In this game is a "quest" where he likens you to a moth... and he's all I could think about with the opening of this next chapter in "50 Shades of Abandonment Issues."
Ana has a dream she's a moth and she's burning to death, seriously.
This is of course because she's pining after something that will ultimately kill her, but the difference between her and a moth is that she has reasoning skills - but by this point in the book, it's obvious she doesn't use them.
She wakes up and she's "draped" in Christian Grey. Seriously, dude's got her in her a "I fear abandonment so I'm going to wrap every appendage around you" death grip around her.
Fuck that noise! This is why we own a king size bed, so we don't have to touch unless we want too - it's really come in handy since my side has become a pillow fort of sorts to accommodate my growing belly.
Ana's gonna try to touch him again....
Christian immediately wakes up. Don't ever try to steal from this man...
He's upset that he's entwined around her (King of Compliments over here, he is) and he's all "even in my sleep I'm drawn to you." Reality check: It's morning wood.
But homeboy has meetings this morning so he just rolls out of bed and puts on his jacket to head to Portland..... that disheveled look will win over your investors, I'm sure. He tells Ana he'll e-mail her a time for them to meet Sunday. Excuse me, why can't they just text? Seriously? I can't remember the last time I e-mailed anyone anything when it wasn't related to work.
When he leaves Ana gets smug (an emotion I haven't seen from her yet! HOLY COW! TWO EMOTIONS! Smug AND angst)
Oh my, Christian Grey spent the night with me, and I feel rested. And there was no sex, only cuddling. He told me he never slept with anyone - but he's slept three times with me.
And every woman everywhere got giddy. Excuse me while I still seem skeptical. The first time they "slept" together was when she was passed out drunk and unconscious, so for his sake and hers, he shouldn't have been in the bed with her in the first place. The second time, she had just lost her virginity to him, so all things considered, it's the very least he could have done; that's an unwritten rule even if you lose your virginity in a one night stand, you at least let them sleep over. And this time she was sobbing uncontrollably before he came back to sleep with you, because simply asking wasn't good enough. If this is what I'm supposed to be swooning over, I'll pass.
So since she's all giggles and rainbows over their blossoming relationship, she decides to write him an e-mail - since actually having conversations in a relationship isn't necessary anymore.
You wanted to know why I felt confused after you - which euphemism should we apply - spanked, punished, beat, assaulted me. Well during the whole alarming process I felt demeaned, debased and abused. And much to my mortification, you're right, I was aroused, and that was unexpected. As you are well aware, all things sexual are new to me - I only wish I was more experienced and therefore more prepared. I was shocked to feel aroused.
She's still using pretty loaded language to describe her BDSM experience and declaring some negative emotions about it. In a mutually understanding BDSM relationship, it seems to me, that both partners (even upon "feeling humiliated" because that's a thing) feel fulfilled and content - it meets both needs.
I was happy that you were happy. I felt relieved that it wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. And when I was lying in your arms, I felt sated. But I feel very uncomfortable, guilty even, feeling that way.
Being happy that someone else is happy because you did something you found unpleasant isn't the same thing as taking genuine happiness away from the experience. Discomfort and guilt aren't the milestones of fulfillment.
Christian follows up her e-mail with his own:
So you felt demeaned, abused & assaulted - how very Tess Durbeyfield of you. I believe it was you who decided on the debasement if I remember correctly. Do you really feel like this or do you think you ought to feel like this? Two very different things. If that is how you feel, do you think you could just try and embrace these feelings, deal with them, for me? That's what a submissive would do. I am grateful for your inexperience. I value it, and I'm only beginning to understand what it means. Simply put... it means that you are mine in every way.
 |
| ACK ACK ACK ACK!!! My reaction to the above e-mail from Christian |
What is this horse shit?!?!?! Let me TL;DR this e-mail "I didn't make you feel bad, you made yourself feel bad (like, I didn't rape you, you were asking for it...); so you better fix your emotions to make me happy; the other women did it."
What the hell?! Someone, seriously, please someone explain to me why this is a man you would want. Someone. Anyone.
He doesn't want her to "waste your energy on guilt, feelings of wrongdoing etc." Of course he doesn't. If she did, she might realize that he's the one who should feel guilty, because while he states that they're consenting adults, he obtained her "consent" through dubious means. If she examined their relationship, even a little bit, she might realize this. She emails back that she will try to embrace her feelings of shame, and says that if she wanted out, she'd have run to Alaska by now. Then he emails her back, lines upon lines of totally not creepy stuff:
For the record - you stood beside me knowing what I was going to do.
