Commando

Editors Note: This chapter took me for-fucking-ever to write, because this chapter just seemed to drag.  Maybe it was just me.

HEY! Want your eardrums to try to jump out of your head and commit suicide?!

Christian wakes Ana up with a kiss (how shweet) and the declaration that she has be ready in 30 minutes to leave for dinner with his parents.

I'd be pissed, yo.  Waking me up after a screw and telling me that we're meeting your parents in 30 is gonna put me in a bad mood.  Especially if it's the first time meeting your parents.  I'm gonna need more than 30 minutes to compose myself and make myself look like a lady and not a lady of the night.

And now Christian has done this to Ana who does so much self-brooding and hating on the entire female population for being prettier than her, so NOW I'm worried I have to go through some angst ridden pity ply from her.

Luckily we're only stuck with her quest to find her panties.  Oh where, oh where are they?  OH SHIT! CHRISTIAN HAS THEM IN HIS POCKET! (He stuck them there after sniffing them earlier)

She likens his panty sniffing behavior as barbaric.

Haha. No.

More like this:

But I digress.

I steal into the bathroom, bewildered by my lack of underwear. While drying myself after my enjoyable but far too brief shower, I realize he's done this on purpose. He wants me to be embarrassed and ask for my panties back, and he'l either say yes or no. My inner goddess grins at me. Hell... two can play at that particular game. Resolving there and then not to ask him for them and not give him that satisfaction, I shall go meet his parents sans culottes. Anastasia Steele! My subconscious chides me, but I don't want to listen to her - I almost hug myself with glee because I know this will drive him crazy.

Why is it such a big deal to go without your panties?  I'm actually kinda worried if this is the sexual awakening that women have been looking for, because commando is a favorite of mine.  For realsies.  Well, except now... because, you know... pregnancy turns you into a mucus factory.  And YEAH, even on my period, because I'm a feminist and wear a diva cup.  I haven't had to buy tampons or pads in years. It's awwwwwesome!!

ANYWAY.  Why she thinks it's a big deal, is beyond me.  But then again, she's never heard of a dildo so I'll cut her some slack.  But I assure you, it's not.  I can guarantee if you were around me before pregnancy, I probably wasn't wearing underwear.  Don't you feel dirty now? ;) Viva La Sexual Revolution.

So she's doing it to impress her boyfriend/master of her universe.  Whatevs.  She gets dressed with the rest of her clothes and notices a drink Christian left behind.It's pale pink. What's this? Cranberry and sparkling water. Hmm... it tastes delicious and quenches my thirst.

Bet they'll sponsor the movie now!

She finds Christian with his pants hanging in just that way and Frank Sinatra is playing over the speakers and he goes to touch her cheek (ah romance!) and she feels it all the way down there.

Girl, you just had your clit lit on fire by a riding crop, why can't you just say pussy, or vagina, or something.  Seriously.  Let's stop making it feel dirty to call our parts what they are.  It's a vagina, own it!.

They dance a little bit (and no one was killed by her lack of grace) and then they're off!!  But not before Christian tries to get her to take the bait about where her panties are.

"Okay. If that's the way you want to play it, Miss Steele." He grabs my hand, collects his jacket which is hanging on one of the barstools, and leads me through the foyer to the elevator. Oh, the many faces of Christian Grey. Will I ever be able to understand this mercurial man?

Spoiler: She will not.

I peek up at him in the elevator. He's enjoying a private joke, a trace of a smile flirting with his beautiful mouth. I fear that it may be at my expense. What was I thinking? I'm going to see his parents and I'm not wearing any underwear. My subconscious gives me an unhelpful I told you so expression. In the relative safety of his apartment, it seemed like a fun, teasing idea. Now, I'm almost outside with No Panties! He peers down at me, and it's there, the charge building between us. The amused look disappears from his face and his expression clouds, his eyes dark... oh my.

Ana. Panties aren't just going to materialize because you've "won" the game. Where is this smugness you had a few moments ago?  Actions have consequences.  Ugh.
On the drive there Christian has become detached and distant.  (Sometimes my husband gets this way, I just ignore him) and she tries to draw him out of his shell by asking him where he learned how to dance.  Mrs. Robinson The Rapist The Seducer.  Now it's time for me to get my rage face back...

Ana wonders if Christian would be different if Mrs. Robinson had never entered the picture, and by better, she means not into BDSM.  So now Ana is angry at Mrs. Robinson, not because she raped him. Nope. But because now Christian is all into BDSM is thus ruined in the eyes of Ana.  Because the most important person in this story is Ana.

What in the flying fuck?  First, not all people into BDSM have been raped; and if both partners are in it for their shits and giggles and both consent fully - what's the big deal?  Two consenting adults entering into a mutually beneficial sexual relationship isn't damaged goods.  I don't chide people for one night stands, if that's what they wanted - more power to them (unless you're married... then I'm gonna judge you so hard. Marriage is a different ball game.  Don't fucking cheat on your spouse. Ever. This is not okay. I'm not an advocate for divorce and think you should work on your problems and stay fucking married, BUT if you're gonna cheat at least have the balls/ovaries to not be a skeez bucket, ok?) But if you're single and want to bar hop and sleep with someone you met only to get up the next morning and go to Ihop by yourself and never see that person again, have at it.

And let's not forget that Mrs. Robinson IS A RAPIST. 

Next we get a contradictory statement so quick it gave me literary whiplash.

At first Ana thinks that her first real experience in the red room of pain was bearable; and she'd do it all again if it meant she could be with him.  So she reaches a bottom line that if that's what it takes to be with him, she's game.    At this point, I,the reader, am like "THANK YOU, NO MORE ANGST."

Then Ana is all "I want to be in his world, but on his terms?  I just don't know..."

The hell?

Ana you just said.... WORDS MEAN THINGS.

That's another thing I hate about this book, every car/helicopter (HE HAS ONE. DID YOU KNOW THAT?!) scene has to do with Ana's flip flopping emotions.  This book would have been shorter if the car rides were just typical "They got in the car to go to such and such.  They arrived. The end."

