You're Not Allowed In My Fort

I've gotten a few PM's about how Christian really is a great guy.... from hence forth, this blog is my fort.



Haha, I just wanted any excuse to use that picture.  It's so funny.

ANYWAY, onto chapter 12

We left Ana being torn about the contract, "can I do all this?  Is this me? Is this what I want?" (I feel that way about parenthood most of the time)

So she, who does not work out, decides to go for a run.  Because running clears your brain; I'm sure for some it does, but normally when I run, I'm so concentrated on making sure my heart doesn't explode I don't have time to think.  And I love that she goes running her "nasty but never used sneakers" and her ipod... but she's never had a computer until literally 5 minutes ago.  Okay, I'm nit-picking.  I'm hormonal, okay?

So while she's jogging she's thinking, "I should totally jog to his hotel and demand sex... but he'll probably turn me down."  At least she's seeing the cause and effect in this relationship in that it's all about Christian.  Maybe common sense will follow (Spoiler: It doesn't.)  Personally, I think she should be running away from this guy for the decency of her life and respect of her self... but you know... then the book would end. And what would women do with themselves if the heroine didn't rescue the hero, or have herself sexually awakened, or have a guy to fawn over?

Then in Ana's ever going brain, she wonders if Christian is the way he is because he was raped "seduced" by a woman when he was younger. (Again, this book never addresses it for what it was.  This fucking book.  Best seller. Surpassed Harry Potter.  Again, humanity, I hate you)

Hold the fucking phone.... why does someone have to like BDSM because they were raped?  Why can't people just like BDSM because it makes nether regions all happy?  From my understanding of the subject, people are into it because it gets them off... not because of some deep, unresolved issue.  Sure, like with anything, I'm sure there's some that DO have issues - but let's not lump everyone into one category E.L. James. Sometimes people just like being spanked, and it's okay to enjoy sex.  Geez...

So as Ana is running she has to psyche herself up to tell Christian what she's okay with and what she's not okay with.  Because I love every time I have to tell my husband something I have to "psyche myself up" to get my resolve.  Maybe it's because I have a back bone, but normally when I say "no" it suffices, and there's no argument there.  Why?  Because my husband respects me... but apparently I'm a freak of nature, because WHO in their RIGHT mind would want a man to respect them?  Haha. Not anyone in this book... nope.

When Ana gets home Kate asks her to look at her swim suits she has for an upcoming vacation, and because Ana never does anything she doesn't want to do, she not only gives her opinion but also thinks in her head how inadequate she is compared to Kate.  


So while she's self-loathing and sulking over that divine revelation, she decides to e-mail Christian and basically tell him that it's a no deal and it was nice knowing him.  But totes as a joke, because she's totes a doormat.  She frets over her e-mail for the next hour or so, and then decides to go over the contract again.  The back bone of this woman amazes me.

Then low and behold WHO shows up.

Christian "Walking Erection" Gray.

Now... here's my problem with this.

What if Ana wasn't joking?  What if she was serious?  And Christian still shows up.. unannounced... because that's not creepy or controlling at all. Meanwhile while Christian is all "My answer deemed an appearance" Ana is plotting an escape route.  This relationship is awwwwwwesome; I love that she has a fear response when he's there, it just gives me warm tingles all over; totally sexy.  I can sense the sexual tension from here.

Also, if you don't know sarcasm is my native tongue, you might as well google what sarcasm means.

Let's go over the next romantic scene:
"How...?"
He smiles at me.
"I'm still at the Heathman."
I know that.
"Would you like a drink?" Politeness wins out over everything else I'd like to say.
"No, thank you, Anastasia." He smiles a dazzling, crooked smile, his head cocked slightly to one side.
Well, I might need one.
"So, it was nice knowing me?"
Holy cow, is he offended? I stare down at my fingers. How am I going to dig myself out of this? If I tell him it was a joke, I don't think he'll be impressed.
"I thought you'd reply by email." My voice is small, pathetic
"Are you biting your lower lip deliberately?" he asks darkly.
I blink up at him, gasping, freeing my lip.

I love that instead of telling Christian to GTFO she's all "Would you like a drink?" and she feels like SHE has to dig herself out a situation.  Ahem..This is not a romantic encounter. Jesus Christ.

So when he reaches out to undo her pigtails... 

I must!

She gets all tingly in her vagina - so now it's okay?  If you can't read past bull shit, Christian is there to goad her into having sex because he knows that once he does, she's putty.  And don't argue with me, because she is. It's how these two characters have gotten this far.

And then Ana has this bright revelation:

He wants me, and this does strange, delicious things to my insides. Not Kate in her little bikinis, not one of the fifteen, not evil Mrs. Robinson. This beautiful man wants me. My inner goddess glows so bright she could light up Portland.

Again.  This book does horrible things for rape culture.

Sexy times ensue... and with it another gross scene.  After he ties her to the bed, he leaves her and comes back with wine and fucking spits it into her mouth.  

So they have sex, and then at the end he drops this bombshell... literally, seconds past orgasm:

"Only certain things are funny, Anastasia. I thought you were saying no, no discussion at all." His voice drops.

So let's just call this for what it was, in that this was punishment for Ana having the backbone to say no, even implying she wasn't interested. He did that because he was angry with her. She told him no, so he showed up to fuck her into agreement. Now, here's my question: what would he have done if she was serious? Would he have taken her "no" for an answer? I think it's pretty clear here, Christian Grey isn't terribly concerned with how he gets Ana's consent, so long as he gets it. If he has to wear her down (see also: coerce), that's as good as real consent. And if she says no? He'll just show up and randomly fuck her, because how could she possibly say no once he's brought his constant erection to the bargaining table?