You didn't at any time ask me to stop - you didn't use either safe word.
You are an adult - you have choices.
Quite frankly, I'm looking forward to the next time my palm is ringing with pain.
You're obviously not listening to the right part of your body.
Alaska is very cold and no place to run. I would find you.
I can track your cell phone - remember.
Fuck you Christian.
While at work, Christian sends Ana a Blackberry, because she responds easier via technology. E.L. James musta written this a few years ago, everyone knows that everyone (except me, because I'm lame) has an iPhone.
Christian has already sent her an e-mail (of course) and he's basically all "Because I need to get in touch with you at any point, I got you a blackberry, and since I got it and thus am paying for it, you are obligated to answer me." AMIRITE?!
Hey Ana, ever notice that every single one of the gifts he gets you fulfills a need for him and not you. But then again, this whole book is about satiating a man's needs, so whatever, forget your needs/wants/desires.
Anyway, Ana hates the gift and whips out that blackberry to bitch at him about it. Um, no. Homegirl, didn't even know how to work the internet at 21 and being a college graduate. You expect me to believe she can just whip out that thing and it magically work? No.
Next we get to play the game, one of these things is not like the other. Ana's employers give her a check of $300 as a graduation/fare-thee-well gift. And she accepts it generously because of their generosity.
Let's go back to how she reacts when Christian gives her a gift. Now back to her boss. Why can she accept a gift that's generously given to her and not one that's being forced on her to fulfill a certain walking erections needs? Because she knows one gift comes without strings. But let's not read too much into this... it'll take away from this glorious love story.
Anyway, Ana hates the gift and whips out that blackberry to bitch at him about it. Um, no. Homegirl, didn't even know how to work the internet at 21 and being a college graduate. You expect me to believe she can just whip out that thing and it magically work? No.
Next we get to play the game, one of these things is not like the other. Ana's employers give her a check of $300 as a graduation/fare-thee-well gift. And she accepts it generously because of their generosity.
Let's go back to how she reacts when Christian gives her a gift. Now back to her boss. Why can she accept a gift that's generously given to her and not one that's being forced on her to fulfill a certain walking erections needs? Because she knows one gift comes without strings. But let's not read too much into this... it'll take away from this glorious love story.
| THIS will be the best love story of all time. Hands down. Don't argue. |
When Ana gets home to a still disapproving-of-Christian Kate; but before packing she's got to check her e-mail. Oh my god, the fact that everything revolves around Christian and his needs is really beginning to grate my nerves. Ladies, it is okay to have interests,hobbies and even go off and do things without your significant other; your life need not revolve around him at all times. Christian has in fact e-mailed her and has said she needs to be at his house at 1:30 to meet with his gynecologist. -giggle-
Taylor the bodyguard shows up for Ana's Beetle, Wanda and tells Ana that Christian really is a good guy (um. no) Which Ana doesn't believe. This bodes well...
Jose shows up. Ana has forgotten about the forced kiss because time heals all wounds... even though it wasn't a kiss, but whatever. He has booze.
This line in the book struck me funny:
This line in the book struck me funny:
Well, it's been swept under the rug that my inner goddess is lying on, eating grapes and tapping her fingers, waiting not so patiently for Sunday. There's a knock at the door, and my heart leaps into my throat. Is it?
Is Sunday at the door? Who's Sunday?
P.S. I hope her inner goddess chokes on a grape.
Alas, it is not Sunday nor Christian, it is Elliot who is here to see Kate. Que jealousy and hatred towards their normal romance.
Kate answers the door and is nearly knocked off her feet by Elliot. He seizes her in a Hollywood-style clinch that moves quickly into a European art house embrace. Honestly... get a room. Jose and I stare at each other. I'm appalled at their lack of modesty.
Ana, if I could reach through a book and physically smack you, I would. Why? Because you are like a pot calling a kettle black. Sex is not just a thing for you and your one true cock. NOT TO MENTION that your "boyfriend" tied you to a bed and strolled around half naked to get food. Also, stop the slut shaming...
Because Jose and Ana aren't mature enough to deal with two adults kissing, they decide to go down to the bar... considering that Jose got all rapetastic while there the last time, I'm sure this is a good idea.