They get to Christian's parents house and we meet an all annoying sister (who may or may not have been a character in Twilight.  Did you know this is a Twilight fan fic? 'Cause it is.  Look up the world plagiarize)  

The sister is literally like that valley high school girl:

"OH EM GEE!!! IS THAT HER?!?!"

I don't know what Christian has told his family about Ana... but whatever it is, it's to make us, the reader, cheer on Ana and her independent, brave, smart, charming witty spirit - because otherwise, that type of Ana is not existent in the book.

Christian's dad offers wine... because you know... alcohol.  If these characters don't have it, they may stop functioning.

Through his family''s overly touchy feeling she notices how at ease Kate is with Elliot and it hits Ana.  Christian only invited her because Elliot had invited Kate.  Not because he wanted to. He was trapped.  No. Ana was trapped when he weaseled his way into meeting her dad.  Trust me, for a man who sets boundaries as easily as it takes him to take a piss, I hardly think he was trapped.  But let's not focus on that, let's hate on Kate and her normal relationship with Elliot.

I glance at Kate, and she grins, her eyes bright and wide. She's delighted. Katherine Kavanagh, show some dignity!

Dignity?  Sorry everyone isn't dreading their orgasms, fearing their abusers, boyfriend, Dom; and if you enjoy sex you're a dirty, dirty whore.  -rolls eyes-  I really hate the heroine in this book because women feel like they have to be Ana now a days.  Ugh.  Bull shit, I say, all of it.

Luckily Christian's father pipes in so we don't have to hear about how pretty Kate is.

"Are you taking a break now you've finished your degree?" Mr. Grey asks.
"I'm thinking about going to Georgia for a few days," I reply.
Christian gapes at me, blinking a couple of times, his expression unreadable. Oh shit.
I haven't mentioned this to him.
"Georgia?" he murmurs.
"My mother lives there, and I haven't seen her for a while."
"When were you thinking of going?" His voice is low.
"Tomorrow, late evening."

Excuse me, Mr. Bossy Pants, she hasn't signed a contract yet.  And contract aside, she can fucking do as she damn well pleases you ass hat. Only a psychopath would actually assume he has complete control over someone....

How does Christian react?  Like a pompous ass, that's how:

Kate and Elliot follow Mr. Grey and Mia out of the room. I go to follow, but Christian clutches my elbow, bringing me to an abrupt halt.
"When were you going to tell me you were leaving?" he asks urgently. His tone is soft, but he's masking his anger.
"I'm not leaving, I'm going to see my mother, and I was only thinking about it."
"What about our arrangement?"
"We don't have an arrangement yet."
He narrows his eyes, and then seems to remember himself. Releasing my hand, he takes my elbow and leads me out of the room.
"This conversation is not over," he whispers threateningly as we enter the dining room.

If by chance, a man, boy I was dating said to me "this conversation is not over" I would  beg to differ.  The hell it isn't.  Discussion done.  If I want to fly across the world, I can.  Not your property, dude.

So they go into the next room for more wine where they're questioned about how they met, but Ana is too busy pleading for Christian to not get mad at her.

Kate interjects"What are you two whispering about?" Kate interjects.
I flush, and Christian glares at her in a butt-out-of-this-Kavanagh kind of way - even Kate wilts under his stare.
"Just about my trip to Georgia," I say sweetly, hoping to diffuse their mutual hostility.
Kate smiles, a wicked gleam in her eye.
"How was Jose when you went to the bar with him on Friday?" Holy fuck, Kate. I widen my eyes at her. What is she doing? She widens her eyes back at me, and I realize she's trying to make Christian jealous.How little she knows. I thought I'd got away with this.
"He was fine," I murmur.
Christian leans over.
"Palm-twitchingly mad," he whispers. "Especially now." His tone is quiet and deadly.

Kate... you've shown concern for Ana's safety with Christian.  Why in the ever-living-FUCK would you goade the man?  If you have a friend in an abusive relationship, don't chide the mother fucker.  Your friend will either end up with a black eye or someone is going to be ID-ing a body.  But let's not linger because here comes another evil blonde.

Grace reappears carrying two plates, followed by a pretty young woman with blonde pigtails, dressed smartly in pale blue, carrying a tray of plates. Her eyes immediately find Christian in the room. She blushes and gazes at him from under long mascara'd lashes.
What!

Yeah, what a hoe, being blonde and having long lashes.  

But let's not focus on Christian's anger... oh wait...

My mind is working furiously. Damn Kate, what game is she playing? Will he punish me? I quail at the thought. I haven't signed that contract yet. Perhaps I won't. Perhaps I'll stay in Georgia where he can't reach me.

Except he'll probably track you down and murder you.  Because I'm pretty sure he's capable of doing that.

Wait... another blonde...

As we finish our starters, Gretchen appears, and not for the first time, I wish I felt able to put my hands freely on Christian just to let her know - he may be fifty shades of fucked-up, but he's mine. She proceeds to clear the table, brushing rather too closely to Christian for my liking. Fortunately, he seems oblivious to her, but my inner goddess is smoldering and not in a good way.

He may be some abusive pseudo boyfriend, but he's hot  he's hers.  All that matters.  

How many fucking times have I heard: "I can't leave him, he's my only chance/baby daddy/sooo hot/he has money."

ANYWAY, dinner is served and Christian tries to finger bang her underneath the table. After dinner, Christian offers Ana a tour of the grounds and when they leave he throws her over her shoulder, smacks her ass.

Ana is wondering what she did this time... was it Georgia? Seeing Jose? Biting her lip?  Who the hell knows and Christian probably doesn't fucking care because at this point I don't think he's being a responsible dominant.  I hate being around people who get irrationally angry about anything - pisses me off to no end.

He's taking her to the boat house so he can spank her and then fuck her.

But if Jason popped out and killed them both, I'd be satisfied with that ending.  But that's not how it ends... and it makes my heart hurt a little bit.



Oh thank God I'm done with this chapter, I just could not get into it... how people fangirl over the whole series is above my head.

