Commando

Editors Note: This chapter took me for-fucking-ever to write, because this chapter just seemed to drag.  Maybe it was just me.

HEY! Want your eardrums to try to jump out of your head and commit suicide?!

Christian wakes Ana up with a kiss (how shweet) and the declaration that she has be ready in 30 minutes to leave for dinner with his parents.

I'd be pissed, yo.  Waking me up after a screw and telling me that we're meeting your parents in 30 is gonna put me in a bad mood.  Especially if it's the first time meeting your parents.  I'm gonna need more than 30 minutes to compose myself and make myself look like a lady and not a lady of the night.

And now Christian has done this to Ana who does so much self-brooding and hating on the entire female population for being prettier than her, so NOW I'm worried I have to go through some angst ridden pity ply from her.

Luckily we're only stuck with her quest to find her panties.  Oh where, oh where are they?  OH SHIT! CHRISTIAN HAS THEM IN HIS POCKET! (He stuck them there after sniffing them earlier)

She likens his panty sniffing behavior as barbaric.

Haha. No.

More like this:

But I digress.

I steal into the bathroom, bewildered by my lack of underwear. While drying myself after my enjoyable but far too brief shower, I realize he's done this on purpose. He wants me to be embarrassed and ask for my panties back, and he'l either say yes or no. My inner goddess grins at me. Hell... two can play at that particular game. Resolving there and then not to ask him for them and not give him that satisfaction, I shall go meet his parents sans culottes. Anastasia Steele! My subconscious chides me, but I don't want to listen to her - I almost hug myself with glee because I know this will drive him crazy.

Why is it such a big deal to go without your panties?  I'm actually kinda worried if this is the sexual awakening that women have been looking for, because commando is a favorite of mine.  For realsies.  Well, except now... because, you know... pregnancy turns you into a mucus factory.  And YEAH, even on my period, because I'm a feminist and wear a diva cup.  I haven't had to buy tampons or pads in years. It's awwwwwesome!!

ANYWAY.  Why she thinks it's a big deal, is beyond me.  But then again, she's never heard of a dildo so I'll cut her some slack.  But I assure you, it's not.  I can guarantee if you were around me before pregnancy, I probably wasn't wearing underwear.  Don't you feel dirty now? ;) Viva La Sexual Revolution.

So she's doing it to impress her boyfriend/master of her universe.  Whatevs.  She gets dressed with the rest of her clothes and notices a drink Christian left behind.It's pale pink. What's this? Cranberry and sparkling water. Hmm... it tastes delicious and quenches my thirst.

Bet they'll sponsor the movie now!

She finds Christian with his pants hanging in just that way and Frank Sinatra is playing over the speakers and he goes to touch her cheek (ah romance!) and she feels it all the way down there.

Girl, you just had your clit lit on fire by a riding crop, why can't you just say pussy, or vagina, or something.  Seriously.  Let's stop making it feel dirty to call our parts what they are.  It's a vagina, own it!.

They dance a little bit (and no one was killed by her lack of grace) and then they're off!!  But not before Christian tries to get her to take the bait about where her panties are.

"Okay. If that's the way you want to play it, Miss Steele." He grabs my hand, collects his jacket which is hanging on one of the barstools, and leads me through the foyer to the elevator. Oh, the many faces of Christian Grey. Will I ever be able to understand this mercurial man?

Spoiler: She will not.

I peek up at him in the elevator. He's enjoying a private joke, a trace of a smile flirting with his beautiful mouth. I fear that it may be at my expense. What was I thinking? I'm going to see his parents and I'm not wearing any underwear. My subconscious gives me an unhelpful I told you so expression. In the relative safety of his apartment, it seemed like a fun, teasing idea. Now, I'm almost outside with No Panties! He peers down at me, and it's there, the charge building between us. The amused look disappears from his face and his expression clouds, his eyes dark... oh my.