And then again, with this book, Christian tells Ana that he's still in touch with Mrs. Robinson (because THAT'S healthy) and Ana had the same reaction as if Christian was still in contact with just an ex-girlfriend.  Instead of red flags going off she thinks it's unfair that he has someone to talk to about their relationship, and she doesn't... so he offers to introduce her to one of his other ex-girlfriends.  The audacity of this man is deep.  When Christian declares he's not sleeping over with her and is never, ever going to sleep (as in catch zzz's) with her again... ever. She decides kicks him out.... but not before Christian is all "I'd really like to beat you so I can feel better about this" so of course Ana keeps their dinner date, because, you know, he obviously asked all nicely.

Ana then thinks this basic fucking thought:

For the first time, I'm wishing he was - normal - wanting a normal relationship that doesn't need a ten-page agreement, a flogger, and karabiners in his playroom ceiling.

For the first time? Almost this whole time you've been lamenting this contract and this "relationship."  Words mean things.

This is the first time I have ever had sex in my home, and as sex goes, I think it was pretty damn fine. But now I feel like a receptacle - an empty vessel to be filled at his whim. My subconscious shakes her head.

You wanted to run to the Heathman for sex - you had it express delivered. She crosses her arms and taps her foot with a what-are-you-complaining-about-look on her face.

And this, my friends, is rape culture at its finest.  Ana doesn't feel so great about the sex they had, but she was asking for it.   She wanted to have sex, and she got it, so even though Christian has basically just shown up to fuck away her resistance to signing the contract and brought up his exes within like, .04 seconds of being inside of her, Ana's "subconscious" feels like she shouldn't complain, and be careful what you wish for and all that.

After a conversation with Kate: "Oh he showed up? He's smitten.... oh.... just for sex?  He's a jerk."  Seriously, that the gist of it.  Ana decides to e-mail Christian a list of things she's okay with and not okay with.  I'm impressed that she's showing some spine, and she's actually being the Ana she thinks she is while she's letting other people run her life. Christian's response to these concerns is to ask her why she's still awake. She replies saucily, and he sends her an email with "GO TO BED" in all caps. Since she would never do anything she didn't want to do, she gets intimidated by his "shouty caps" and goes straight to bed. 

So much for that spine I was talking about a minute ago.

  

I Have To Interject Here, Because I Just Couldn't With A Chapter Re-Cap

A few chapters ago it was revealed that Christian was partially the way he was because of a submissive relationship he was in.

It was in chapter 10 and I just sorta raged-quit when I read it because I knew it deserved more than "this is bad and you should fee bad" kind of thing.

Christian tells Ana that when he was fifteen he was "seduced" by a woman who was friends with his mother.

For a moment, let's leave the whole BDSM thing off the table.

That's fucking rape.

And that is not okay.

I had this discussion with someone a few weeks ago that it was okay because technically Christian knew what he was doing, and he was a guy, so it does't really count as rape.

What the flying fuck?  Seriously.  What the fuck?

I'm sorry... let's try to not glorify something illegal in hopes it turns someone into a romantic hero.

So when people told me this line:
"There's no rape in this book.  Where are you getting this from?"

THIS. THIS RIGHT HERE. THIS IS RAPE!

For starters, men do get raped and it is a big deal.

Second, a year or so ago people were up in arms when these two people got married:

She was 16 when she got married to a 50 something year old.
Yes. She had parental consent.
But you know what people were saying?

At 16 you don't have the common sense to know what you're doing.

So let me just state here that at 15 Christian also didn't have the same common sense, the ability to make informed decisions, and someone took advantage of that and raped him.

And it also doesn't help that his book glorifies this.
This makes him what he is, and he is the romantic hero, so it's okay.

No.

Immediately when I read this part of the book I felt uncomfortable.
I felt like I was watching a train wreck.
And as I got further into the book I was hoping that it would address it for what it was.
And it didn't.

So people saying that this book does not contribute to rape culture.
I call bull shit.

Ugh.
Why am I even having to say this?
Is the blood rushing to so many women's vagina's that it's causing their brains not to work?

Let's swap roles.
What if it was a fifteen year old girl and a 40 year old man?
More people may feel uncomfortable now.
Why? Because it's a girl?

When it come to rape
It doesn't matter the sex.
It's still rape.

And what's worse... is that this book glorifies it because it makes someone seem dark... secretive... alluring... kinky.

And they need rescuing, because this book needs a plot somewhere, so that's about a loose of a plot we can get.

 

Rape has been a pretty big hot button issue in our country lately.
Remember when I said that Christian was blaming Ana for almost getting raped by Jose?

That is also bull shit.

A woman should be able to do whatever she damn well pleases without having to worry about a man trying to take advantage of her.

A man should be able to do whatever they damn well please, without a woman trying to take advantage of him.

The problem with rape in our culture (and it especially is evident in this book) is that it is the victim on trial.  The victim has to prove a point.

This is why I have such a problem with slut-shaming or victim blaming.

 

 

Mmmm Yeah, Sign Right There Baby, Just Like That

Did you hear?! Cosmo came up with 17 ways to totally 50 Shades Your Bedroom?!  For the record... I hate Cosmo.  Every issue is always the same, "How to please your man... how to give the perfect BJ... how to keep him HOT."