Blondes Are The Superior Race, Duh.

Apparently E.L. James hates blondes... like really  hates them.

Dr. Greene is tall, blond, and immaculate, dressed in a royal blue suit. I'm reminded of the women who work in Christian's office. She's like an identikit model - another Stepford blond.

Can I just say that I hate, really hate, being told I'm something or judged based on my hair color?  Something I have no control over, no really, natural blonde over here.  So I get to apologize for two things: being blonde and having a vagina.  Thanks society.

And thank you E.L. James for adding to that stereotype.  You suck.

We shake hands, and I know she's one of those women who doesn't tolerate fools gladly. Like Kate. I like her immediately.

Wait... does Ana like Kate or is she calling Kate a fool?  Who the hell knows? Grammar doesn't exist in this book, ever.

I love her no-nonsense attitude - she has lectured me until she's as blue as her dress about taking it at the same time every day. And I can tell she's burning with curiosity about my so-called relationship with Mr. Grey.

Yep. She's totally NOT curious as to how you've gone this long in life without going to see a gyno.  My OBGYN has never ever taken an interest in my relationships, ever.  It gets about as far as "How many sexual partners since the last visit?"  Sometimes I screw with him and say that I lose count, just for giggles.

And while we're here, during Ana's pap smear - what doctor comes to someones house for a PAP SMEAR?  I'd just like to point out that Christian has made it a life commitment to have the freakiest sex possible, so WHO KNOWS what bodily fluids are floating about...  Just. Ick.  Maybe if it was in MY home, sure.. I just find this weird.  And this is coming from someone who wants to have a home birth one day...

They finally get done and go down to find Christian, when the doctor responds, out of no where:

 "Yes, Mr. Grey. Look after her; she's a beautiful, bright young woman." Christian is taken aback - as am I. What an inappropriate thing for a doctor to say.

I guess Ana has spectacular vagina, because how the doctor came to those assumptions, I have no idea.  My doctor gets onto me if I'm 2 months late for my pap - here's Ana, never having one and she's suddenly bright?  Was it the most amazing vagina ever?  Does it talk? 



Oh, right, E.L. James is throwing this in so we have to believe it because she made it so.  So it is written, so it is done.

This is how cults start.
Just sayin'
Have you seen Twilight Fans?

After the good doctor leaves Ana, jokingly, tells Christian no sex for a month.

He narrows his eyes, and I immediately stop laughing. In fact, he looks rather forbidding. Oh shit. My subconscious quails in the corner as all the blood drains from my face, and I imagine him putting me across his knee again.
"Gotcha!" he says and smirks.

Oh he's the charmer, isn't he.  JUST the kind of man I want my daughter to bring home.  I love how it's JUST so hilarious that he finds it funny that he makes her uncomfortable with threatened acts of physical violence

.
Christian decides that Ana needs to eat so he gets out a salad and some wine, because in a split dimension he's Jimmy Buffet and it's 5 o'clock somewhere.


Over lunch and booze, Christian asks Ana what kind of birth control she opted for (I'm actually surprised he gave her a choice) and when she tells him the pill, he's not exactly thrilled.  Dude, you're trying to control every aspect of you life, why didn't you just pay for the doc to put an IUD in or the Nexplanon or something?  NOT give her a choice; now she's made a choice and you're not happy. Fantastic.

Look, if you're THAT worried about having a kid - not that I blame you considering your sexual addictions and money could pose for a baby - wrap. it. up.

He then moves onto the contract... which still hasn't been signed.  Which is also something I don't get, a lot of people have been like "Well, there's a contract so it's okay."  Um, excuse me, but when the fuck does this thing get signed? Probably never... because then it couldn't be a lurve story.  And since when do contracts or anything of that matter to people?  People sign marriage licenses and still fuck up their marriages, despite being legally bound to a person.  So, whatever.

ANYWAY, Christian asks Ana if she's sure she wants to do this, she points out no contract has been signed and he says, "I've been breaking a lot of rules lately."

What he means is: "That's okay, I really don't need one, it's just to stroke my ginormous ego.  Have you seen my helicopter, because I have one.  So you don't really need to sign it, it's to give you a false sense of security that you really don't have.  Also, I have a helicopter."

"Are you going to hit me?"
"Yes, but it won't be to hurt you. I don't want to punish you right now. If you'd caught me yesterday evening, well, that would have been a different story." Holy cow. He wants to hurt me... how do I deal with this? I can't hide the horror on my face.
"Don't let anyone try and convince you otherwise, Anastasia. One of the reasons people like me do this is because we either like to give or receive pain. It's very simple. You don't, so I spent a great deal of time yesterday thinking about that." He pulls me against him, and his erection presses into my belly. I should run, but I can't. I'm drawn to him on some deep, elemental level, that I can't begin to understand.



Also, Christian you dumb fuck, some people aren't into BDSM for the pain.  Some people just like being tied up and being told what to do.  Broad judgements this book makes.

So, even though Christian hasn't decided one way or the other about inflicting pain on her, he takes her to his play room. Because they. must. fuck. right. now.

We have an encounter with BDSM, and I'm not gonna knock it, even when he says "You're here for my enjoyment"  Because now they're in the bedroom... in a BDSM experience.  This is pretty standard.  I'm still not exactly jumping up and down because Ana has been manipulated and twisted into this arrangement and is doing these things to keep a man and disregarding her pleasure and needs because she has such a shallow view of sex, of course it's only about the man and his ability to orgasm.

But I'm nit-picking.

So I'm assuming this is the raunchy sex people are going ga-ga over?

-yawn-

Apparently it's not hard to get published.  No. Really. It's Not.

Dear Publishers:


There's this one line in their BDSM encounter that had me asking, "HOW IS THAT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE."

The riding crop on her clit?  No. Possible.

It was this:  I'm leaning against his chest, my eyes are closed, and he's wrapped around me - arms and legs - and I feel... safe, and oh so comfortable. Will he let me sleep, perchance to dream?

Now she's still tied to the wall at the point... by her hands and feet... so is he, like... hanging on like a monkey?

