Silly As A Lucky Girl (Stupid Girl)

This exists.
For real.

And just when humanity had really let me down, a friend of mine pointed me to the

50 Shades Generator <~~ Click it!

Oh my God. I'm dying.
Thank you.
Some hope in humanity has been restored.

~~

Onto the next chapter... all downhill from here I guess.

We left them off with them doing the dirty.
The horizontal tango.
"Doing it like animals"

GETTIN' HORNY NOW!

And afterwards Ana basks in the aura that is Christian Grey.
"You smell pretty..."
Then she moves to touch him...

As if I haven't ruined enough of my childhood.
Here's Abu.

TOUCHING IS FORBIDDEN, YO!!!!
NO TOUCHY TOUCHY!!!

Ana was that kid in school when the teacher told her not to do something, she would go out of her way to do it.  Just for spite.  I hated those kids.

Christian says he doesn't like to be touched because he's "Fifty Shades of Fucked Up."

Honestly, that would have been a more appropriate title for this book.  Because it is.

It's even more fucked up that minutes post coital he declares this.
That's romantic.

Dude, at least put your penis away first.
Sheesh, manners.
How rude...

Que next creeper syndrome:
He's been keeping track of her orgasms.

And when she lets on that she had one in her sleep (remember, she can't have any without his consent) he's okay with it.  Because it was him in her dream that gave her one.

I'm doing this has hard as I can.

So now it’s time to get up, because no way Christian’s sleeping with her, and he throws his condom on the floor.  

That’s gross, yo.   Christian was totally that guy that not only whined a whole lot about things not being fair, when he was little.  He was also the guy that didn’t know how to do laundry, clean, cook, or take care of himself without his mommy around. 

Yuck.
Seriously dude, PICK UP YOUR CONDOM.
Damn.

He then asks her when she’s gonna get on birth control, because he hates wearing condoms.  Another stereotype I hate, the whole “Well you have a vagina, YOU DEAL WITH IT.”  I’m fine taking birth control, but the guy I’m with is gonna help pay for it.  You wanna enjoy my goods? Pay the toll, mother fucker!  And if I’m not on B.C. or I’m on antibiotics (NOTE: YOU CAN GET PREGNANT ON B.C. BECAUSE OF ANTIBIOTIOCS!) you better wrap it up. And don’t whine.  Awww… you don’t like the way it feels?  Tough shit.  I hate the weight gain, mood swings, and nausea associated with the pill – grow a pair. And if this is a one night stand, you better wrap it up anyway, B.C. does not stop STD's.  The fact more men don't know this astounds me.  Would you rather have a kid or AIDS? Pick one.

But Ana reveals she’s never been to the gynecologist...   WOW!  Two stereotypes in one paragraph, E.L. James is on a roll.  Let me just clarify something here, it’s probably a good idea to go to a gynecologist even if you’re not sexually active.  Why?  Because sometimes our lady parts don’t want to work right or there could be an issue.  Just because you’re not having jollies with a guy/girl is not an excuse to not take responsibility for your personal health.  So if you’re 21 and have never been, get your ass to one. 

So Christian hooks her up with his doctor.

I giggled a lot here.

Because nothing is more romantic than seeing your boyfriends gynecologist.  

If you don’t understand why I’m laughing, you’re probably that poor naïve gal who’s never been to one; or you were too busy swooning over him setting her up an appointment with his doctor and didn’t catch it.  I won’t hold it against you, but I will ask who your beau’s gynecologist is.  Always open to recommendations.

If men had periods, they would brag about the size of their tampons. 

Time for Christian to leave!
Of course Ana wishes he would stay... because feeling only used for sex isn't a fun feeling.
Let me clarify, one night stands happen and can work if both people are aware of each others intentions.
Let me also clarify, no middle ground has been reached in Ana's relationship with Christian.  It's all his way, which is basically sex, and she's pining away for him to be her boyfriend.
Are we clear?
Good.

So she at least offers to drive him home, but he points out that she's had a lot to drink.

"Did you get me tipsy on purpose?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because you over-think everything, and you're reticent like your stepdad. A drop of wine in you and you start talking, and I need you to communicate honestly with me. Otherwise you clam up, and I have no idea what you're thinking. In vino veritas, Anastasia."

