Know how I'm celebrating? By also celebrating my right to have voice my mind by reviewing another shoddy chapter of 50 Shades of Grey. Yes, 92 years ago today women won the right to vote and here I am recapping this book without the ability to drink. What a long way we've come.
We left off with Ana and Christian doing it.... -sigh- like I said, reviewing this book without the ability to drink really, really, really sucks. If it weren't for the child references, when I first heard "we're gonna do it" I wanted to reach for the nearest alcoholic substance to even get through this.
So now she's awake and noticing that Christian Grey looks younger than 27.
Twenty-seven is not old. Of course you liken yourself to a child half of the time, maybe you're not "all there" but at 26, I can say 27 is not old. E.L. James, you've insulted me pretty much this entire book, I am beginning to loathe your existence, and if you ever write another book I will personally picket you at my local Barnes and Noble and may God have mercy on you if I ever meet you in public.
So after admiring him from afar and watching him sleep she decides she has to pee, and the minute her feet touch the floor all "angst and judgmental systems are a-go." She thinks about Kate's wardrobe compared to Christians and actually "tuts" at Christians wardrobe. Apparently I get the jist that she hates both of their wardrobes? I don't know, I just think Ana wants any reason to throw Kate under any bus.
She finally finds the bathroom (even though it would have been hilarious if she peed in his closet) and her conscious stares at her with a mother look. Instead of contemplating what all this really means... she decides to wrestle with her hair and decides.... again, I wish I could drink.... to put her hair in pig tails.
Her thinking is that more child-like she looks the more safe she'll be from Christian, 'cause he's old, yo.
Remember a while back when I said I didn't think Ana was ready for sex, because every reference she makes of it is followed by something child-like? I'm not even going to insert Chris Hansen here... but someone needs to have a seat over there. But because this is her reaction to keep her "safe" from Christian really just proves to me that she isn't capable of really understanding because of her sexual immaturity. Yet women are flocking to become like Ana to find their Christian.
So in Christians shirt and hair in pig tails she
She thinks they're perfect for one another because they're misfits. Funny, the word that comes to mind is misanthrope. What's that? Someone who loathes humanity... I'm becoming one the more I read this book and realize that women covet this shit.
Christian wakes up, she's startled and thus flushes then in a totally not threatening way tugs at her pig tails and says "those won't protect you." Christian Grey is a walking erection... he's the type of man that really does think about sex every 2 seconds. He tells Ana he likes his eggs "thoroughly whisked and beaten" har har. Know how I like my eggs? Unfertilized. Well... not so much now... but you know, then. Okay, that comeback totally doesn't work for me now.
Coming up is another cue that Christians is a control freak. He offers for her to spend the night to work on her "oral skills" and I'm not talking about her talking skills. If you don't know what that means, well... maybe you shouldn't be reading this book. Now mind you, he has told her she can leave at any point (yet he's brought her here by a helicopter) and she hasn't signed the contract yet. So when she states she'd rather spend the evening at her house, you disapprove and are disappointed. Again... I am not buying what you're selling.
I guess she relents because then we're in the bathroom for another naughty scene. And Ana says "hmmm" a lot and my childhood is being slaughtered by this book because all I could think of was this thing from "The Dark Crystal."
After even more sex, which has been kinda... well... for it to supposed to "rock your world" I have been unimpressed. Anyway, after all that hanky panky E.L. James ruins another moment of my childhood:
"See how good we are together," he murmurs. "If you give yourself to me, it will be so much better. Trust me, Anastasia, I can take you places you don't even know exist."
Ana also relents that he has indeed opened her up to a whole new world, and thinks that maybe she should do this, because he did taker her virginity. Amirite? We owe SO much to men who take our virginity, let's make a custody agreement of the vagina.
Did I mention that he states his whole new world phrase right after sex? This is important, because it drill in her mind just how amazing he is.
Please....
Then we get the most awkward appearance of a helicopter parent, when Christians mom just come into his apartment and is all "why is he still in bed, is he sick?"
She probably thinks her baby is a virgin and that he can do no wrong.