All I could think of was Peepers from the SNL skits at this point:

Hope I'm not ruining your love fest over there.

And, not to be a downer, but Ana... dearest... "Will he let me sleep, perchance to dream." is about someone dying.  But maybe your subconscious is letting on that Christian is a murderer.  If you didn't know this line is from Hamlet from Shakespear and it's about trying to determine if you should kill yourself or take your chances at your uncle/dad taking a chance at sending you to swim with the fishies.

Brit Lit. Freshman Year of College.  You're welcome.

If thou couldst rideth me with a shlong; I would be indebted forever more. 

They screw some more, he dresses her like she's a child...

And he takes her to her room, but crawls into bed with her... because she's healing him with her love or something like that.

And there's chapter 18.

I'm Not Sorry

Slut shaming at it's finest.

I've counted 4 e-mails I've gotten today from "anonymous" people over the fact I'm a female and I talk so openly about sex and about this godforsaken book.

That I'm a whore.
That I'm a skank, homewrecking cunt.
I must have gang banged a lot to know so much about sex.

These e-mails, these were in my inbox.
From people who read this blog and are all
"IT'S A WOMAN WITH AN OPINION!!!"

For starters:
Even if any of the above was true, it's none of your fucking business.

I'm not even going to defend those statements because, so what?
So what if I have?
Does it matter?
Is my virtue and value deemed on some point system based on the access of my vagina?

Or would it be different if I were a man and saying all these things?
Of course it would.
Why?
Because men get high-fives for landing someone in the sack.
Girls get walks of shame.

In the words of Madonna,
I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me.

And yes, suzyq,

I swear like a fucking lady.
Thanks for asking.

My muse is a fickle bitch, with a very short attention span!

The title of this quote is by Sander Cohen from Bioshock... it's a game.  A good game too if you're into gaming, I highly recommend it.

In this game is a "quest" where he likens you to a moth... and he's all I could think about with the opening of this next chapter in "50 Shades of Abandonment Issues."

Ana has a dream she's a moth and she's burning to death, seriously.

This is of course because she's pining after something that will ultimately kill her, but the difference between her and a moth is that she has reasoning skills - but by this point in the book, it's obvious she doesn't use them.



She wakes up and she's "draped" in Christian Grey.  Seriously, dude's got her in her a "I fear abandonment so I'm going to wrap every appendage around you" death grip around her.

Fuck that noise! This is why we own a king size bed, so we don't have to touch unless we want too - it's really come in handy since my side has become a pillow fort of sorts to accommodate my growing belly.

Ana's gonna try to touch him again....


Christian immediately wakes up.  Don't ever try to steal from this man...

He's upset that he's entwined around her (King of Compliments over here, he is) and he's all "even in my sleep I'm drawn to you."  Reality check: It's morning wood.

But homeboy has meetings this morning so he just rolls out of bed and puts on his jacket to head to Portland..... that disheveled look will win over your investors, I'm sure.  He tells Ana he'll e-mail her a time for them to meet Sunday. Excuse me, why can't they just text? Seriously? I can't remember the last time I e-mailed anyone anything when it wasn't related to work.

When he leaves Ana gets smug (an emotion I haven't seen from her yet! HOLY COW! TWO EMOTIONS! Smug AND angst)

Oh my, Christian Grey spent the night with me, and I feel rested. And there was no sex, only cuddling. He told me he never slept with anyone - but he's slept three times with me.

And every woman everywhere got giddy. Excuse me while I still seem skeptical.  The first time they "slept" together was when she was passed out drunk and unconscious, so for his sake and hers, he shouldn't have been in the bed with her in the first place.  The second time, she had just lost her virginity to him, so all things considered, it's the very least he could have done; that's an unwritten rule even if you lose your virginity in a one night stand, you at least let them sleep over.  And this time she was sobbing uncontrollably before he came back to sleep with you, because simply asking wasn't good enough.  If this is what I'm supposed to be swooning over, I'll pass.

So since she's all giggles and rainbows over their blossoming relationship, she decides to write him an e-mail - since actually having conversations in a relationship isn't necessary anymore.

You wanted to know why I felt confused after you - which euphemism should we apply - spanked, punished, beat, assaulted me. Well during the whole alarming process I felt demeaned, debased and abused. And much to my mortification, you're right, I was aroused, and that was unexpected. As you are well aware, all things sexual are new to me - I only wish I was more experienced and therefore more prepared. I was shocked to feel aroused.

She's still using pretty loaded language to describe her BDSM experience and declaring some negative emotions about it.  In a mutually understanding BDSM relationship, it seems to me, that both partners (even upon "feeling humiliated" because that's a thing) feel fulfilled and content - it meets both needs.

I was happy that you were happy. I felt relieved that it wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. And when I was lying in your arms, I felt sated. But I feel very uncomfortable, guilty even, feeling that way.

 Being happy that someone else is happy because you did something you found unpleasant isn't the same thing as taking genuine happiness away from the experience. Discomfort and guilt aren't the milestones of fulfillment.

Christian follows up her e-mail with his own:

So you felt demeaned, abused & assaulted - how very Tess Durbeyfield of you. I believe it was you who decided on the debasement if I remember correctly. Do you really feel like this or do you think you ought to feel like this? Two very different things. If that is how you feel, do you think you could just try and embrace these feelings, deal with them, for me? That's what a submissive would do. I am grateful for your inexperience. I value it, and I'm only beginning to understand what it means. Simply put... it means that you are mine in every way. 

ACK ACK ACK ACK!!!
My reaction to the above e-mail from Christian

 

What is this horse shit?!?!?!  Let me TL;DR this e-mail "I didn't make you feel bad, you made yourself feel bad (like, I didn't rape you, you were asking for it...); so you better fix your emotions to make me happy; the other women did it."

What the hell?!  Someone, seriously, please someone explain to me why this is a man you would want.  Someone.  Anyone.