Here's M's way of keeping your man interested:
Touch his penis.  

Second, I don't want to look like a Kardashian.

ANYWAY.  The Nerve Came Up With 17 Shades of Stupid, and I giggled profusely... especially at the "Hold a muffin in your fist and punch him in the mouth."  


Now onto the review... Chapter 11.

I know I cut the last chapter entirely short because I got to Christian's "I won't have you defying me" bull shit and just... no.  This actually happened a lot in college, you get these men on power trips because God just happened to give them a penis.  How in the world they managed to find a woman is beyond me, I could barely share breathing space with them in the class room.

So Chapter 11 opens with Ana looking over the contract.  Let me just state for the record, I find this contract to be complete and total bull shit.(I had another hard time believing it was in the book, but a few chapters in there's actual e-mails.  I'm not joking)  Here's why:

* It's all about the Dominants needs.
* She is not to question his demands, needs, or direction. (What the hell?  Seriously. What the hell?)
* This is only good for 3 months (A little bit longer than Kim Kardashians marriage! YAY SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE!)
* He can kick her to the curb at any point, but if she wants to, there's a whole "let's take this to appeals, and if I allow it you can" non-sense.

So for chapters on end all we hear is "you can leave at any time..." but really you can't.  It's like a gym membership.  The "gotcha" clause.

And women want this.

-deep breath-  I pray for the sake of humanity, these women are infertile because if they breed....


To TL;DR (Too Long, Didn't Read) the contract, here's the jist:
Christian can do whatever the hell he wants to Ana, and she can't question it.  She can't say no. And this contract exceeds out  of the bedroom meaning basically her whole life is controlled by this man and what he thinks is best.  This won't allow her to think for herself, and to my understanding, BDSM relationships are not like this.  This kind of stuff is JUST for the bedroom.

Know what they call this sort of shit where it's 24/7?  Slavery.

I won't repost the whole contract, it's about as appealing as burnt toast.

It's Ana's conversation in the empty head of hers that shoots a few red flags out at me...

My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. Please, let's do this... otherwise we'll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company.

The only man I've ever been attracted to, and he comes with a bloody contract, a flogger, and a whole world of issues. Well, at least I got my way this weekend. My inner goddess stops jumping and smiles serenely. Oh yes... she mouths, nodding at me smugly.

This inner goddess needs to take a hike.  She's aggravating me.  

So, right about here, Ana puts a real fine point on my argument that she's too immature to consent to the type of relationship Christian is wanting. No part of the arrangement sounds beneficial to her, to the point that she feels traumatized by reading the contract, but she's considering signing anyway because this might be her last chance. At twenty-one, she's either got to enter into a D/s type relationship she does not want to be involved in, or she's going to die alone, surrounded by cats. No middle ground at all. Now, obviously, if she spoke to someone, perhaps someone a little wiser in the ways of relationships, she would see that OH THAT'S RIGHT. He's made her sign a non-disclosure. She can't talk to anyone - except him - about her misgivings or concerns. 

This is healthy.

She then wonders why she comes off as submissive.  In case you're wondering, no much how much the author wants you to believe that Ana has a backbone, she does not.

The next morning Ana finds that Christian has sent her a gift! A computer... and he's already sent her an e-mail, and because a male paying attention to her, her contract angst fades away.



If you missed it, the reason why she's so giddy is because now Christian is becoming flirty with her, giving her affection to ensure that he gets what he wants.  Ana might as well go ahead and sign the damn thing to keep him happy.

Jose and Ana decide to meet for coffee and when he arrives, she's totes not mad anymore because of his grin and hispanic nature.  Ana is a pro at making great decisions.

When he gets home there's an e-mail from Christian (-squee-) and Ana.... a college graduate.... in today's time.... asks him how to research on the internet.




This book has become a best seller.
This is why I loathe humanity.

Mommy Dearest

Chapter 10

Do you know what a helicopter parent is?  A bad one.  You know, the ones who control every aspect of their kids life, by every, I mean salary negotiations.  Now, this isn't a parenting blog, but these along with "I'll give my kid everything so they'll love me"types of parents annoy me.  Even more if they're combined into one parent... I mean really.  So, meet Christians mom:

But girls have COOTIES!!!

Christian is a grown ass man in his own apartment, yet his mom comes in and is all "I demand to see my son, why is he still in bed? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S NOT ALONE?!"

I can see a mom acting like this if her son is 12... not 27...

Ugh... I digress.

Christian leaves Ana to go calm down his crazy ass mother, and Ana gets all excited about meeting mommy dearest because it'll help put together a piece of this puzzle and maybe help her figure out why Christian likes kinky sex.

Let me just say here that BDSM is not a symptom of some fucked up mental problem.  Like I stated before, BDSM is a sexual expressions between consenting adults who both equally find enjoyment and pleasure in that arrangement.  This is why I don't think Ana has a clear grasp on sex. Not to mention she then calls herself a hoe, because is sex is dirty.  Slut shaming is really horrible E.L.James, really bad.  You are a bad name to feminists everywhere.

So she meets Christians mom and angst! she is so much prettier than me.  Ugh... anyway, in the midst of meeting Mrs. Grey, Jose calls.  Jose is all "why haven't you returned my phone calls?"

Oh, I'll just take a stab in the dark here and say it's because he sexually assaulted Ana.  Does Ana say that?  Nope.  Instead she tells him it's a bad time and she'll call him back later.  Other than the fact that Ana doesn't stand up to Jose and tell him to fuck off, it's the next bit that turns my "flush" color in my face to "anger of 1000 suns."