Well, that's a GREAT rationalization for getting someone drunk. So they'll do what you say.  Perfect.

So Ana at least wants another tryst.  But Christian isn't down with that as she has papers she needs to sign and he's already test driven this car enough.

Ana seizes on that whole, "we won't do BDSM until you sign the contract" thing, and suggests that she could eek out a normal relationship with him while he waits for her to sign. Christian advises her that waiting might be a bad idea.

"Could get really ugly."
His grin is infectious.
"Ugly, how?"
"Oh you know, explosions, car chases, kidnapping, incarceration."
"You'd kidnap me?"
"Oh yes," he grins.
"Hold me against my will?" Jeez this is hot.

NO IT IS NOT. Here's why it's not hot. Even though the author is striving for a playful tone, it doesn't work when the hero has already exhibited threatening behavior in a way that has truly frightened her. This is not some cute little exchange, because Christian has already stalked and intimidated Ana. He has threatened to rape her, he's locked her into a room with him. He took her from a bar when she was passed out, and brought her to another city that is hours away from her home. He has proven several times that he has the money and the power to exert his will over her, making this conversation so completely not funny, and totally not hot. He's telling her that she no longer has the option of consent in this relationship, she's either going to sign the contract and do things his way, or he's going to force her. The only way it would be funny or hot is if we did not already know he would be perfectly capable of doing exactly these things.

Goddamn, I hate that I even have to write. this. shit. out.

I get a lot of, "This isn't rape culture, it's not rape, it's not that at all."

I blame society for this because women are programmed that rape is only rape if it's a stranger, you feel physically threatened and if it happens in a dark alley way.  And even THEN we're programmed to only wear certain clothes, to not go out late, to never put down our drinks, etc. It's about victim blaming, "Well she obviously wanted it, maybe if she didn't wear a mini skirt, if she didn't drink too much, but it's her husband it can't be rape..."

How about teaching men to not fucking rape.  That'd be a great place to start.  Because last I checked, rape existed before mini skirts;  so society and people who are all "BUT HE LOVES HER SO THIS CAN'T BE RAPE" can kiss my big toe.

Damn. Seriously. I'm so full of of rage right now.

I'm gonna have to do a whole other blog post on this, because this mindset has got to stop.

ANYWAY.

Ana rolls her eyes at him (thank God she didn't bite her lip...)

"I told you what I'd do. I'm a man of my word. I'm going to spank you, and then I'm going to fuck you very quick and very hard. Looks like we'll need that condom after all." His voice is so soft, menacing, and it's damned hot. My insides practically contort with potent, needy, liquid, desire. He gazes at me, waiting, eyes blazing. Tentatively, I uncurl my legs. Should I run? This is it, our relationship hangs in the balance, right here, right now. Do I let him do this or do I say no, and that's it? Because I know it will be over if I say no. Do it! My inner goddess pleads with me, my subconscious is as paralyzed as I am. "I'm waiting," he says. "I'm not a patient man." Oh for the love of all that's holy. I'm panting, afraid, turned on. Blood pounding through my body, my legs are like jelly. Slowly, I crawl over to him until I am beside him.

Is it just me or is she just doing this BDSM thing to keep him around? I know, I know; I can't possibly understand this because I'm sexually frustrated (lol o rlly?), or I'm not getting any sex, or something like that; therefore it's hard for me to enjoy reading about a woman who sexually compromises herself just to keep a man interested. 

The scene plays out pretty much how you're thinking it does. He spanks her, it hurts like hell, and she wants to ask him to stop, but she doesn't because she doesn't "want to give him the satisfaction." Then he jams two fingers up her and says it's obvious that her body loves being spanked, because she's wet. Dude....you did just have sex like, two minutes ago, it's not like it's the sahara desert up in our hoo-haa's. Then he fucks her face down on the bed (it's like crouching kitten, doggy style), and she thinks how awesome it is that she "survived" her first BDSM encounter.

"Well done, baby," he whispers, quiet joy in his voice. His words curl around me like a soft fluffy towel from the Heathman Hotel, and I'm so pleased that he's happy.