He doesn't want her to "waste your energy on guilt, feelings of wrongdoing etc." Of course he doesn't. If she did, she might realize that he's the one who should feel guilty, because while he states that they're consenting adults, he obtained her "consent" through dubious means. If she examined their relationship, even a little bit, she might realize this. She emails back that she will try to embrace her feelings of shame, and says that if she wanted out, she'd have run to Alaska by now. Then he emails her back, lines upon lines of totally not creepy stuff:

For the record - you stood beside me knowing what I was going to do.
You didn't at any time ask me to stop - you didn't use either safe word.
You are an adult - you have choices.
Quite frankly, I'm looking forward to the next time my palm is ringing with pain.
You're obviously not listening to the right part of your body.
Alaska is very cold and no place to run. I would find you.
I can track your cell phone - remember.

Fuck you Christian.

While at work, Christian sends Ana a Blackberry, because she responds easier via technology.  E.L. James musta written this a few years ago, everyone knows that everyone (except me, because I'm lame) has an iPhone.

Christian has already sent her an e-mail (of course) and he's basically all "Because I need to get in touch with you at any point, I got you a blackberry, and since I got it and thus am paying for it, you are obligated to answer me." AMIRITE?!

Hey Ana, ever notice that every single one of the gifts he gets you fulfills a need for him and not you. But then again, this whole book is about satiating a man's needs, so whatever, forget your needs/wants/desires.

Anyway, Ana hates the gift and whips out that blackberry to bitch at him about it.  Um, no.  Homegirl, didn't even know how to work the internet at 21 and being a college graduate.  You expect me to believe she can just whip out that thing and it magically work?  No.

Next we get to play the game, one of these things is not like the other.  Ana's employers give her a check of $300 as a graduation/fare-thee-well gift.  And she accepts it generously because of their generosity.

Let's go back to how she reacts when Christian gives her a gift.  Now back to her boss.  Why can she accept a gift that's generously given to her and not one that's being forced on her to fulfill a certain walking erections needs?  Because she knows one gift comes without strings.  But let's not read too much into this... it'll take away from this glorious love story.

THIS will be the best love story of all time.
Hands down.
Don't argue.

When Ana gets home to a still disapproving-of-Christian Kate; but before packing she's got to check her e-mail.  Oh my god, the fact that everything revolves around Christian and his needs is really beginning to grate my nerves.  Ladies, it is okay to have interests,hobbies and even go off and do things without your significant other; your life need not revolve around him at all times.  Christian has in fact e-mailed her and has said she needs to be at his house at 1:30 to meet with his gynecologist. -giggle-

Taylor the bodyguard shows up for Ana's Beetle, Wanda and tells Ana that Christian really is a good guy (um. no) Which Ana doesn't believe.  This bodes well...

Jose shows up.  Ana has forgotten about the forced kiss because time heals all wounds... even though it wasn't a kiss, but whatever.  He has booze.

This line in the book struck me funny:

Well, it's been swept under the rug that my inner goddess is lying on, eating grapes and tapping her fingers, waiting not so patiently for Sunday. There's a knock at the door, and my heart leaps into my throat. Is it?

Is Sunday at the door? Who's Sunday? 

P.S. I hope her inner goddess chokes on a grape.

Alas, it is not Sunday nor Christian, it is Elliot who is here to see Kate.  Que jealousy and hatred towards their normal romance.

Kate answers the door and is nearly knocked off her feet by Elliot. He seizes her in a Hollywood-style clinch that moves quickly into a European art house embrace. Honestly... get a room. Jose and I stare at each other. I'm appalled at their lack of modesty.

Ana, if I could reach through a book and physically smack you, I would.  Why? Because you are like a pot calling a kettle black.  Sex is not just a thing for you and your one true cock.  NOT TO MENTION that your "boyfriend" tied you to a bed and strolled around half naked to get food.  Also, stop the slut shaming... 

Because Jose and Ana aren't mature enough to deal with two adults kissing, they decide to go down to the bar... considering that Jose got all rapetastic while there the last time, I'm sure this is a good idea.

Luckily nothing transpires (other than the fact that Ana realizes how normal and uncomplicated Jose is... but alas, he's not the fuck storm that is Christian Grey) and when Ana gets home Christian has e-mailed Ana about how he's been trying and trying and trying to get in touch with her. 

Are you still at work or have you packed your phone, BlackBerry and MacBook?
Call me, or I may be forced to call Elliot.Crap... Jose... shit.
I grab my phone. Five missed calls and one voice message. Tentatively, I listen to the message. It's Christian.
'I think you need to learn to manage my expectations. I am not a patient man. If you say you are going to contact me when you finish work, then you should have the decency to do so. Otherwise, I worry, and it's not an emotion I'm familiar with, and I don't tolerate it very well. Call me.'
Double crap. Will he ever give me a break? I scowl at the phone. He is suffocating me. With a deep dread uncurling in my stomach, I scroll down to his number and press dial. My heart is in my mouth as I wait for him to answer. He'd probably like to beat seven shades of shit out of me.

Let's do a run down of what I see that's wrong with this scenario:

Ana is afraid to listen to his voicemail.
Ana is afraid to call him back.
He is blaming her for his emotions when he is perfectly capable of reasoning.

He guilts Ana into calling him.

Ugh. This guy.

Once Ana and Kate get all moved into their new apartment and get pizza.... champagne with a helicopter balloon is tied to it.  I didn't think it was possible for him to make a bottle of champagne about him, but it is.
"Hey, congrats on the move! Here's some champagne to celebrate.  In case you forgot, I HAVE A HELICOPTER!!  A HELICOPTER, I HAVE ONE!"

Wait.... I KNOW WHO HE WAS AS A CHILD!

We eventually get to Sunday... finally... and Ana arrives at Christian all dolled up for her first pap smear.

Upon entering his living room, we're drilled again in our head how hot Christian is (because it's supposed to make us overlook the fact he's a complete and total jack ass).

She wants to get it on, he wants to wait till after the good doctor looks at her plumbing.

His mother has invited her to dinner, but Christian thinks it would be odd.... because Christian inserting himself into every aspect of her life is a-okay.  But having Ana inserted into his? Stranger danger.

