Apparently E.L. James hates blondes... like really hates them.
Dr. Greene is tall, blond, and immaculate, dressed in a royal blue suit. I'm reminded of the women who work in Christian's office. She's like an identikit model - another Stepford blond.
Can I just say that I hate, really hate, being told I'm something or judged based on my hair color? Something I have no control over, no really, natural blonde over here. So I get to apologize for two things: being blonde and having a vagina. Thanks society.
And thank you E.L. James for adding to that stereotype. You suck.
We shake hands, and I know she's one of those women who doesn't tolerate fools gladly. Like Kate. I like her immediately.
Wait... does Ana like Kate or is she calling Kate a fool? Who the hell knows? Grammar doesn't exist in this book, ever.
I love her no-nonsense attitude - she has lectured me until she's as blue as her dress about taking it at the same time every day. And I can tell she's burning with curiosity about my so-called relationship with Mr. Grey.
Yep. She's totally NOT curious as to how you've gone this long in life without going to see a gyno. My OBGYN has never ever taken an interest in my relationships, ever. It gets about as far as "How many sexual partners since the last visit?" Sometimes I screw with him and say that I lose count, just for giggles.
And while we're here, during Ana's pap smear - what doctor comes to someones house for a PAP SMEAR? I'd just like to point out that Christian has made it a life commitment to have the freakiest sex possible, so WHO KNOWS what bodily fluids are floating about... Just. Ick. Maybe if it was in MY home, sure.. I just find this weird. And this is coming from someone who wants to have a home birth one day...
They finally get done and go down to find Christian, when the doctor responds, out of no where:
"Yes, Mr. Grey. Look after her; she's a beautiful, bright young woman." Christian is taken aback - as am I. What an inappropriate thing for a doctor to say.
I guess Ana has spectacular vagina, because how the doctor came to those assumptions, I have no idea. My doctor gets onto me if I'm 2 months late for my pap - here's Ana, never having one and she's suddenly bright? Was it the most amazing vagina ever? Does it talk?
Oh, right, E.L. James is throwing this in so we have to believe it because she made it so. So it is written, so it is done.
 |
| This is how cults start. Just sayin' Have you seen Twilight Fans? |
After the good doctor leaves Ana, jokingly, tells Christian no sex for a month.
He narrows his eyes, and I immediately stop laughing. In fact, he looks rather forbidding. Oh shit. My subconscious quails in the corner as all the blood drains from my face, and I imagine him putting me across his knee again.
"Gotcha!" he says and smirks.
Oh he's the charmer, isn't he. JUST the kind of man I want my daughter to bring home. I love how it's JUST so hilarious that he finds it funny that he makes her uncomfortable with threatened acts of physical violence
.
Christian decides that Ana needs to eat so he gets out a salad and some wine, because in a split dimension he's Jimmy Buffet and it's 5 o'clock somewhere.
Over lunch and booze, Christian asks Ana what kind of birth control she opted for (I'm actually surprised he gave her a choice) and when she tells him the pill, he's not exactly thrilled. Dude, you're trying to control every aspect of you life, why didn't you just pay for the doc to put an IUD in or the Nexplanon or something? NOT give her a choice; now she's made a choice and you're not happy. Fantastic.
Look, if you're THAT worried about having a kid - not that I blame you considering your sexual addictions and money could pose for a baby - wrap. it. up.
He then moves onto the contract... which still hasn't been signed. Which is also something I don't get, a lot of people have been like "Well, there's a contract so it's okay." Um, excuse me, but when the fuck does this thing get signed? Probably never... because then it couldn't be a lurve story. And since when do contracts or anything of that matter to people? People sign marriage licenses and still fuck up their marriages, despite being legally bound to a person. So, whatever.
ANYWAY, Christian asks Ana if she's sure she wants to do this, she points out no contract has been signed and he says, "I've been breaking a lot of rules lately."
What he means is: "That's okay, I really don't need one, it's just to stroke my ginormous ego. Have you seen my helicopter, because I have one. So you don't really need to sign it, it's to give you a false sense of security that you really don't have. Also, I have a helicopter."
"Are you going to hit me?"
"Yes, but it won't be to hurt you. I don't want to punish you right now. If you'd caught me yesterday evening, well, that would have been a different story." Holy cow. He wants to hurt me... how do I deal with this? I can't hide the horror on my face.
"Don't let anyone try and convince you otherwise, Anastasia. One of the reasons people like me do this is because we either like to give or receive pain. It's very simple. You don't, so I spent a great deal of time yesterday thinking about that." He pulls me against him, and his erection presses into my belly. I should run, but I can't. I'm drawn to him on some deep, elemental level, that I can't begin to understand.
Also, Christian you dumb fuck, some people aren't into BDSM for the pain. Some people just like being tied up and being told what to do. Broad judgements this book makes.
So, even though Christian hasn't decided one way or the other about inflicting pain on her, he takes her to his play room. Because they. must. fuck. right. now.
We have an encounter with BDSM, and I'm not gonna knock it, even when he says "You're here for my enjoyment" Because now they're in the bedroom... in a BDSM experience. This is pretty standard. I'm still not exactly jumping up and down because Ana has been manipulated and twisted into this arrangement and is doing these things to keep a man and disregarding her pleasure and needs because she has such a shallow view of sex, of course it's only about the man and his ability to orgasm.
But I'm nit-picking.
So I'm assuming this is the raunchy sex people are going ga-ga over?
-yawn-
Apparently it's not hard to get published. No. Really. It's Not.
Dear Publishers:
There's this one line in their BDSM encounter that had me asking, "HOW IS THAT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE."
The riding crop on her clit? No. Possible.
It was this: I'm leaning against his chest, my eyes are closed, and he's wrapped around me - arms and legs - and I feel... safe, and oh so comfortable. Will he let me sleep, perchance to dream?
Now she's still tied to the wall at the point... by her hands and feet... so is he, like... hanging on like a monkey?
All I could think of was Peepers from the SNL skits at this point:
| Hope I'm not ruining your love fest over there. |
And, not to be a downer, but Ana... dearest... "Will he let me sleep, perchance to dream." is about someone dying. But maybe your subconscious is letting on that Christian is a murderer. If you didn't know this line is from Hamlet from Shakespear and it's about trying to determine if you should kill yourself or take your chances at your uncle/dad taking a chance at sending you to swim with the fishies.
Brit Lit. Freshman Year of College. You're welcome.
| If thou couldst rideth me with a shlong; I would be indebted forever more. |
They screw some more, he dresses her like she's a child...
And he takes her to her room, but crawls into bed with her... because she's healing him with her love or something like that.
And there's chapter 18.
And there's chapter 18.