After Christians mother leaves, he glares at Ana and is all "was that the photographer?"  He then withdraws, gets his assistant on the phone and matter of fact hands her the sex contract and tells her to read it, research it, and educate herself before signing it.  But low and behold she doesn't have a computer (but she has an ipod... bet you didn't catch that either... not to mention she's a college graduate.  How the hell is this even remotely realistic.  Like, I get that it's supposed to be fantasy, but come the hell on.)

So  now that Christian is being a complete and total dick since Jose called Ana, something Ana had no control over; she'd like to make a phone call.

"The photographer?" His jaw clenches, and his eyes burn. I blink at him. "I don't like to share, Miss Steele. Remember that." His quiet, chilling tone is a warning, and with one long, cold look at me, he heads back to the bedroom.
Holy crap.  I just wanted to call Kate, I want to call after him, but his sudden aloofness has left me paralyzed. What happened to the generous, relaxed, smiling man who was making love to me not half an hour ago?

This. Is. Horseshit.  This is not how a man is supposed to treat a lady, this is not chivalrous, and it sure as hell isn't respectful.  He's withholding affection because another man called her, something she had no control over.  This is emotionally abusive and mentally manipulating.  You know how relationships end in real life if they start off like this?  With a dead woman.  So take this whole "this is what women want" "this is the ideal relationship" "they're falling in love" horseshit, and shove it.  

I almost stopped reading the book after this because of my anger. Why? Because this is kinda of bull shit is dangerous.  It's dangerous because women are flocking to this and it's telling them that this type of behavior is okay.  It's telling women that it's okay for a man to treat you like garbage if he really, really loves you, or if you want him to really, really love you, you need to put up with it.

But I didn't stop, because someone needs to be a voice of reason in all of this.  

After Christian relents to letting Ana talk about "in general sex stuff" with Kate, but nothing directly about him, we get this fucking gem from Christian:

"The sooner I have your submission the better, and we can stop all this," he murmurs.
"Stop all what?"
"You, defying me." He reaches down and cups my chin and plants a swift, sweet kiss on my lips as the doors to the elevator open. He grabs my hand and leads me into the underground garage.
Me, defying him... how?

Next she'll be wanting to vote. Honestly, if you can't figure out why this little gem from Christian made me want to vomit, you haven't been paying attention.

They go to lunch... and he demands that she eats.  When she asks if this is what they're relationship will be like, as to him ordering around, he replies bluntly that not only will it be that way, but she'll want him too.  Because we owe everything to men, amirite?

I really couldn't even finish this chapter because of this bull shit.  So there you have it.

92 Years Ago Today Women Earned The Right To Vote

Know how I'm celebrating?  By also celebrating my right to have voice my mind by reviewing another shoddy chapter of 50 Shades of Grey.  Yes, 92 years ago today women won the right to vote and here I am recapping this book without the ability to drink. What a long way we've come.

We left off with Ana and Christian doing it.... -sigh- like I said, reviewing this book without the ability to drink really, really, really sucks. If it weren't for the child references, when I first heard "we're gonna do it" I wanted to reach for the nearest alcoholic substance to even get through this.

So now she's awake and noticing that Christian Grey looks younger than 27.


Twenty-seven is not old.  Of course you liken yourself to a child half of the time, maybe you're not "all there" but at 26, I can say 27 is not old.  E.L. James, you've insulted me pretty much this entire book, I am beginning to loathe your existence, and if you ever write another book I will personally picket you at my local Barnes and Noble and may God have mercy on you if I ever meet you in public.

So after admiring him from afar and watching him sleep she decides she has to pee, and the minute her feet touch the floor all "angst and judgmental systems are a-go."  She thinks about Kate's wardrobe compared to Christians and actually "tuts" at Christians wardrobe.  Apparently I get the jist that she hates both of their wardrobes?  I don't know, I just think Ana wants any reason to throw Kate under any bus.

She finally finds the bathroom (even though it would have been hilarious if she peed in his closet) and her conscious stares at her with a mother look.  Instead of contemplating what all this really means... she decides to wrestle with her hair and decides.... again, I wish I could drink.... to put her hair in pig tails.



Her thinking is that more child-like she looks the more safe she'll be from Christian, 'cause he's old, yo.

Remember a while back when I said I didn't think Ana was ready for sex, because every reference she makes of it is followed by something child-like?  I'm not even going to insert Chris Hansen here... but someone needs to have a seat over there.  But because this is her reaction to keep her "safe" from Christian really just proves to me that she isn't capable of really understanding because of her sexual immaturity.  Yet women are flocking to become like Ana to find their Christian.

So in Christians shirt and hair in pig tails she skips wanders into the kitchen and dances to her ipod to make breakfast.  She applauds herself for being able to sleep with Christian the first night of their "love making", but then she corrects her self and reminds herself they just "fucked... hard" but then she goes right back to ignoring that and continues to play house; even though Christian has made himself perfectly clear of his intentions.  But lets not talk it over with him... because communication is totally not important.

She thinks they're perfect for one another because they're misfits.  Funny, the word that comes to mind is misanthrope.  What's that?  Someone who loathes humanity... I'm becoming one the more I read this book and realize that women covet this shit.