When the doctor arrives, Christian tells Ana that he won't be accompanying her - but he pulls her to him and gives her this mind blowing kiss.  Dude, it's just a cervical examination, not the fucking lottery from The Hunger Games.

Here's how it goes when I have my yearly appointment to check out my plumbing.

"Babe, I'm going to the doctor."

"MMKAY!" -continues his gaming experience on the x-box- "Can we order pizza tonight?"

"Only I can get wings."

It's not some lovers lament, it's not some near death experience.  It's a fucking pap smear, and my husband certainly doesn't want to know all about it unless there's a need to.  

Christian, you weird.

Rape

I hate that I even have to write this blog.
I hate that society as fucked up something as BIG as rape to make it feel like the victim is to blame.

I follow and support this project called Project Unbreakable
And it helps raise awareness about what rape really is and how it affects its victims.

It also helps break the myths that rape is only rape if it's a stranger and you've screamed at the top of your lungs no.

I couldn't come up with a way to even convey how it feels to be raped.  The closest I've ever actually come is sexual harassment.

I closed my last blog with something along the lines of:
"It's easier to delete an e-mail than it is to delete the person crying in front of you."
Or something to that effect...

The following are people, who have been raped, and I made it a point to use the same excuses people use to protect this book.

Have fun sleeping tonight.

Silly As A Lucky Girl (Stupid Girl)

This exists.
For real.

And just when humanity had really let me down, a friend of mine pointed me to the

50 Shades Generator <~~ Click it!

Oh my God. I'm dying.
Thank you.
Some hope in humanity has been restored.

~~

Onto the next chapter... all downhill from here I guess.

We left them off with them doing the dirty.
The horizontal tango.
"Doing it like animals"

GETTIN' HORNY NOW!

And afterwards Ana basks in the aura that is Christian Grey.
"You smell pretty..."
Then she moves to touch him...

As if I haven't ruined enough of my childhood.
Here's Abu.

TOUCHING IS FORBIDDEN, YO!!!!
NO TOUCHY TOUCHY!!!

Ana was that kid in school when the teacher told her not to do something, she would go out of her way to do it.  Just for spite.  I hated those kids.

Christian says he doesn't like to be touched because he's "Fifty Shades of Fucked Up."

Honestly, that would have been a more appropriate title for this book.  Because it is.

It's even more fucked up that minutes post coital he declares this.
That's romantic.

Dude, at least put your penis away first.
Sheesh, manners.
How rude...

Que next creeper syndrome:
He's been keeping track of her orgasms.

And when she lets on that she had one in her sleep (remember, she can't have any without his consent) he's okay with it.  Because it was him in her dream that gave her one.

I'm doing this has hard as I can.

So now it’s time to get up, because no way Christian’s sleeping with her, and he throws his condom on the floor.  

That’s gross, yo.   Christian was totally that guy that not only whined a whole lot about things not being fair, when he was little.  He was also the guy that didn’t know how to do laundry, clean, cook, or take care of himself without his mommy around. 

Yuck.
Seriously dude, PICK UP YOUR CONDOM.
Damn.

He then asks her when she’s gonna get on birth control, because he hates wearing condoms.  Another stereotype I hate, the whole “Well you have a vagina, YOU DEAL WITH IT.”  I’m fine taking birth control, but the guy I’m with is gonna help pay for it.  You wanna enjoy my goods? Pay the toll, mother fucker!  And if I’m not on B.C. or I’m on antibiotics (NOTE: YOU CAN GET PREGNANT ON B.C. BECAUSE OF ANTIBIOTIOCS!) you better wrap it up. And don’t whine.  Awww… you don’t like the way it feels?  Tough shit.  I hate the weight gain, mood swings, and nausea associated with the pill – grow a pair. And if this is a one night stand, you better wrap it up anyway, B.C. does not stop STD's.  The fact more men don't know this astounds me.  Would you rather have a kid or AIDS? Pick one.

But Ana reveals she’s never been to the gynecologist...   WOW!  Two stereotypes in one paragraph, E.L. James is on a roll.  Let me just clarify something here, it’s probably a good idea to go to a gynecologist even if you’re not sexually active.  Why?  Because sometimes our lady parts don’t want to work right or there could be an issue.  Just because you’re not having jollies with a guy/girl is not an excuse to not take responsibility for your personal health.  So if you’re 21 and have never been, get your ass to one. 

So Christian hooks her up with his doctor.

I giggled a lot here.

Because nothing is more romantic than seeing your boyfriends gynecologist.  

If you don’t understand why I’m laughing, you’re probably that poor naïve gal who’s never been to one; or you were too busy swooning over him setting her up an appointment with his doctor and didn’t catch it.  I won’t hold it against you, but I will ask who your beau’s gynecologist is.  Always open to recommendations.

If men had periods, they would brag about the size of their tampons. 

Time for Christian to leave!
Of course Ana wishes he would stay... because feeling only used for sex isn't a fun feeling.
Let me clarify, one night stands happen and can work if both people are aware of each others intentions.
Let me also clarify, no middle ground has been reached in Ana's relationship with Christian.  It's all his way, which is basically sex, and she's pining away for him to be her boyfriend.
Are we clear?
Good.

So she at least offers to drive him home, but he points out that she's had a lot to drink.

"Did you get me tipsy on purpose?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because you over-think everything, and you're reticent like your stepdad. A drop of wine in you and you start talking, and I need you to communicate honestly with me. Otherwise you clam up, and I have no idea what you're thinking. In vino veritas, Anastasia."

Well, that's a GREAT rationalization for getting someone drunk. So they'll do what you say.  Perfect.

So Ana at least wants another tryst.  But Christian isn't down with that as she has papers she needs to sign and he's already test driven this car enough.

Ana seizes on that whole, "we won't do BDSM until you sign the contract" thing, and suggests that she could eek out a normal relationship with him while he waits for her to sign. Christian advises her that waiting might be a bad idea.