Are you happy, Ana? Oh, shit, that's right, that doesn't matter. Because this book is all about the fantasy of pleasing a man, not being pleased, yourself. Ana has a difficult time reconciling the way she feels post-spank-sex and the way she feels about the whole BDSM thing. She also slut-shames herself a little while Christian rubs baby oil into her butt. Then, he has to leave, because his man-servant has been waiting in the car this whole time.

Again. I'm gonna have to do a blog on rape culture and why this book is bad news.

You know, after my husband and I have sex, I generally feel pretty good.  Weekend morning sex is the best because Ihop follows.  And you know what's awesome? Sex.  You know what makes it even more awesome? When pancakes follow.  HELL YES.  But even if it's not Weekend morning Ihop sex, I enjoy sex with my husband.  It leaves me feeling happy, content, pleased, and satisfied.  I can either go to sleep peacefully snuggled up to him, or go about my day feeling like I'm on cloud nine.

Does Ana have this experience?

Of course not.

I close the door and stand helpless in the living room of an apartment that I shall only spend another two nights in. A place I have lived happily for almost four years... yet today, for the first time ever, I feel lonely and uncomfortable here, unhappy with my own company. Have I strayed so far from who I am? I know that lurking, not very far under my rather numb exterior, is a well of tears. What am I doing? The irony is I can't even sit down and enjoy a good cry. I'll have to stand.

Remember that blog I wrote a while back about abuse in relationships?

Ahem:

• You feel uncomfortable about something he has said or done, and the feeling remains
• You feel bad about yourself when you are around him.
• You find yourself accepting him “for now” even though you have plenty of red flags that would help you to terminate the relationship if you paid attention to them

It gets better.  Ana decides to call her mom, and her mom immediately guesses that something is wrong.  This isn't some mothers intuition, Ana is so emotionally distraught that if she had dialed a random stranger they could have picked up on it.

Ana tells her mom that it's about "a man."  And her mother, of course, thinks he's done something to her daughter.

"It's not like that." Although it is... Oh crap. I don't want to worry her. I just want someone else to be strong for me at the moment.

•  You make excuses for his character and minimize his behavior.

"Ana, please, you're worrying me."I take a big breath."I've kind of fallen for this guy, and he's so different from me, and I don't know if we should be together."

•  Your past and his are very different, and the two of you have conflicts over it.
• You tell your friends you are “unsure about the relationship.”

"Oh, darling, I wish I could be with you. I am so sorry I missed your graduation. You've fallen for someone, finally. Oh, honey, men, they are so tricky. They're a different species, honey. How long have you known him?"
Christian is definitely a different species... different planet.

•  You think no one else in his life understands him.

"Oh, nearly three weeks or so.""Ana, darling, that's no time at all. How can you possibly know someone in that kind of time frame? Just take it easy with him and keep him at arm's length until you decide whether he's worthy of you."Wow... it's unnerving when my mother is so insightful, but she's just too late on this.Is he worthy of me? That's an interesting concept I always wonder whether I am worthy of him.

• You sense he is pushing too quickly for an emotional connection with you.

"Honey, you sound so unhappy. Come home - visit with us. I miss you, darling. Bob would love to see you too. You can get some distance and maybe some perspective. You need a break. You've been working so hard."Oh boy, is this tempting. Run away to Georgia. Grab some sunshine, some cocktails.

•  You wish he would go away, you want to cry, and you want to run away from him.

Ana can't go, because she has job interviews, but she promises she'll think about visiting. Then, Kate comes home, sees that Ana has been crying, and tells her to dump Christian.

The world of Katherine Kavanagh is very clear, very black and white. Not the intangible, mysterious, vague hues of gray that color my world. Welcome to my world.

Know how I know this is a story of abuse?  Let me break this down for you, in small words.

First, I am separating their relationship from the BDSM in the bedroom.  This has nothing to do with BDSM as a whole.  This has to do with how Christian treats Ana and how Ana reacts to said behavior.

Ana thinks that no one will ever understand the unique, fragile snowflake that is Christian Grey and the unique, fragile relationship you have with him.

Kate asks why Ana is hurt and Ana lies to Kate saying she fell down.  How many times have I heard, "I ran into a door"? when it's obvious that a friend of mine was punched.