Christian wakes up, she's startled and thus flushes then in a totally not threatening way tugs at her pig tails and says "those won't protect you."  Christian Grey is a walking erection... he's the type of man that really does think about sex every 2 seconds.  He tells Ana he likes his eggs "thoroughly whisked and beaten" har har.  Know how I like my eggs? Unfertilized.  Well... not so much now... but you know, then.  Okay, that comeback totally doesn't work for me now.

Coming up is another cue that Christians is a control freak.  He offers for her to spend the night to work on her "oral skills" and I'm not talking about her talking skills.  If you don't know what that means, well... maybe you shouldn't be reading this book.  Now mind you, he has told her she can leave at any point (yet he's brought her here by a helicopter) and she hasn't signed the contract yet.  So when she states she'd rather spend the evening at her house, you disapprove and are disappointed.  Again... I am not buying what you're selling.

I guess she relents because then we're in the bathroom for another naughty scene.  And Ana says "hmmm" a lot and my childhood is being slaughtered by this book because all I could think of was this thing from "The Dark Crystal."



After even more sex, which has been kinda... well... for it to supposed to "rock your world" I have been unimpressed.  Anyway, after all that hanky panky E.L. James ruins another moment of my childhood:

"See how good we are together," he murmurs. "If you give yourself to me, it will be so much better. Trust me, Anastasia, I can take you places you don't even know exist."



Ana also relents that he has indeed opened her up to a whole new world, and thinks that maybe she should do this, because he did taker her virginity.  Amirite?  We owe SO much to men who take our virginity, let's make a custody agreement of the vagina.

Did I mention that he states his whole new world phrase right after sex?  This is important, because it drill in her mind just how amazing he is.

Please....

Then we get the most awkward appearance of a helicopter parent, when Christians mom just come into his apartment and is all "why is he still in bed, is he sick?"

She probably thinks her baby is a virgin and that he can do no wrong.

It Takes 8 Chapters And This What You Get....

In chapter 8 they have sex... vanilla style.  I'll spare you the details; however, it's all that sweet talk that just oozed away every wrong thing I ever said about this book.  I was completely wrong, Christian really is this amazing person and... HA. Just kidding.  Still a prick, here's why.



He just got angry at the fact that Ana is a virgin, like how is that supposed to just come up in conversation?  This is your second "date" and let's face it, society is not too kind to virgins now a days.  It's not something one goes telling to every soul they meet.  And so what if she is?  That's her decision, it's her body. He's also mad that he bore something to her so intimate (a sex dungeon, we still don't even know his middle name for Christ's sake) but she never filled him in on her virginity.  Again, you didn't fill out a non-disclosure with her, because it's all about you, ass wipe.  Christian was that kid when you were younger who over said the phrase "that's not fair," an awful lot. 

David Bowie for the win!!!

He also offers to "relieve her of her burden" because it would be a "means to an end" so he'll "make love to her for just tonight."

I know what you're thinking... see? He's willing to already break his rules to get her.  Is he now?  No.  He's playing the role because it would be beneficial to him...not to build a relationship, not to woo her off her feet; because even he  understands that she probably won't go for anything kinky to "give away her virginity."  Know how I know this, because he then tells her how much he wants her and has from the beginning he saw her.  If he wants her so damn much why can't he be willing to build a relationship with her... you know... date her; and if BDSM is something they want to introduce gradually, why not?  Why isn't he capable of normal, healthy relationships?  We'll learn why later... as to which I will tear another hole into this book and all those people saying "that's no big deal."

So they... do it... seriously.  These are the words Ana uses.  A middle school euphemism....

YES!!!

I will give kudos to E.L. James for at least referencing protection.  So 2 points to E.L. James here... one for addressing my fantasy of having clothes that fit perfects, and another one for mentioning safe sex.

But after Christian wraps that up... he says something and I physically lost it.  Literally... I laughed so hard I gagged.  If I couldn't take this book seriously before, I definitely can't now. 

BE PREPARED!!!!!

If my husband ever said that to me it would be an instant mood killer.
For days.
I'd never look at him the same again.

Then they have sex.
Virginity taken.

She wakes up later to Christian playing the piano (every cliche ever is in this book.  A few I can take... but now it' getting ridiculous) and she determines that he's just such a sad soul.... he doesn't like to be touched and he plays sad music.

Obviously, if you don't know how to read a plot, she's going to try to rescue him.

   

Redrum... -Ahem- Red Room Of Pain

I know I said I'd only do this like twice a week, but I have so many words in my brain that if I don't write it out now, I swear it'll explode.  So I'll just say you get what you get, with however much I post until I am done with this book.

Chapter 7

We're in Christian's Playroom, and apparently he's into some BDSM.  What, pray tell, is BDSM? BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance/submission, and Sadomasochism.

That last word is a bit of a doozy, so I'll define that one too: it is the receiving of pleasure—often sexual—from acts involving the infliction or reception of pain or humiliation.

Here's a link for a BDSM glossary, because you won't believe how many people I heard say, "I don't what that is but it sounds hot!"  BDSM Glossary (NSFW)

This room is pretty much everything I'm imagining a BDSM room would need.  I myself am not into BDSM, but the internet is a wonderful place and there's a website I frequent where it has multiple websites within websites of every hobby/movie/tv show/craft/ etc you can imagine.  There's one for BDSM, so I found someone, who is an active participant in the BDSM to give me their 2 cents on if 50 Shades of Grey portrayed the life style accurately or pretty accurately for a tame book.