"Could get really ugly."
His grin is infectious.
"Ugly, how?"
"Oh you know, explosions, car chases, kidnapping, incarceration."
"You'd kidnap me?"
"Oh yes," he grins.
"Hold me against my will?" Jeez this is hot.

NO IT IS NOT. Here's why it's not hot. Even though the author is striving for a playful tone, it doesn't work when the hero has already exhibited threatening behavior in a way that has truly frightened her. This is not some cute little exchange, because Christian has already stalked and intimidated Ana. He has threatened to rape her, he's locked her into a room with him. He took her from a bar when she was passed out, and brought her to another city that is hours away from her home. He has proven several times that he has the money and the power to exert his will over her, making this conversation so completely not funny, and totally not hot. He's telling her that she no longer has the option of consent in this relationship, she's either going to sign the contract and do things his way, or he's going to force her. The only way it would be funny or hot is if we did not already know he would be perfectly capable of doing exactly these things.

Goddamn, I hate that I even have to write. this. shit. out.

I get a lot of, "This isn't rape culture, it's not rape, it's not that at all."

I blame society for this because women are programmed that rape is only rape if it's a stranger, you feel physically threatened and if it happens in a dark alley way.  And even THEN we're programmed to only wear certain clothes, to not go out late, to never put down our drinks, etc. It's about victim blaming, "Well she obviously wanted it, maybe if she didn't wear a mini skirt, if she didn't drink too much, but it's her husband it can't be rape..."

How about teaching men to not fucking rape.  That'd be a great place to start.  Because last I checked, rape existed before mini skirts;  so society and people who are all "BUT HE LOVES HER SO THIS CAN'T BE RAPE" can kiss my big toe.

Damn. Seriously. I'm so full of of rage right now.

I'm gonna have to do a whole other blog post on this, because this mindset has got to stop.

ANYWAY.

Ana rolls her eyes at him (thank God she didn't bite her lip...)

"I told you what I'd do. I'm a man of my word. I'm going to spank you, and then I'm going to fuck you very quick and very hard. Looks like we'll need that condom after all." His voice is so soft, menacing, and it's damned hot. My insides practically contort with potent, needy, liquid, desire. He gazes at me, waiting, eyes blazing. Tentatively, I uncurl my legs. Should I run? This is it, our relationship hangs in the balance, right here, right now. Do I let him do this or do I say no, and that's it? Because I know it will be over if I say no. Do it! My inner goddess pleads with me, my subconscious is as paralyzed as I am. "I'm waiting," he says. "I'm not a patient man." Oh for the love of all that's holy. I'm panting, afraid, turned on. Blood pounding through my body, my legs are like jelly. Slowly, I crawl over to him until I am beside him.

Is it just me or is she just doing this BDSM thing to keep him around? I know, I know; I can't possibly understand this because I'm sexually frustrated (lol o rlly?), or I'm not getting any sex, or something like that; therefore it's hard for me to enjoy reading about a woman who sexually compromises herself just to keep a man interested. 

The scene plays out pretty much how you're thinking it does. He spanks her, it hurts like hell, and she wants to ask him to stop, but she doesn't because she doesn't "want to give him the satisfaction." Then he jams two fingers up her and says it's obvious that her body loves being spanked, because she's wet. Dude....you did just have sex like, two minutes ago, it's not like it's the sahara desert up in our hoo-haa's. Then he fucks her face down on the bed (it's like crouching kitten, doggy style), and she thinks how awesome it is that she "survived" her first BDSM encounter.

"Well done, baby," he whispers, quiet joy in his voice. His words curl around me like a soft fluffy towel from the Heathman Hotel, and I'm so pleased that he's happy.

Are you happy, Ana? Oh, shit, that's right, that doesn't matter. Because this book is all about the fantasy of pleasing a man, not being pleased, yourself. Ana has a difficult time reconciling the way she feels post-spank-sex and the way she feels about the whole BDSM thing. She also slut-shames herself a little while Christian rubs baby oil into her butt. Then, he has to leave, because his man-servant has been waiting in the car this whole time.

Again. I'm gonna have to do a blog on rape culture and why this book is bad news.

You know, after my husband and I have sex, I generally feel pretty good.  Weekend morning sex is the best because Ihop follows.  And you know what's awesome? Sex.  You know what makes it even more awesome? When pancakes follow.  HELL YES.  But even if it's not Weekend morning Ihop sex, I enjoy sex with my husband.  It leaves me feeling happy, content, pleased, and satisfied.  I can either go to sleep peacefully snuggled up to him, or go about my day feeling like I'm on cloud nine.

Does Ana have this experience?

Of course not.

I close the door and stand helpless in the living room of an apartment that I shall only spend another two nights in. A place I have lived happily for almost four years... yet today, for the first time ever, I feel lonely and uncomfortable here, unhappy with my own company. Have I strayed so far from who I am? I know that lurking, not very far under my rather numb exterior, is a well of tears. What am I doing? The irony is I can't even sit down and enjoy a good cry. I'll have to stand.

Remember that blog I wrote a while back about abuse in relationships?

Ahem:

• You feel uncomfortable about something he has said or done, and the feeling remains
• You feel bad about yourself when you are around him.
• You find yourself accepting him “for now” even though you have plenty of red flags that would help you to terminate the relationship if you paid attention to them

It gets better.  Ana decides to call her mom, and her mom immediately guesses that something is wrong.  This isn't some mothers intuition, Ana is so emotionally distraught that if she had dialed a random stranger they could have picked up on it.

Ana tells her mom that it's about "a man."  And her mother, of course, thinks he's done something to her daughter.

"It's not like that." Although it is... Oh crap. I don't want to worry her. I just want someone else to be strong for me at the moment.

•  You make excuses for his character and minimize his behavior.

"Ana, please, you're worrying me."I take a big breath."I've kind of fallen for this guy, and he's so different from me, and I don't know if we should be together."

•  Your past and his are very different, and the two of you have conflicts over it.
• You tell your friends you are “unsure about the relationship.”

