at this point I don't think he's being a responsible dominant.  I hate being around people who get irrationally angry about anything - pisses me off to no end.

He's taking her to the boat house so he can spank her and then fuck her.

But if Jason popped out and killed them both, I'd be satisfied with that ending.  But that's not how it ends... and it makes my heart hurt a little bit.



Oh thank God I'm done with this chapter, I just could not get into it... how people fangirl over the whole series is above my head.

Blondes Are The Superior Race, Duh.

Apparently E.L. James hates blondes... like really  hates them.

Dr. Greene is tall, blond, and immaculate, dressed in a royal blue suit. I'm reminded of the women who work in Christian's office. She's like an identikit model - another Stepford blond.

Can I just say that I hate, really hate, being told I'm something or judged based on my hair color?  Something I have no control over, no really, natural blonde over here.  So I get to apologize for two things: being blonde and having a vagina.  Thanks society.

And thank you E.L. James for adding to that stereotype.  You suck.

We shake hands, and I know she's one of those women who doesn't tolerate fools gladly. Like Kate. I like her immediately.

Wait... does Ana like Kate or is she calling Kate a fool?  Who the hell knows? Grammar doesn't exist in this book, ever.

I love her no-nonsense attitude - she has lectured me until she's as blue as her dress about taking it at the same time every day. And I can tell she's burning with curiosity about my so-called relationship with Mr. Grey.

Yep. She's totally NOT curious as to how you've gone this long in life without going to see a gyno.  My OBGYN has never ever taken an interest in my relationships, ever.  It gets about as far as "How many sexual partners since the last visit?"  Sometimes I screw with him and say that I lose count, just for giggles.

And while we're here, during Ana's pap smear - what doctor comes to someones house for a PAP SMEAR?  I'd just like to point out that Christian has made it a life commitment to have the freakiest sex possible, so WHO KNOWS what bodily fluids are floating about...  Just. Ick.  Maybe if it was in MY home, sure.. I just find this weird.  And this is coming from someone who wants to have a home birth one day...

They finally get done and go down to find Christian, when the doctor responds, out of no where:

 "Yes, Mr. Grey. Look after her; she's a beautiful, bright young woman." Christian is taken aback - as am I. What an inappropriate thing for a doctor to say.

I guess Ana has spectacular vagina, because how the doctor came to those assumptions, I have no idea.  My doctor gets onto me if I'm 2 months late for my pap - here's Ana, never having one and she's suddenly bright?  Was it the most amazing vagina ever?  Does it talk? 



Oh, right, E.L. James is throwing this in so we have to believe it because she made it so.  So it is written, so it is done.

This is how cults start.
Just sayin'
Have you seen Twilight Fans?

After the good doctor leaves Ana, jokingly, tells Christian no sex for a month.

He narrows his eyes, and I immediately stop laughing. In fact, he looks rather forbidding. Oh shit. My subconscious quails in the corner as all the blood drains from my face, and I imagine him putting me across his knee again.
"Gotcha!" he says and smirks.

Oh he's the charmer, isn't he.  JUST the kind of man I want my daughter to bring home.  I love how it's JUST so hilarious that he finds it funny that he makes her uncomfortable with threatened acts of physical violence

.
Christian decides that Ana needs to eat so he gets out a salad and some wine, because in a split dimension he's Jimmy Buffet and it's 5 o'clock somewhere.


Over lunch and booze, Christian asks Ana what kind of birth control she opted for (I'm actually surprised he gave her a choice) and when she tells him the pill, he's not exactly thrilled.  Dude, you're trying to control every aspect of you life, why didn't you just pay for the doc to put an IUD in or the Nexplanon or something?  NOT give her a choice; now she's made a choice and you're not happy. Fantastic.

Look, if you're THAT worried about having a kid - not that I blame you considering your sexual addictions and money could pose for a baby - wrap. it. up.

He then moves onto the contract... which still hasn't been signed.  Which is also something I don't get, a lot of people have been like "Well, there's a contract so it's okay."  Um, excuse me, but when the fuck does this thing get signed? Probably never... because then it couldn't be a lurve story.  And since when do contracts or anything of that matter to people?  People sign marriage licenses and still fuck up their marriages, despite being legally bound to a person.  So, whatever.

ANYWAY, Christian asks Ana if she's sure she wants to do this, she points out no contract has been signed and he says, "I've been breaking a lot of rules lately."

What he means is: "That's okay, I really don't need one, it's just to stroke my ginormous ego.  Have you seen my helicopter, because I have one.  So you don't really need to sign it, it's to give you a false sense of security that you really don't have.  Also, I have a helicopter."

"Are you going to hit me?"
"Yes, but it won't be to hurt you. I don't want to punish you right now. If you'd caught me yesterday evening, well, that would have been a different story." Holy cow. He wants to hurt me... how do I deal with this? I can't hide the horror on my face.
"Don't let anyone try and convince you otherwise, Anastasia. One of the reasons people like me do this is because we either like to give or receive pain. It's very simple. You don't, so I spent a great deal of time yesterday thinking about that." He pulls me against him, and his erection presses into my belly. I should run, but I can't. I'm drawn to him on some deep, elemental level, that I can't begin to understand.



Also, Christian you dumb fuck, some people aren't into BDSM for the pain.  Some people just like being tied up and being told what to do.  Broad judgements this book makes.

So, even though Christian hasn't decided one way or the other about inflicting pain on her, he takes her to his play room. Because they. must. fuck. right. now.

We have an encounter with BDSM, and I'm not gonna knock it, even when he says "You're here for my enjoyment"  Because now they're in the bedroom... in a BDSM experience.  This is pretty standard.  I'm still not exactly jumping up and down because Ana has been manipulated and twisted into this arrangement and is doing these things to keep a man and disregarding her pleasure and needs because she has such a shallow view of sex, of course it's only about the man and his ability to orgasm.

But I'm nit-picking.

So I'm assuming this is the raunchy sex people are going ga-ga over?

-yawn-

Apparently it's not hard to get published.  No. Really. It's Not.

Dear Publishers:


There's this one line in their BDSM encounter that had me asking, "HOW IS THAT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE."

The riding crop on her clit?  No. Possible.

It was this:  I'm leaning against his chest, my eyes are closed, and he's wrapped around me - arms and legs - and I feel... safe, and oh so comfortable. Will he let me sleep, perchance to dream?

Now she's still tied to the wall at the point... by her hands and feet... so is he, like... hanging on like a monkey?

All I could think of was Peepers from the SNL skits at this point:

Hope I'm not ruining your love fest over there.

And, not to be a downer, but Ana... dearest... "Will he let me sleep, perchance to dream." is about someone dying.  But maybe your subconscious is letting on that Christian is a murderer.  If you didn't know this line is from Hamlet from Shakespear and it's about trying to determine if you should kill yourself or take your chances at your uncle/dad taking a chance at sending you to swim with the fishies.

Brit Lit. Freshman Year of College.  You're welcome.

If thou couldst rideth me with a shlong; I would be indebted forever more. 

They screw some more, he dresses her like she's a child...

And he takes her to her room, but crawls into bed with her... because she's healing him with her love or something like that.

And there's chapter 18.