 "The book is terribly written. Even if you take out the poor writing and awful editing, it's treats BDSM as some sort of sick disease that the main character needs to cure from her hunky perfect man. He's into BDSM because he was abused and molested as a child. As our pure, virgin heroine cures him with vanilla sex. She doesn't want to be in a BDSM relationship. She enjoys parts of it sure, but she constantly treats it as some sort of freakish, sometimes sexy quirk of her SO.

The book isn't based in any sense of reality. At one point, the author has the male lead saying 'I make $100,000 an hour.' He is 27, by the way. He also manages to ignore any sort of limits the main character has regarding her boundaries. Abuses his immense wealth to stalk and coerce her following his unhealthy obsession.

His past subs are treated as deranged women as well. No part of BDSM is actually painted in a positive light. It's all some sort of somewhat sexy, dark past of his that is thrilling. Basically I wanted to set it on fire."

This is coming from someone who is the "dominant" in a BDSM relationship (the role Christian tries to portray).  They also told me that in any BDSM relationship it is for mutual satisfaction, in that the two personalities in the relationship work well because the person enjoys being a dominant, and the other enjoys being the submissive.  It is equally sexually satisfying for them and for the most part when they are outside the confines of the bedroom, the sub is free to do as he/she pleases.  They are both also well aware of what it means to be in this sort of relationship and both understand this and both want this.

Why did I go out of my way to find someone in that life style and take the time to actually understand what it means?

Because research, even in a fictional story, is important.  And there's a lot of stuff that E.L. James researches in this book to make sure it's accurate, but the biggest blatant theme of this book, she just kinda throws various broad brush strokes at it to make this Christian the person he is, and thus pisses off an entire community and leads women astray with this.

Now... onto the rest of this chapter... Ana is in Christian's play room and she's taken aback.  She realizes her fear, but he's hot, so she'll probably ignore it.  It comes out that he wants to "play" with Ana in his playroom and he's wanted to since the moment they met.

Then this quote... this quote made me leave the story for a while so I could walk away and eat some chocolate.  Pregnancy has made me very hostile (Progesterone and I do not mix well) and it's amplified by what Ana thinks to herself...

"Please him! He wants me to please him! I think my mouth drops open. Please Christian Grey. And I realize, in that moment, that yes, that's exactly what I want to do. I want him to be damned delighted with me. It's a revelation."

Someone buy me this cat.  It's super fluffy. I want to cuddle it.

Remember earlier when I said that BDSM is between two consenting adults who understand what they're getting into? Remember that?  Seriously, I just wrote it like 5 minutes ago.

I don't think Ana can consent here. She's a miserable person, desperate to please the romantic hero of her dreams, and she's unable to say no to anyone. I think if Christian Grey asked her to rob a bank or kill a man just to watch him die, she would jump at the chance to please him. In fact, when Ana asks what she would get out of the arrangement, Christian's answer is, "me". I don't feel that's an entirely fair way for a dominant to answer that question.

Know how I know this isn't healthy?   Ana's next  revelation about herself:

Kate had said he was dangerous, she was so right. How did she know? He's dangerous to my health, because I know I'm going to say yes. And part of me doesn't want to.

In case you're wondering, my entire reaction to this popularity of this series in that "this is what women want" was met with this:

So they leave the room, Christian takes Ana to her room because he doesn't sleep with people, and she asks him the question... "So, will you like, be my boyfriend?"

To which he responds: "Nope, I don't do that.  Just in it for my jollies."

That's the jist of it.  But my money is on "she's going to try to change him" and she'll "give this a go, it's no big deal."  I know this. I'm betting cold hard cash on it.

I know this because Ana is a narcissist, and also, there's 19 more chapters to this book.

OH!  And it's revealed that she's a virgin.

And Christian wins Mr. Sensitivity of the decade award with his reply:

"You're a virgin?" he breathes. I nod, flushing again. He closes his eyes and looks to be counting to ten. When he opens them again, he's angry, glaring at me.

"Why the fuck didn't you tell me?" he growls.

 -swoon-

Why Doesn't My Husband Have A Helicopter? -huff huff-

(Honey, I'm not being serious.  Your truck is more than enough)

Christian and Ana leave so he can take her back to her place... while on the phone with his brother (who called to ask if he raped got laid the night before) Ana asks Christian if he can call her Ana, instead of Anastasia because she prefers it.

Does he?

No.

Because it's not what he prefers.

Personally, if I had ever allowed myself to get to know this Grey fellow to this amount I would tell him to piss off.  If you can't do something as simple as call me by what I prefer, well buddy, take a hike.  But then again, I probably would have been able to get through the initial interview, think to myself "What a dick" and never give a second thought to him.

Yes.  Even though he's hot.

Good looks do not make up for total social ineptitude.

Then he warns her "I'm not kissing you again, unless I really have to think about it."  Uh, okay.... Christian you are so weird.

When they get to her duplex, I shit you not, this is the conversation in her head:

He pulls up outside my duplex. I belatedly realize he's not asked me where I live - yet he knows. But then he sent the books, of course he knows where I live. What able, cell-phone-tracking, helicopter owning, stalker wouldn't.

Why won't he kiss me again? I pout at the the thought.

Maybe I hate this book because we're privy to every waking thought in Ana's mind, and it's there that I just kinda want to kick her in frontal lobe to see if I can kick start it into working again.  



When we get inside the duplex Kate and Elliot (Christians brother) are there and Ana is all "UGH get a room" (you know, like a very public elevator), and she notes how compliant Kate is with Elliot... and thus Elliot must have a hold of Kate.

Um excuse me Ana but your ass is showing.  Did you not just eat all the food on your plate because a certain someone wanted you too even though you didn't want to?