"Oh, darling, I wish I could be with you. I am so sorry I missed your graduation. You've fallen for someone, finally. Oh, honey, men, they are so tricky. They're a different species, honey. How long have you known him?"
Christian is definitely a different species... different planet.

•  You think no one else in his life understands him.

"Oh, nearly three weeks or so.""Ana, darling, that's no time at all. How can you possibly know someone in that kind of time frame? Just take it easy with him and keep him at arm's length until you decide whether he's worthy of you."Wow... it's unnerving when my mother is so insightful, but she's just too late on this.Is he worthy of me? That's an interesting concept I always wonder whether I am worthy of him.

• You sense he is pushing too quickly for an emotional connection with you.

"Honey, you sound so unhappy. Come home - visit with us. I miss you, darling. Bob would love to see you too. You can get some distance and maybe some perspective. You need a break. You've been working so hard."Oh boy, is this tempting. Run away to Georgia. Grab some sunshine, some cocktails.

•  You wish he would go away, you want to cry, and you want to run away from him.

Ana can't go, because she has job interviews, but she promises she'll think about visiting. Then, Kate comes home, sees that Ana has been crying, and tells her to dump Christian.

The world of Katherine Kavanagh is very clear, very black and white. Not the intangible, mysterious, vague hues of gray that color my world. Welcome to my world.

Know how I know this is a story of abuse?  Let me break this down for you, in small words.

First, I am separating their relationship from the BDSM in the bedroom.  This has nothing to do with BDSM as a whole.  This has to do with how Christian treats Ana and how Ana reacts to said behavior.

Ana thinks that no one will ever understand the unique, fragile snowflake that is Christian Grey and the unique, fragile relationship you have with him.

Kate asks why Ana is hurt and Ana lies to Kate saying she fell down.  How many times have I heard, "I ran into a door"? when it's obvious that a friend of mine was punched.

Yes. Ana "consented" but that consent came from forced manipulation.  Like every sexual encounter in this book, so if you want to say it's not rape, fine.  Then it's totally fine if an adult gets the consent from a child to have sex with them.  Because as far as you're concerned consent is consent no matter how it's gained.

Again.  fuck society.

When Ana finally gets around to going to bed she checks her e-mail, and there's an e-mail from Christian.  Why am I not surprised?  He's probably also had the house wired with surveillance camera's.

What does he say? That Ana's the most witty, brave, intelligent, etc. woman he's ever met.  What the hell Christian? No she's not.  She hasn't exhibited any of this behavior, at all.  You're saying this so she feels better about herself after that encounter she just had with you. And then he follows it up to not drive her car, because he'll know if she does.  This jerk.  He's probably put some sort of GPS on her car because he "cares" about her.

He tells her Taylor will sell her car for her, and of course they argue over that, and he tells her not to make him angry 'cause he's the hulk, yo. She responds, "Yeah, well I don't like you because you won't spend the night with me."


Ugh.

When their little e-mail encounter is over with, Ana comes to a stunning realization:
And then this evening, he actually hit me. I've never been hit in my life. What have I gotten myself into? Very slowly, my tears, halted by Kate's arrival, begin to slide down the side of my face and into my ears. I have fallen for someone who's so emotionally shut down, I will only get hurt - deep down I know this - someone who by his own admission is completely fucked up. Why is he so fucked up? It must be awful to be as affected as he is, and the thought that as a toddler he suffered some unbearable cruelty makes me cry harder. Perhaps if he was more normal he wouldn't want you, my subconscious contributes snidely to my musings... and in my heart of hearts I know this is true. I turn into my pillow and the sluice gates open... and for the first time in years, I am sobbing uncontrollably into my pillow.

Regardless what Christian's intentions were with the spanking, she is clearly saying and believing that he beat her.

But what do most readers care?  Apparently rape is totally okay as long as the guys intentions wasn't rape.  Doesn't matter about the victim anyway.  So I won't even try to persuade you.

Christian shows up, to an angry Kate who's all "All she ever does is cry since you came around..."

And Christian is having none of that, and heads to Ana anyway.  If I were Kate, I would have shot him.  Dead. On the spot. Seriously, I own guns.

Mr. Chivalrous explain that he came back to watch after Ana and "her needs" (read: covering his ass, but whatev's) He gives her some advil... GREAT idea considering all the booze in her body.  Are you sure it's a not a roofie?

I stare down at my hands. What can I say that I haven't said already. I want more. I want him to stay because he wants to stay with me, not because I'm a blubbering mess, and I don't want him to beat me, is that so unreasonable?

Just wanted to highlight that she's still saying "beat."

Now this whole fucking time Christian is like "I need to know what you're thinking, and how you're feeling, and blah, blah, blah, BLAH."  So does he say "okay, obviously this was too much.  I'm so sorry"?  NOPE.

"I like the control it brings me, Anastasia. I want you to behave in a particular way, and if you don't, I shall punish you, and you will learn to behave the way I desire. I enjoy punishing you. I've watned to spank you since you asked me if I was gay." I flush at the memory. Jeez, I wanted to spank myself after that question. So Katherine Kavanagh is responsible for all this, and if she'd gone to that interview and asked her gay question, she'd be sitting here with the sore ass. I don't like that though. How confusing is this?

I can't even convey in the English language the amount of anger and hostility I felt after reading this.  So, instead of focusing on the homophobia, the markers of an abusive personality, the continuing Kate-blame and jealousy, I'm going to just gonna move forward and hope and pray to something that you're intelligent enough to see through this bull shit.

It can't get any worse from here...

"So you don't like the way I am."
He stares at me, bewildered again.
"I think you're lovely the way you are."
"So why are you trying to change me?"
"I don't want to change you. I'd like you to be courteous and to follow the set of rules I've given you and not defy me. Simple," he says.

I stand corrected. It is possible for my rage to deepen.

After some more emotional manipulation "baby, I'm SO drawn to you..." psh.  Christian tells her that it's probably best she divulge her emotional needs via e-mail.

It's easier to delete an e-mail (read a book, victim blame, slut shame) than it is to deal with the actual person in front of you.