Luckily nothing transpires (other than the fact that Ana realizes how normal and uncomplicated Jose is... but alas, he's not the fuck storm that is Christian Grey) and when Ana gets home Christian has e-mailed Ana about how he's been trying and trying and trying to get in touch with her.
Are you still at work or have you packed your phone, BlackBerry and MacBook?
Call me, or I may be forced to call Elliot.Crap... Jose... shit.
I grab my phone. Five missed calls and one voice message. Tentatively, I listen to the message. It's Christian.
'I think you need to learn to manage my expectations. I am not a patient man. If you say you are going to contact me when you finish work, then you should have the decency to do so. Otherwise, I worry, and it's not an emotion I'm familiar with, and I don't tolerate it very well. Call me.'
Double crap. Will he ever give me a break? I scowl at the phone. He is suffocating me. With a deep dread uncurling in my stomach, I scroll down to his number and press dial. My heart is in my mouth as I wait for him to answer. He'd probably like to beat seven shades of shit out of me.
Call me, or I may be forced to call Elliot.Crap... Jose... shit.
I grab my phone. Five missed calls and one voice message. Tentatively, I listen to the message. It's Christian.
'I think you need to learn to manage my expectations. I am not a patient man. If you say you are going to contact me when you finish work, then you should have the decency to do so. Otherwise, I worry, and it's not an emotion I'm familiar with, and I don't tolerate it very well. Call me.'
Double crap. Will he ever give me a break? I scowl at the phone. He is suffocating me. With a deep dread uncurling in my stomach, I scroll down to his number and press dial. My heart is in my mouth as I wait for him to answer. He'd probably like to beat seven shades of shit out of me.
Let's do a run down of what I see that's wrong with this scenario:
Ana is afraid to listen to his voicemail.
Ana is afraid to call him back.
He is blaming her for his emotions when he is perfectly capable of reasoning.
Ana is afraid to call him back.
He is blaming her for his emotions when he is perfectly capable of reasoning.
He guilts Ana into calling him.
Ugh. This guy.
Once Ana and Kate get all moved into their new apartment and get pizza.... champagne with a helicopter balloon is tied to it. I didn't think it was possible for him to make a bottle of champagne about him, but it is.
"Hey, congrats on the move! Here's some champagne to celebrate. In case you forgot, I HAVE A HELICOPTER!! A HELICOPTER, I HAVE ONE!"
Wait.... I KNOW WHO HE WAS AS A CHILD!
Once Ana and Kate get all moved into their new apartment and get pizza.... champagne with a helicopter balloon is tied to it. I didn't think it was possible for him to make a bottle of champagne about him, but it is.
"Hey, congrats on the move! Here's some champagne to celebrate. In case you forgot, I HAVE A HELICOPTER!! A HELICOPTER, I HAVE ONE!"
Wait.... I KNOW WHO HE WAS AS A CHILD!
We eventually get to Sunday... finally... and Ana arrives at Christian all dolled up for her first pap smear.
Upon entering his living room, we're drilled again in our head how hot Christian is (because it's supposed to make us overlook the fact he's a complete and total jack ass).
She wants to get it on, he wants to wait till after the good doctor looks at her plumbing.
His mother has invited her to dinner, but Christian thinks it would be odd.... because Christian inserting himself into every aspect of her life is a-okay. But having Ana inserted into his? Stranger danger.
His mother has invited her to dinner, but Christian thinks it would be odd.... because Christian inserting himself into every aspect of her life is a-okay. But having Ana inserted into his? Stranger danger.
When the doctor arrives, Christian tells Ana that he won't be accompanying her - but he pulls her to him and gives her this mind blowing kiss. Dude, it's just a cervical examination, not the fucking lottery from The Hunger Games.
Here's how it goes when I have my yearly appointment to check out my plumbing.
"Babe, I'm going to the doctor."
"MMKAY!" -continues his gaming experience on the x-box- "Can we order pizza tonight?"
"Only I can get wings."
Here's how it goes when I have my yearly appointment to check out my plumbing.
"Babe, I'm going to the doctor."
"MMKAY!" -continues his gaming experience on the x-box- "Can we order pizza tonight?"
"Only I can get wings."
It's not some lovers lament, it's not some near death experience. It's a fucking pap smear, and my husband certainly doesn't want to know all about it unless there's a need to.
Christian, you weird.