At some point Kate jumps up and down and claps her hands and I almost forget I'm reading a story about adults.  Do you know the last time I jumped up and down and clapped my hands?  When I was entertaining my 4 year old niece... not a 21 year old woman.  But this could just be a pet peeve.... but, again, it's a reference to children in a very "adult" book.  Sooooo I have too...



Once Kate gets Ana all purdy Ana has this inward battle if she's ready for sex.  I understand this, I've been there.  It's a big step... one not to be taken lightly.  Currently I'm having an inner battle of whether or not I want to eat chocolate or something healthy, because I did decide to have sex and now I'm pregnant and thus all healthy eating goes out the window.

But, if I may, just state my opinion that Ana is not ready for this step.  And if I were her friend I would tell her so.  So far she seems pretty intimidated by Grey and hasn't been able to say no to him because of it.  She has little to no self-esteem and what, I've perceived, as a very negative view of sex.  And the fact she's willing to leap from first kiss to sex within seconds of meeting Grey is a little alarming considering I'm gathering she's not wanting a one night stand with him.   And not to mention it takes paper work to sleep with this man....that's a mighty big red flag right there.  But you know, who needs healthy relationships as long as the guy is hot? Right?

Did I mention that Grey is going to be taking her to dinner via Helicopter?  Whoopsies.

Like, the amount of ego in this man baffles me. 

There's a lot in this book that I think is there to just take up space...and I skimmed through it until I read that Ana felt bad about not calling Jose back.

No, that's totally okay Ana.  Dude tried to get jiggy with you when you didn't want to and persisted after you said no.  You can probably call him back never.  You don't have to be polite about it. Aaaand again...




Once they arrive Christian tells Ana that she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want too.  I know so many of you women are like "Awww.... that's so romantic of him."

Or, you know, not.  Because he knows she's not going to say no.

List of things Ana has done so far in this book that she didn't want to do:

• Interview Christian Grey
• Call Christian Grey
• Talk about Christian Grey to her roommate
• Keep the books Christian Grey gave her
• Be rescued from a bar by Christian Grey
• Finish her breakfast
• Get prettied up for Christian Grey

And I'm sure more gets added to that list.... so, I'm not buying what Christian Grey is selling.  Not for one second.

Once they arrive to his apartment he offers her a glass of wine.

You can now add "Accepts wine from Christian Grey, even though she doesn't want it," to this list.  Yep... Ana doesn't do anything she doesn't want to do.

Small talk ensues and what's Christian realizes that Ana is like:

I feel  kinda bad throwing Alan Rickman into this mix.  But this is a hilarious gif.

Instead of taking her in his arms and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and kissing her gently.... he fetches his non-disclosure agreement.  If this is romance, I don't want to be right.

Because Ana is so ready to bone Christian she signs it without reading it, well that's smart.  And then she's all "So now you make love to me right?"

And we get the most romantic thing ever from Christian...

"No, Anastasia, it doesn't. Firstly, I don't make love. I fuck... hard. Secondly, there's a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don't yet know what you're in for. 

This horseshit is what women are pining after.    Now don't get me wrong, sometimes my husband and I get a little frisky... well we used too.... then I got pregnant and let me just tell you, pregnancy is the biggest mood killer ever.  The only thing I had to sign with him, ever, was a marriage license.  He's never been all business about our sex life, because you know what, it's beneficial to us both, we enjoy it, it's an expression of our love to each other.

Why this is what women want is beyond me.

And Grey, you have more paperwork than buying a used car.  Holy crap.

So what is this deep dark secret he has hiding that could send Ana running to the hills?

His "play room"

When You're Pregnant "Play Room" Has Such An Innocent Meaning...

Chapter 5...

Ana... after having passed out... after Christian is like "I'm taking you home..." wakes up in Christian's bed with no pants or socks on.

Yeah, my date rape censors didn't go off.  Not at all.

What's that? Christian wouldn't do that because he's a gentleman? 



Creepy McCreeperson has left 2 pills and OJ... Ana, you are Alice in Wonderland, if something says "eat me" or "drink me" you do it without question; because waking up half way nude in a bed that's not yours, and just willy nilly ingesting the first thing you see is not smart.  I literally want to reach through my computer screen and shake you right now.

So Christian enters.. and this is like the third time I see that his pants hang off his hips "in that way."  Since E.L. James has absolutely no problem using 50 adjectives to describe a room but won't give us the decency to explain what "in that way" means I am assuming his pants hang off him like this:

That's hot.

OH! And she feels like a 2 year old and implores the old ostrich theory "IF YOU CAN'T SEE ME, I CAN'T SEE YOU."

Then Christian quickly explains that he brought her to his hotel because he didn't want her puking in his car.... taxi's don't exist in Seattle/Portland. Which leads to Ana asking if they... you know... did it.  Of course not.  (Kinda doubt it, but I'll give it the benefit of the doubt...)

And then... Oh sweet Jesus, it's the beginning of this:

After that bickering goes back and forth (and it's not the first nor anywhere near the last time this happens) another Red Flag gets thrown out there..

"Well, if you were mine, you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday. You didn't eat, you got drunk, you put yourself at risk." He closes his eyes, dread etched on his lovely face, and he shudders slightly. When he opens his eyes, he glares at me. "I hate to think what could have happened to you." I scowl back at him. What is his problem? What's it to him? If I was his... well I'm not. Though maybe, part of me would like to be. The thought pierces through the irritation I feel at his high-handed words. I flush at the waywardness of my subconscious - she's doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his.