Ana. Panties aren't just going to materialize because you've "won" the game. Where is this smugness you had a few moments ago?  Actions have consequences.  Ugh.
On the drive there Christian has become detached and distant.  (Sometimes my husband gets this way, I just ignore him) and she tries to draw him out of his shell by asking him where he learned how to dance.  Mrs. Robinson The Rapist The Seducer.  Now it's time for me to get my rage face back...

Ana wonders if Christian would be different if Mrs. Robinson had never entered the picture, and by better, she means not into BDSM.  So now Ana is angry at Mrs. Robinson, not because she raped him. Nope. But because now Christian is all into BDSM is thus ruined in the eyes of Ana.  Because the most important person in this story is Ana.

What in the flying fuck?  First, not all people into BDSM have been raped; and if both partners are in it for their shits and giggles and both consent fully - what's the big deal?  Two consenting adults entering into a mutually beneficial sexual relationship isn't damaged goods.  I don't chide people for one night stands, if that's what they wanted - more power to them (unless you're married... then I'm gonna judge you so hard. Marriage is a different ball game.  Don't fucking cheat on your spouse. Ever. This is not okay. I'm not an advocate for divorce and think you should work on your problems and stay fucking married, BUT if you're gonna cheat at least have the balls/ovaries to not be a skeez bucket, ok?) But if you're single and want to bar hop and sleep with someone you met only to get up the next morning and go to Ihop by yourself and never see that person again, have at it.

And let's not forget that Mrs. Robinson IS A RAPIST. 

Next we get a contradictory statement so quick it gave me literary whiplash.

At first Ana thinks that her first real experience in the red room of pain was bearable; and she'd do it all again if it meant she could be with him.  So she reaches a bottom line that if that's what it takes to be with him, she's game.    At this point, I,the reader, am like "THANK YOU, NO MORE ANGST."

Then Ana is all "I want to be in his world, but on his terms?  I just don't know..."

The hell?

Ana you just said.... WORDS MEAN THINGS.

That's another thing I hate about this book, every car/helicopter (HE HAS ONE. DID YOU KNOW THAT?!) scene has to do with Ana's flip flopping emotions.  This book would have been shorter if the car rides were just typical "They got in the car to go to such and such.  They arrived. The end."

They get to Christian's parents house and we meet an all annoying sister (who may or may not have been a character in Twilight.  Did you know this is a Twilight fan fic? 'Cause it is.  Look up the world plagiarize)  

The sister is literally like that valley high school girl:

"OH EM GEE!!! IS THAT HER?!?!"

I don't know what Christian has told his family about Ana... but whatever it is, it's to make us, the reader, cheer on Ana and her independent, brave, smart, charming witty spirit - because otherwise, that type of Ana is not existent in the book.

Christian's dad offers wine... because you know... alcohol.  If these characters don't have it, they may stop functioning.

Through his family''s overly touchy feeling she notices how at ease Kate is with Elliot and it hits Ana.  Christian only invited her because Elliot had invited Kate.  Not because he wanted to. He was trapped.  No. Ana was trapped when he weaseled his way into meeting her dad.  Trust me, for a man who sets boundaries as easily as it takes him to take a piss, I hardly think he was trapped.  But let's not focus on that, let's hate on Kate and her normal relationship with Elliot.

I glance at Kate, and she grins, her eyes bright and wide. She's delighted. Katherine Kavanagh, show some dignity!

Dignity?  Sorry everyone isn't dreading their orgasms, fearing their abusers, boyfriend, Dom; and if you enjoy sex you're a dirty, dirty whore.  -rolls eyes-  I really hate the heroine in this book because women feel like they have to be Ana now a days.  Ugh.  Bull shit, I say, all of it.

Luckily Christian's father pipes in so we don't have to hear about how pretty Kate is.

"Are you taking a break now you've finished your degree?" Mr. Grey asks.
"I'm thinking about going to Georgia for a few days," I reply.
Christian gapes at me, blinking a couple of times, his expression unreadable. Oh shit.
I haven't mentioned this to him.
"Georgia?" he murmurs.
"My mother lives there, and I haven't seen her for a while."
"When were you thinking of going?" His voice is low.
"Tomorrow, late evening."