Yes. Ana "consented" but that consent came from forced manipulation.  Like every sexual encounter in this book, so if you want to say it's not rape, fine.  Then it's totally fine if an adult gets the consent from a child to have sex with them.  Because as far as you're concerned consent is consent no matter how it's gained.

Again.  fuck society.

When Ana finally gets around to going to bed she checks her e-mail, and there's an e-mail from Christian.  Why am I not surprised?  He's probably also had the house wired with surveillance camera's.

What does he say? That Ana's the most witty, brave, intelligent, etc. woman he's ever met.  What the hell Christian? No she's not.  She hasn't exhibited any of this behavior, at all.  You're saying this so she feels better about herself after that encounter she just had with you. And then he follows it up to not drive her car, because he'll know if she does.  This jerk.  He's probably put some sort of GPS on her car because he "cares" about her.

He tells her Taylor will sell her car for her, and of course they argue over that, and he tells her not to make him angry 'cause he's the hulk, yo. She responds, "Yeah, well I don't like you because you won't spend the night with me."


Ugh.

When their little e-mail encounter is over with, Ana comes to a stunning realization:
And then this evening, he actually hit me. I've never been hit in my life. What have I gotten myself into? Very slowly, my tears, halted by Kate's arrival, begin to slide down the side of my face and into my ears. I have fallen for someone who's so emotionally shut down, I will only get hurt - deep down I know this - someone who by his own admission is completely fucked up. Why is he so fucked up? It must be awful to be as affected as he is, and the thought that as a toddler he suffered some unbearable cruelty makes me cry harder. Perhaps if he was more normal he wouldn't want you, my subconscious contributes snidely to my musings... and in my heart of hearts I know this is true. I turn into my pillow and the sluice gates open... and for the first time in years, I am sobbing uncontrollably into my pillow.

Regardless what Christian's intentions were with the spanking, she is clearly saying and believing that he beat her.

But what do most readers care?  Apparently rape is totally okay as long as the guys intentions wasn't rape.  Doesn't matter about the victim anyway.  So I won't even try to persuade you.

Christian shows up, to an angry Kate who's all "All she ever does is cry since you came around..."

And Christian is having none of that, and heads to Ana anyway.  If I were Kate, I would have shot him.  Dead. On the spot. Seriously, I own guns.

Mr. Chivalrous explain that he came back to watch after Ana and "her needs" (read: covering his ass, but whatev's) He gives her some advil... GREAT idea considering all the booze in her body.  Are you sure it's a not a roofie?

I stare down at my hands. What can I say that I haven't said already. I want more. I want him to stay because he wants to stay with me, not because I'm a blubbering mess, and I don't want him to beat me, is that so unreasonable?

Just wanted to highlight that she's still saying "beat."

Now this whole fucking time Christian is like "I need to know what you're thinking, and how you're feeling, and blah, blah, blah, BLAH."  So does he say "okay, obviously this was too much.  I'm so sorry"?  NOPE.

"I like the control it brings me, Anastasia. I want you to behave in a particular way, and if you don't, I shall punish you, and you will learn to behave the way I desire. I enjoy punishing you. I've watned to spank you since you asked me if I was gay." I flush at the memory. Jeez, I wanted to spank myself after that question. So Katherine Kavanagh is responsible for all this, and if she'd gone to that interview and asked her gay question, she'd be sitting here with the sore ass. I don't like that though. How confusing is this?

I can't even convey in the English language the amount of anger and hostility I felt after reading this.  So, instead of focusing on the homophobia, the markers of an abusive personality, the continuing Kate-blame and jealousy, I'm going to just gonna move forward and hope and pray to something that you're intelligent enough to see through this bull shit.

It can't get any worse from here...

"So you don't like the way I am."
He stares at me, bewildered again.
"I think you're lovely the way you are."
"So why are you trying to change me?"
"I don't want to change you. I'd like you to be courteous and to follow the set of rules I've given you and not defy me. Simple," he says.

I stand corrected. It is possible for my rage to deepen.

After some more emotional manipulation "baby, I'm SO drawn to you..." psh.  Christian tells her that it's probably best she divulge her emotional needs via e-mail.

It's easier to delete an e-mail (read a book, victim blame, slut shame) than it is to deal with the actual person in front of you.