Did you hear?! Cosmo came up with 17 ways to totally 50 Shades Your Bedroom?! For the record... I hate Cosmo. Every issue is always the same, "How to please your man... how to give the perfect BJ... how to keep him HOT."
Here's M's way of keeping your man interested:
Touch his penis.
Second, I don't want to look like a Kardashian.
ANYWAY. The Nerve Came Up With 17 Shades of Stupid, and I giggled profusely... especially at the "Hold a muffin in your fist and punch him in the mouth."
Now onto the review... Chapter 11.
I know I cut the last chapter entirely short because I got to Christian's "I won't have you defying me" bull shit and just... no. This actually happened a lot in college, you get these men on power trips because God just happened to give them a penis. How in the world they managed to find a woman is beyond me, I could barely share breathing space with them in the class room.
So Chapter 11 opens with Ana looking over the contract. Let me just state for the record, I find this contract to be complete and total bull shit.(I had another hard time believing it was in the book, but a few chapters in there's actual e-mails. I'm not joking) Here's why:
* It's all about the Dominants needs.
* She is not to question his demands, needs, or direction. (What the hell? Seriously. What the hell?)
* This is only good for 3 months (A little bit longer than Kim Kardashians marriage! YAY SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE!)
* He can kick her to the curb at any point, but if she wants to, there's a whole "let's take this to appeals, and if I allow it you can" non-sense.
So for chapters on end all we hear is "you can leave at any time..." but really you can't. It's like a gym membership. The "gotcha" clause.
And women want this.
-deep breath- I pray for the sake of humanity, these women are infertile because if they breed....
To TL;DR (Too Long, Didn't Read) the contract, here's the jist:
Christian can do whatever the hell he wants to Ana, and she can't question it. She can't say no. And this contract exceeds out of the bedroom meaning basically her whole life is controlled by this man and what he thinks is best. This won't allow her to think for herself, and to my understanding, BDSM relationships are not like this. This kind of stuff is JUST for the bedroom.
Know what they call this sort of shit where it's 24/7? Slavery.
I won't repost the whole contract, it's about as appealing as burnt toast.
It's Ana's conversation in the empty head of hers that shoots a few red flags out at me...
My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. Please, let's do this... otherwise we'll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company.
The only man I've ever been attracted to, and he comes with a bloody contract, a flogger, and a whole world of issues. Well, at least I got my way this weekend. My inner goddess stops jumping and smiles serenely. Oh yes... she mouths, nodding at me smugly.
This inner goddess needs to take a hike. She's aggravating me.
So, right about here, Ana puts a real fine point on my argument that she's too immature to consent to the type of relationship Christian is wanting. No part of the arrangement sounds beneficial to her, to the point that she feels traumatized by reading the contract, but she's considering signing anyway because this might be her last chance. At twenty-one, she's either got to enter into a D/s type relationship she does not want to be involved in, or she's going to die alone, surrounded by cats. No middle ground at all. Now, obviously, if she spoke to someone, perhaps someone a little wiser in the ways of relationships, she would see that OH THAT'S RIGHT. He's made her sign a non-disclosure. She can't talk to anyone - except him - about her misgivings or concerns.
This is healthy.
She then wonders why she comes off as submissive. In case you're wondering, no much how much the author wants you to believe that Ana has a backbone, she does not.
The next morning Ana finds that Christian has sent her a gift! A computer... and he's already sent her an e-mail, and because a male paying attention to her, her contract angst fades away.
If you missed it, the reason why she's so giddy is because now Christian is becoming flirty with her, giving her affection to ensure that he gets what he wants. Ana might as well go ahead and sign the damn thing to keep him happy.
Jose and Ana decide to meet for coffee and when he arrives, she's totes not mad anymore because of his grin and hispanic nature. Ana is a pro at making great decisions.
When he gets home there's an e-mail from Christian (-squee-) and Ana.... a college graduate.... in today's time.... asks him how to research on the internet.
This book has become a best seller.
This is why I loathe humanity.