Excuse me, Mr. Bossy Pants, she hasn't signed a contract yet.  And contract aside, she can fucking do as she damn well pleases you ass hat. Only a psychopath would actually assume he has complete control over someone....

How does Christian react?  Like a pompous ass, that's how:

Kate and Elliot follow Mr. Grey and Mia out of the room. I go to follow, but Christian clutches my elbow, bringing me to an abrupt halt.
"When were you going to tell me you were leaving?" he asks urgently. His tone is soft, but he's masking his anger.
"I'm not leaving, I'm going to see my mother, and I was only thinking about it."
"What about our arrangement?"
"We don't have an arrangement yet."
He narrows his eyes, and then seems to remember himself. Releasing my hand, he takes my elbow and leads me out of the room.
"This conversation is not over," he whispers threateningly as we enter the dining room.

If by chance, a man, boy I was dating said to me "this conversation is not over" I would  beg to differ.  The hell it isn't.  Discussion done.  If I want to fly across the world, I can.  Not your property, dude.

So they go into the next room for more wine where they're questioned about how they met, but Ana is too busy pleading for Christian to not get mad at her.

Kate interjects"What are you two whispering about?" Kate interjects.
I flush, and Christian glares at her in a butt-out-of-this-Kavanagh kind of way - even Kate wilts under his stare.
"Just about my trip to Georgia," I say sweetly, hoping to diffuse their mutual hostility.
Kate smiles, a wicked gleam in her eye.
"How was Jose when you went to the bar with him on Friday?" Holy fuck, Kate. I widen my eyes at her. What is she doing? She widens her eyes back at me, and I realize she's trying to make Christian jealous.How little she knows. I thought I'd got away with this.
"He was fine," I murmur.
Christian leans over.
"Palm-twitchingly mad," he whispers. "Especially now." His tone is quiet and deadly.

Kate... you've shown concern for Ana's safety with Christian.  Why in the ever-living-FUCK would you goade the man?  If you have a friend in an abusive relationship, don't chide the mother fucker.  Your friend will either end up with a black eye or someone is going to be ID-ing a body.  But let's not linger because here comes another evil blonde.

Grace reappears carrying two plates, followed by a pretty young woman with blonde pigtails, dressed smartly in pale blue, carrying a tray of plates. Her eyes immediately find Christian in the room. She blushes and gazes at him from under long mascara'd lashes.
What!

Yeah, what a hoe, being blonde and having long lashes.  

But let's not focus on Christian's anger... oh wait...

My mind is working furiously. Damn Kate, what game is she playing? Will he punish me? I quail at the thought. I haven't signed that contract yet. Perhaps I won't. Perhaps I'll stay in Georgia where he can't reach me.

Except he'll probably track you down and murder you.  Because I'm pretty sure he's capable of doing that.

Wait... another blonde...

As we finish our starters, Gretchen appears, and not for the first time, I wish I felt able to put my hands freely on Christian just to let her know - he may be fifty shades of fucked-up, but he's mine. She proceeds to clear the table, brushing rather too closely to Christian for my liking. Fortunately, he seems oblivious to her, but my inner goddess is smoldering and not in a good way.

He may be some abusive pseudo boyfriend, but he's hot  he's hers.  All that matters.  

How many fucking times have I heard: "I can't leave him, he's my only chance/baby daddy/sooo hot/he has money."

ANYWAY, dinner is served and Christian tries to finger bang her underneath the table. After dinner, Christian offers Ana a tour of the grounds and when they leave he throws her over her shoulder, smacks her ass.

Ana is wondering what she did this time... was it Georgia? Seeing Jose? Biting her lip?  Who the hell knows and Christian probably doesn't fucking care because at this point I don't think he's being a responsible dominant.  I hate being around people who get irrationally angry about anything - pisses me off to no end.

He's taking her to the boat house so he can spank her and then fuck her.

But if Jason popped out and killed them both, I'd be satisfied with that ending.  But that's not how it ends... and it makes my heart hurt a little bit.



Oh thank God I'm done with this chapter, I just could not get into it... how people fangirl over the whole series is above my head.