Let me just clarify something right here and right now.  This is not attractive in a man.  She was out with her friends, he blames her for almost getting raped (and that's a tangent for another day), and he threatens to beat her for doing something he didn't like.  Yes... I can see the love just brewing.  This is the man women are lamenting their husbands for not being more like. They feel cheated because their husbands won't beat them, or blame them for getting raped, or just do anything they can do to further diminish and degrade their self-worth.  This man.  And don't hand me, "I want the sex..."  No, you want Christian Grey, don't you start back tracking now; all I've heard for months on end is how wonderful and romantic and perfect Christian Grey is.  You don't get a free pass, you didn't think this through and now that critical thinking has caused you to really reflect on the type of person he is and if it makes you a teensy bit uncomfortable... you sit there and you deal with "This is what I want" because you've blindly just gone with the bull shit of all this.  See what happens when you jump on a band wagon - all logic and reason go out the window.   You sit there and you stay there till we're done.

Let me just reiterate a point that I feel like I'm having to say waaaay too much lately: Women are not property.  Like, I can't even believe I'm having to say that.... I want to go stick my head in an oven.  

And then Ana just adds more to this saga known as victim blaming...

One minute he rebuffs me, the next he sends me fourteen-thousand-dollar books, then he tracks me like a stalker.

And for all that, I have spent the night in his hotel suite, and I feel safe. Protected. He cares enough to come and rescue me from some mistakenly perceived danger. He's not  dark knight at all, but a white knight in shining, dazzling armor - a classic romantic hero - Sir Gawain or Lancelot.

Let me call down to the Women's Shelter so that they can re-write those little pamphlets on how to react when you're being abused.  Ana, I'm surprised you've made it this far into adulthood... he didn't rescue you.  And for those of you saying "BUT HE SAVED HER FROM JOSE!" Allow me to remove those rose colored glasses.

When did he say he was coming to get her?  Oh that's right... when she drunk dialed him.... and he was coming to get her because he didn't like what she was doing.

Yes.  He just happened to show up when Jose sexually assaulted her, but he could have easily just gone inside, gotten her other friends, explained the situation and sent her home with Kate.  Or offered to give Kate and Ana a ride back to their place.  This would have been the cordial and common-sense thing to do, because, you know, they barely know each other. 

Again... Obvious Things Are Obvious 101.

He leaves her to get ready, and while in the shower she wonders why Christian hasn't made a pass at her like Jose and Paul.    This, my friends, is called justification.  She realizes she's attracted to him, and is irritated that he won't make a pass to justify his creeper ways. But maybe I'm just over analyzing... maybe this gets better and they just got off on the wrong foot. 

The only part of this book that I found myself going "Well, that's pretty cool" was when Ana finds the clothes that Christian got her fit her perfectly.  Do you know the last time I bought myself something that fit perfectly?  One can dream...

She goes to find Christian who is reading a  newspaper the size of a tennis court; go back and read that section.  Remember the brooding tie?  Subject verb agreement is for losers.

Christian informs Ana that Kate already knows where she is (way to take control there!) and all Ana can seem to worry about is what Kate will think about her having a one night stand, because slut shaming is great.

We go into more of this:


After he makes her eat her food (even though she doesn't want too, remember this...) Christian lays down the law.  He doesn't do hearts and flowers and romance; and that he buys her things because "he can."  It's kind of a blatant form of intimidation, but maybe Christian is socially retarded and can't just say, "I'd like to give you something because I want too.."  Really, I'm trying to be open minded here.

Of course there's "something" that he's just drawn too..

Her 2 left feet?
Her self-loathing?
The way she talks shit about all her friends?
Her insulting ways?

Then I remind myself this is a.... -choke-romantic fiction.  It has to work.  Fine... I'll play by the rules.

But my money is on that "something" is the fact that her spine is about as firm as a wet noodle and he's like "YES! SOMEONE I CAN CONTROL!" But that's just my 2 cents.

Then we get the most awkward come on conversation...

"If you can't stay away, maybe you shouldn't"  -Bats eyelashes-

"So, uh, what are you doing, you know... later?"  Husky, brooding voice.

"Packing and graduating..."

Ana would like the conversation to end there, but you know, Grey's got questions, yo but Ana ain't having that inquisition shit.  Another way to be a good friend to Ana is only show interest when she wants you too, go away when she's done. There's a personality disorder that goes with this behavior, but I'll wait and see if you can catch on.  I  bet E.L. James has it.

Then we start with the whole lip biting thing...


And then we get first mention of "the contract"  He can't touch her without her written consent... this is basically a nice manipulative tool so he can do whatever the hell he wants and leaves the female feeling like "she asked for it."  I'll touch more on BDSM later...

After all is said and done and Christian has said his piece about how he rolls, she leaves to get ready and dry her hair like a good girl.

Then, at the time before finishing this god-forsaken book, I read what I thought was the grossest thing ever (oh no, it's not... there is a scene that makes this pale in comparison...)  she uses his toothbrush.

That's pretty gross.  One time my husband accidentally used my toothbrush, I immediately went to CVS and got myself a new one.  Maybe it's because I'm a germaphobe.... but no.

Then there's the ever famous elevator scene... and Ana finally gets kissed.  Yay.

And we get the first mention of the third most annoying character in this book.  Her inner goddess. I'm just saying, my inner goddess looks like this and would bust a cap in Ana's inner goddess ass.