I finally decided to read "50 Shades of Grey" or is it Gray? However, this came with much debate and hemming and hawing on my end....
First: I refused to spend money on it. So I... um... borrowed it from the internet. Yes, this is possible, no I am not sharing my secret.
Second: I had originally refused to read it... just hearing the non-sense come from women's mouths was enough for me to go: "NOPE!" Hearing about this Christian fellow set off my "he's an abusive, manipulative, ass hole" but apparently because I haven't read it, I don't get an opinion. Well, obviously now I have to do drugs to make double, triple certain that they're bad. Mmmkay?
Third: Do I post it on my family blog? No. My family blog is currently filled with postings of my child within the womb, and they don't deserve to share the spot light with this crap.
So now that I've read most of it, now I can has opinion, amiright?!?
I'll probably do a re-cap about once a week, 2 chapters per week. Unless I read something that really pisses me off... and I'm not going to cover the sexual parts of the book. For all intent and purposes, it's there, and from what I've read... it's okay? Kinky? Sure... but it's not the smut everyone keeps talking about.
Now before I begin, yes. I realize this is just a book... but when I see crap like this filling up my newsfeed:
It's like Twilight all over again with Edward Cullen. (I never read Twilight... don't plan on it either... but apparently THIS "book" is a Twilight fan-fic...soooooo shoot me now.)
So when I see crap like that, I just feel like some sort of interjection is needed because people saying it's about a girl over coming her fears, and boy falling madly in love with her, and they wish their significant others were like this Grey fellow...... I tend to loathe humanity. Seriously, I feel like I have an adverse reaction to the universe as a whole.
So... onto Chapters 1 & 2
Chapter 1: Ana, You're A Crappy Friend.
"I scowl at myself in the mirror..."
And this is the opening line of the book that is to revolutionize women and their sexuality. Let's open it with some self-loathing.... great idea E.L. James. Anyway, it opens with Ana hating herself in the mirror and comparing herself to oh so gorgeous roommate Kate. Ana is a brunette with blue eyes, pale skin; Kate is a blonde and gorgeous (even when sick! That hussy!)
Kate is sick and has asked Ana to go to an interview that she lined up for the school newspaper with Christian Grey that took her forever to get. Because Christian Grey
Here's the first tell-tale sign that Ana is a horrible friend (but she's the heroine of this story, so we have to like her because the author tells us too):
"Ana, I'm sorry. It took me nine months to get this interview. It will take another six to reschedule, and we'll both have graduated by then. As the editor, I can't blow this off. Please," Kate begs me in her rasping, sore throat voice. How does she do it? Even ill she looks gamine and gorgeous, strawberry blonde hair in place and green eyes bight, although now red-rimmed and runny. I ignore my pang of unwelcome sympathy.
Sick Kate is begging Ana to do this for her, it's an interview Ana can put on her resume, and she realizes she's asking a lot because Ana has work and exams... but ultimately all Ana can think about is "UGH! It's totes not fair that she's prettier than me even when she's sick." Ultimately Ana acts like it's no big deal, but then we get this long narrative about how horrible Kate is and how manipulative she is (this will turn into irony in a few chapters, remember this). Ana is the type of friend who will say "it's no big deal" when you ask them to do you a favor, and then turn around behind your back and completely talk crap about you behind your back about how there's so many boundaries you're over stepping with her.
Then for the next 2 pages we're told how great Kate is and that she's her very best friend.
Ladies and gents... meet
So she gets in the borrowed Mercedes of Kate's (again! That hussy, being pretty and having nice things -huff huff-) and she... and I quote... "I floor the pedal to the metal..."
If you're an avid fan of this book and you start using this phrase I will punch you.
E.L. James... I understand that you are a British writer... but it's either "floor it" or "pedal to the metal." Not both at the same time.
Anyway... she arrives at Grey's office building, it's a steel and glass office building with the building name in steel letters over the glass doors to the steel and glass and sandstone (c-c-c-ombo breaker!! Seriously... E.L. learn to use a thesaurus)
Ana runs through all the blonde secretaries and I get the feeling Ana hates blondes. But this is probably to convey to the reader just how much Ana doesn't fit into this world that she lives in and how she needs rescuing....
And the list of adjectives that James uses to describe every minute detail of everything is absolutely retarded... not to mention inane conversations that do not really help the purpose of furthering along the story. For example:
"Mr. Grey will see you in a moment. May I take your jacket?"
"Oh please." I struggle out of the jacket.
"Have you been offered any refreshment?"
"Um - no." Oh dear, is Blonde Number one in trouble?
Blonde Number Two frowns and eyes the young woman at the desk.
"Would you like tea, coffee, water?" she asks, turning her attention back to me.
"A glass of water. Thank you," I murmur.
"Olivia, please fetch Miss Steele a glass of water." Her voice is stern. Olivia scoots up immediately and scurries to a door on the other side of the foyer.
"My apologies, Miss Steele, Olivia is our new intern. Please be seated. Mr. Grey will be another five minutes."
Oliva returns with a glass of iced water.
"Here you go, Miss Steele."
"Thank you."
Back in High School and College we did these fun writing exercises where we would help shorten a run on sentence. Let's kinda do this with this conversation... I'll start.
One of the blonde receptionists took my coat and offered me a glass of water.
You're welcome.
Once Ana BellaSwan dives into Christian Grey's office, the heroine meets the "hero". And of course she notes he's oh so attractive. But it's the tie that gets me.... that tie... is a bad ass...
He's tall, dressed in a fine gray suit, white shirt, and black tie with unruly dark copper colored hair and intense, bright gray eyes that regard me shrewdly.
See folks? When you know how to English it's this crap that jumps out at you and makes you want to throw your lap top across the room because E.L. James really just described his tie. (This is the book that surpassed the Harry Potter series and is a "best seller." This book.)
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| Get naked. |
Once she finally gets that going and the interview starts... which is probably the best place to show how magically attracted they are to one another. And this is where it just gets so hot and amazing... HA just kidding.
She insults him, calls him a control freak, and verbally spars with him. Have you forgotten she's there representing her sick friend, her college, and the news paper. Ana, you are a piece of work.
AND THEN in her mind she's all "He's a god, he's amazing, he's perfect, let me write odes to his teeth..."
And why, oh why, am I attracted to him?
Really? Really? You just wasted 5 minutes of time describing his perfection... here is your sign.
Chapter 2 will be in the next blog post, because this got long.
